Dear baby boy,

Dear baby boy, 
I feel like I know you so much more since we found out you were a boy.  I really did not have a feeling one way or the other and would have been excited either way.  Honestly, at first I think I would've been a little relieved if we had found out we were having a girl.  I feel prepared for a girl, and know more what to expect and boy, would you have had a lot of clothes to wear!  But since finding out, every day I get more and more excited to be adding a boy to our family.  I've found some cute clothes for you and just about every day go in your room and look at these tiny onesies and imagine what you'll look like wearing them.  
I painted a dresser for your room a few weeks ago and I love it.  I have been collecting some things for your nursery and I love looking at them and planning what your room will look like.  I still can't believe we're getting a room ready for another baby.  
You've started moving a lot.  I mostly feel you when I'm laying down at night, usually watching tv.  Your daddy has felt a few little movements.  I can't wait until Addilyn can feel you kick.  The other day she was hugging my belly and my stomach growled and she was convinced it was you talking to her.  It was so cute.  She already loves you so much!  
I'm so excited for your daddy to have a son.  He is so happy and talks about taking you camping, and hiking and all the things he'll get to do with you.  I can't wait to see you two together.  The other day we were talking about your name and he got teary eyed just talking about you.  You are so lucky to have such a wonderful dad.  
Your big sister is getting better at saying baby brother instead of baby sister.  Although she still often says we should name you Emma when I ask.  The other times she says "blue baby" for your name. Don't worry, we have some good names on our list, and I'd love to decide soon so we can all start calling you that. 
I still worry about you.  I have days when I think about what if I don't get to hold you come March. I already can't imagine our life without you and feel like you are meant to be in our family.  God is so good to give you to us and you are such a blessing to us already.  We love you so much and can't wait to meet you!  Keep growing strong sweety baby boy!
Love, 
your mom

Answer this?

vest: old navy   flannel: c/o shein  jeans: ross 

Why is it hard to find inexpensive, great maternity jeans?  This is the only pair I own that I really like.  I found them at Ross for $17.  But I want a pair that is darker and that I can tuck into boots. I want a pair that are cute and comfortable and don't cost me close to $100.  

Why is my belly so high?  If I didn't put my hand over my stomach in these pictures I'm pretty sure it just runs right up into my boobs and there is no space whatsoever.  

Where can I find scrunchy socks?  Ones that I can wear with wedges or my flat booties and leggings.  I have only see ones that are too high.  I need my collection from the 80's back.  Although I promise not to wear two at a time and swap colors on each leg.  
Why can't people selling products do a little research?  Someone messaged me from It Works about shrinking my belly and trying out their products.  Um, do a little looking on my facebook page and you'd see that this belly is only getting bigger these days, just like it is supposed to!
What's a good camera that's around $300?  My birthday is next week and I'm asking for money towards a camera for my birthday and Christmas.  I don't want to spend much more than $300 but want a sweet camera that I can learn how to take better pictures with.  
Help please!!

Looking back

This last weekend we went away to Wisconsin and there were so many things that made the weekend great.  It's impossible for me to not think about our last trips there and look at where are family is now and just be beyond thankful for all God has given us.  Chris and I first stayed in this house when we were starting another round of fertility treatments.  I remember giving myself multiple shots in the bathroom and wondering what our family would look like down the line.  What weekend getaways would look like, and if we'd have kids to bring with us.  A year later we came back and I was five months pregnant with Addilyn.  I remember hiking through the same trails, thinking how last year at that time I had no idea what our future would look like and here I was pregnant with our baby girl.  The following year we came back with Addilyn.  She swam for the first time in the pool, and slept (terribly I remember) in the same bedroom we were in years before.  
This year here I was standing in the same place with a two year old, and pregnant with a baby boy. I never want to cease to be amazed at how good God is.  That His plan is perfect and that waiting for his timing gave us the biggest blessings we could ask for.  Two miracles and a family that I am so grateful for.  I think when you're deep in the trenches of uncertainty and fear, not knowing what your future holds, it's hard to look past that.  To know that God has a plan and that His way is better than we can imagine.  But there is so much hope that it is there.  I would have never imaged four years ago that I'd have a two year, and a baby on the way that came without any interventions.  That'd we would be on our way to becoming a family of four.   I couldn't feel more thankful for God's blessing and am grateful that I can look back now and see our prayers answered more than we could've asked for. 

Short and sweet

kimono: c/o shein    tee: old navy   pants: ross (maternity)   boots: target
I've had this kimono for awhile and kept forgetting to wear it, and now want to wear it all the time! Kimonos are perfect for being pregnant.  And thankfully my v-neck tees just barely cover my belly.  I own quite a few of them and will be sad when they don't fit anymore!
We just got back from a weekend away with some friends and it was so good.  We had such a great time, and I'm having a hard time not being crabby that the weekend is over.  Addi didn't nap today and we are so ready for bedtime, but not ready for Monday!  You with me?
Hope you all had a great weekend!

