Being a mom

I've read a lot of motherhood posts, especially last week.  And they all have similar messages. Describing motherhood is tricky.  There are super hard days, where messes are everywhere and tears are present.  Then beautiful moments of snuggles and sweet words.  And most days everywhere in between.      Some moments I feel like I've got this.  Others I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. 
I feel like I have the happiest sweetest baby in the world one day, then another feel like I have a crabby, mean and monster toddler.  
Some days I feel like I couldn't be more grateful for where God has me and am so content in this place.  Other days I'm longing to know the future and wanting other things.  
Some days I feel confident in how I'm raising Addilyn and choices I make and others I second guess if I'm doing it right.  
When it comes down to it, motherhood is the hardest things I've ever done.  I had no idea how much I would love Addilyn.  I had no idea how hard it would be to give up control of her and know that He entrusted me to be her mom, but ultimately He is in control.  I had no idea how tired I would be or how draining some days could be.  Being a mom is scary, overwhelming, exhausting and hard.  I've learned more about my selfishness and the need for grace these last two years than ever before and I imagine that lesson will be learned over and over.     But being a mom has also been the best thing I've ever done.  I have longed to be a mom since I was little, and know that God made me to have this role.  I have yet to get tired of folding tiny little laundry and still stop and look at her little shoes laying on our floor and can't believe we have a little girl.  In Sunday at church, our pastor prayed for all the moms, and then prayed for the women that are waiting to be moms.  I got all teary remembering being in that place.  Knowing that God gave me the desire to be a mom, but not knowing when he'd answer that prayer.   I am so thankful for God's faithful, and want to continue to thank Him for giving me the blessing to be Addilyn's mom.  

I Couldn't Live without . . . my new jean jacket

jacket: american eagle     shirt: american eagle  jeans: old navy   shoes: target

I've wanted a hooded jean jacket for awhile, especially a white one, but I've felt like it was a little too 80's looking.  But once I saw Joanne Gaines from Fixer Upper where one I didn't care and was on the hunt for one.  I pretty much want her wardrobe and her hair.  And every house she fixes.  

I got this jacket online when they had an extra 50% off their clearance and free shipping.  I love it and am sure I will wear it all the time.

What can you not live without this week?  Thanks for linking up below! I'm excited to read your posts! 

On ten years

   

This week Chris and I celebrate our ten year anniversary.  Which makes 15 years being together, half of my life.  Part of me feels like there is no way it's been ten years, but most of the time I can't even remember not being married.  
                                                                                                                  the summer we started dating 
A lot of time I think about how I can't believe we got married so young.  I was 20, Chris was 23.  I had just finished my second year of college, and Chris still had another year and half left as well.  We were practically babies.  I've heard Chris tell a friend "I practically raised her myself."  Jokes aside, I definitely did my growing up into adulthood as a wife, which came with it's challenges.  But also came with a lot of blessings too.  We went through a lot of growing up and learning about each other and ourselves the first years of marriage, that we had to go through a lot of the harder communication things right from the start.  Not to say we didn't have plenty of things to work through the whole ten years, but had to go through a lot of that together at the beginning.  
I think I could write about a handful of advice that I've learned these ten years.  That I can't expect Chris to know how I feel without telling him exactly how I feel.  That you need to say what you mean and deal with the consequences if you're not honest about how you feel about something.  That going through a really hard thing, like infertility will either draw you closer or farther apart, and I'm so thankful we worked hard to draw us closer.  That things are not going to be even all the time and playing the game "who works harder than who" will never be helpful.  And that sometimes a date night is needed to remind you that you still really love each other and have fun together.  
But I think the best piece of advice that as helped us the most over the ten years is that we are on the same team.  During our premarriage counseling we had to say to each other multiple times "you are not my enemy."  This has helped through fight after fight, disagreement after disagreement.  There are times I feel so far into an argument where I am mad or hurt and then I remind myself that we are in this together.  We are on the same team.  We may disagree, we may have made mistakes and may still have lots to sort through and talk about.  BUT we have the same goal that we want to get on the same page and be in this together.  
There are times I'm mad about things Chris forgets or times I feel like he should know or anticipate how a situation or conversation would make me feel.  If I stop and remind myself that he isn't doing these things to make me mad, and that he has intentions to make our marriage better and that he loves me, it helps soften my feelings.  While it doesn't solve the problem it changes my approach.  
When Addilyn was born it was a tough transition for us.  I'm not sure if it's because we had 8 years with just us, or that it was just hard.  There were multiple times Chris would say to me "I'm on your side."  That simple reminder made a huge difference.  We didn't have to be happy with the argument or necessarily the place our marriage was in that day or that week, but it helped remind me that our goal is the same.  To be on the same team, in this together.  
Chris Vale.  Thank you for "raising me yourself."  For loving me more than anyone else.  For constantly telling me I'm beautiful and how much you love me.  For being easy going, silly and smiling a lot.  For providing for our family and being an amazing dad to Addilyn.  And for being on my team.  Happy Anniversary.  
Ten years in and many, many more to go.

