One Year

I may have watched this countless times this week and cried.  I can't even believe I am the mom of a one year old and that a year ago I meet her for the first time.  
A year ago tonight Chris and I headed to the hospital after about ten hours of contractions at home.  I did lots of walking, many hours of waiting and over three and half hours of pushing to meet our sweet Addilyn Jane.  I think about the day she was born and it did not go as I had planned.  My labor was full of way more pain than I had anticipated, a whole lot more pushing than I expected and I didn't get to put her on my chest like I had hoped.  I felt scared and honestly a little traumatized by the whole thing. 

But when I think about the moments I got to hold Addilyn for the first time, it was so worth it.  The nine months of worry and excitement, waiting for our miracle baby.  The exhausting days in the hospital and first days home.  And I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I so badly wish it was possible to go back in time for that moment.  To look at her face and hold her tiny little self for the first time.  To relive the moment when I became a mom.  

It's hard for me to believe a whole year has passed.  How much she has changed and how different our lives our.  Motherhood has been a rollercoaster, full of so many emotions.  I imagine each year after to be the same.  Days of pure joy and contentment.  Days of exhaustion and questioning what I am doing and how am I responsible for raising her.  But at the end of the each day I couldn't be more thankful for Addilyn.  
I feel like for so many months after Addilyn was born I thought that I'd blink my eyes and this whole motherhood role would be gone.  That I was living someone else's life and it wasn't a reality that I was a mom.  These last many months it's finally sunk in that we really are a family of three.  I can't even imagine our lives with Addilyn.  
I don't always understand why it took so long for us to have a baby, but I know that on days that are hard it's given me a new perspective of gratefulness for Addilyn.  I feel so blessed to have a happy, and healthy daughter.  

I'm sad this first year is over.  I miss the baby snuggles, the hours of holding a sleeping baby during the day, and the awe of a precious little miracle.  I didn't expect to be so emotional about her turning one.  About saying goodbye to the baby stage.  But I know there are so many things to come that I will love.  I can't wait for her to run to me and hug me.  To tell me she loves me.   I know there are so many experiences to come and I can't wait to go through them with Addilyn. 
Motherhood has been harder than I thought it would be.  It's been more tiring, and draining and emotional than I had imagined.  But I also couldn't imagine how amazing it would be.  I couldn't imagine how much my heart would be full when I witnessed her first time rolling over or hearing her laugh.  I thank God for making me a mom a year ago.  For giving me a silly, adorable, social, and fun baby girl. 

Addilyn Jane I love you more than you know.  I love your big brown eyes, your little legs and long torso.  I love your wild giggle when you're going after something you know you shouldn't.  I love how you rest your head on my shoulder when I sing you a song before you go to bed.  You fearlessness sometimes makes me nervous, but I love your excitement for new things.  I love how social you are and how happy you get when a friend comes over.  I love how you flail your arms and legs when you're excited about something like going outside, eating blueberries or Molly running into the room.  You make my heart happy and I am so lucky to be your mom.   
Happy birthday sweet girl!  We think you are the best thing ever.   You were so worth the wait.