If I could do it differently

I had this post started up with a list of things that I'd like to do differently if I started over with Addilyn.  A list of things that I would want to differently if we have another baby.  Some things like let Chris comfort Addilyn during the night from the beginning, because we're kind of stuck in this bad pattern of me being the only one that can calm her down.  Or to be more consistent throughout her first year with putting her in the church nursery because now she screams and cries and it makes me dread Sunday mornings.  Things like not respond the second she makes a sound in the middle of the night for the first six months and probably setting her up to not so great sleeping habits.  To leave her for longer periods of time with our parents, have them put her down for naps and bedtime. Or how she's currently in a phase where she wants to nurse many times during the day, which she's never done and maybe I should've weaned her sooner.

For last few weeks I've been worried about all these things and have been fixating on them.  My girlfriends are going away for a night next month and I'm not going to go because I'm not ready to leave Addilyn overnight.  She still nurses once during the night and I just don't feel ready to leave her.  I know plenty of moms have left their babies overnight by this point and even lots have gone away with their husbands without their babies and feel like maybe I should be ready.  When I see posts of couples leaving their babies who are younger than Addilyn I wonder what's wrong with us, that I'm not ready for that.

Then I stop and think about how she is already 15 months.  The last year and a half have gone so quickly and can only imagine the next year and half will go by just as fast.  Then she'll be three and not even close to a baby.  These issues won't be issues anymore and they'll be replaced with different battles, like tantrums and wanting to stay and play at Grandma and Grandpa's and not come home.

So when it comes down to it I don't think I would've been able to do any of those things differently. I just did whatever I thought was the best for us, in that moment.  I'm sure down the line I'll do things differently with another baby, as it won't all feel so foreign and new.  But more probably because that baby will be different than Addilyn, and I'll have different needs and approaches at that time too.

It's so easy for me to fixate on things and I'm trying so hard to just let them go.  But it's a struggle. To remind myself that we're happy and all I can do is the best I can do.  To take it day by day and do what is working for our family. And that above anything Addilyn is loved like crazy.  And that I would do the same over and over.