Holidays are Messy

 

I feel like holidays are really tricky with kids.  You have big plans, things schedules and more pressure for a really good day.  It's too bad toddlers don't understand that holidays should be different than any other days.   While I don't think I could ever not be disappointed if a holiday doesn't turn how I thought, I think I'm starting to learn that I really have no control over it.  
At the end of Mother's Day, my sister and I went to Target alone.  (A real Mother's Day present, right?)  We were talking about the pressure of holidays.  To get a perfect picture, to share something sentinmental, to really enjoy the day.  The thing is, if you have young kids, the chances of all of those happening are pretty slim.  
We actually had a great Mother's Day.  Addilyn slept pretty well the night before, was happy with Chris getting up with her in the morning (a rare thing), did great in the church nursery and took a great nap.  We hosted Mother's Day at our house and she did great.  Now the picture part, not so much.  Of course the one picture that was great, was super blurry.  Thank you Chris.  

But we've had our share already of rough holidays.  Easter was a complete miss, as Addilyn woke up with the stomach flu.  Last Halloween she had a really nasty cold, was terribly crabby, the weather was awful, and Chris was sick, so we did one house of trick or treating and the day was not even close to what I had expected.  
Add into it that it gets messy when you want to share about your holiday on social media, especially Mother's Day.  I know how hard Mother's Day can be when you don't have kids, but so badly long to be a mother.  So do you not post anything because you don't want to make things worse for those that are hurting?  Do you post your one beautiful picture you get or a real life one that is much more accurate of how your life is?  
I think I've spent a lot of time comparing my daily life to others.  A lot of time worrying about what other people are feeling, which can be great, but also can take the joy out of your own day.  I think what I'm learning is that number one I need to have low expectations.  That it's okay to plan how I want our day to go, plan on taking cute pictures and all being happy, but know that a lot of things are out of my control.  And then number two, I'm responsible for how I feel.  If my day is a mess and others are posting these beautiful pictures, so what.  Good for them if their day is great, but more likely than not they took 20 pictures to get one good one and there were probably tears and bribery along with it.  If I am totally happy with our day but then see three people announce pregnancies with baby number two, then I need to have an attitude adjustment or maybe just not spend time on social media.  
Sometimes I think about trading in the time I spend thinking about what I'm going to share with others or how to word things correctly, for thoughts about things I'm thankful for or anything else far more productive.  So I'm remembering this for next holiday.  There's a good chance it's not going to be perfect.  And that is completely okay.  This is a season of life with little kids and it's messy and loud and unpredictable.  And if I get a great picture, then that is a super bonus.  
But if the majority of my pictures look like this, then I'll have plenty of stories to tell her when she's older.   Like how the highlight of this Mother's Day was dancing on the table and showing everyone how big she can open her mouth.  

Wanna be

 

tunic: c/o sheinside   jeggings: gap   sandals: old navy 

I think if there's one style I wish I could pull off it would be the hippy look.  Long braided hair, flowy dresses and cute sandals.  I've wanted an embroidered dress/tunic for a long time, and I remember last year clicking on many bloggers pages looking into their cute tops or dresses and they were always so expensive.  This top is less than $20, and while it says dress, it's definitely more a tunic for me.  Maybe a good beach coverup or good with leggings, but a little too short and see through by itself.  But I love it as a top!  

And I did plant some basil and cilantro and a bunch of flowers this weekend, plus got this for Mother's Day, which puts me a little closer to hippish, right?  Or maybe having a garden and herbs is just being an adult.  Either way, it makes me happy! 

Hope you all had a great weekend and enjoyed your Mother's Day!