19 & 20 Weeks

I'm pretty sure these pictures were only a few days apart, which goes to show that it totally makes a difference what I'm wearing and how I'm standing because the top one is probably way smaller than I look most of the time.  
I can't believe we are halfway there!  I'm happy to be half way and ready to start some baby planning now that we know we are having a boy!  It has been good motivation to get some things done.  I've moved a good amount of my craft stuff from our extra room to the basement and still have some organizing to do for sure, but at least we are making progress.  I went to Target and bought a few baby boy clothes, as we have nothing for a boy!  I found a dresser on a garage sale site and painted it white this last weekend and love how it looks in the room.  I can't wait to start decorating his room! 
I am feeling pretty good overall.  Just so tired.  I think I had three days so far I've felt like myself energy wise.  But I am just so thankful that I am not throwing up anymore.  I'm still taking medicine, as the few times I haven't my stomach has felt sick most of the day.  Despite being tired, I've been managing to work out at least four times a week, whether a longer walk or a work out video (modified for sure).  It's amazing what a difference my belly makes in doing certain exercises.  
Weight gain.  Ugh.  Trying not to worry about it, but struggling.  It did not help that the doctor told me that I've gained too much weight and his wise words of advice were to just "eat less."  Thank you. That is super helpful.  I actually have been eating relatively healthy and close to what I did pre-baby, so I'm doing my best to not worry about it and letting my body do what it needs to do.  Easier said than done, right? 
Addilyn is super sweet when she talks about the baby.  Although she is so convinced it is a girl. Everytime I say it's a boy, she says "no, it's my baby sister."  I am blaming Daniel Tiger for that one. Hopefully the more we say it, it'll sink in.  She will find things around the house and ask if she can show the baby, which means she wants to lift up my shirt and show my belly button.  At the store she'll hold up baby clothes and tell me the baby needs them, and always kisses my belly and says goodnight.  It is adorable and I love it.  I daily pray for Addilyn and our baby boy's relationship and I can't wait to see her love on him once he's here! 
Some days I get super excited thinking about him being here and being a family of four.  Other days I'm completely terrified and overwhelmed at the thought.  Sound about right??  Either way, I love this baby boy more than I can say and am so thankful for him.  

There's a Peanut in my Belly

 tee: c/o peanut in my belly  

I got this cute tee last week and I love it!  Kim from Peanut in my Belly Co. sent it to me and I've already worn it twice in the last week.  I mean there's no hiding that there's a baby in my belly these days, but it's fun to have a shirt that makes it clear with a cute saying.  It is perfect with leggings, a cardigan and boots, which will be my Fall and Winter go to outfit.  It's super soft and thinner, which is great because I am always, always hot!  I ordered a size XL because I want it to fit the rest of my pregnancy. It is currently a little baggy but I'm sure I won't have that problem for much longer!

There are a ton of cute tees and tanktops in her shop.  I couldn't decide between the one I picked and this cute mint tank top!  All which would be cute for a growing belly and to layer in the Fall and Winter.

My good blogging friend Alison wore this tee for her pregnancy announcement and it was so so cute. She's been wearing it for each week's update on her blog and it makes me wish I would've had this tee from the beginning so I could've done the same!  There's a bunch of super cute mamas wearing this tee on Kim's instagram feed too!

Make sure to follow Peanut in my Belly Co. on instagram and facebook for cute maternity outfits, coupons and fun photos!  You can use the code FORLL20 for 20% all apparel items in her shop! Thank you so much for my tee Kim.  I LOVE it and know I will get a ton of wear out of it.  

Telling our families

When I was pregnant with Addilyn we had my parents and brother and sister in law over to tell them that we were having a girl and then did the same thing with Chris' parents the next day.  I made a cake and put pink frosting inside.  It was easy and fun, so I figured we'd do the same thing again.  This time my sister and family were there and our parents together, which made it even better.  My cake looked exactly the same as last time (minus the blue frosting of course!).  

I had my sister and nephew cut into the cake and their faces are too funny!  I know Travis is excited about having another boy in the family! 
Clearly I lack more creativity and wanted to do things just as simple as the first time with this too! When we announced the the gender our first pregnancy we used balloons, so I thought it would be fun to do the same thing again.  This time with a much cuter subject blowing the balloons. 

Our families stayed for less than a half hour and then we headed to the pumpkin farm!  It was a perfect afternoon, and so much fun telling them all in person that we were having a boy!  Now it only Addilyn would stop saying everything is for her "baby sister."  

It's a . . . .

We are SO excited and can't wait for our little boy to arrive early March!  I'm pretty sure either way we would have said we were surprised.  Addilyn still insists on saying she's having a baby sister (which I think we can blame Daniel Tiger for), but I'm sure she'll come around soon!

We are so thankful for a healthy baby and feel blessed to be adding a little boy to our family. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss

I feel like this is such a sensitive topic and one you have to tread lightly through, making it sometimes hard to know what the right things to say are.  This year more than others I feel like people are more vocal, raw and honest and I it is such a good thing.  On one hand it makes you know you are not alone, but on another it's a reminder to me how fragile life is.  Lately I feel like it seems harder to have a healthy baby than not.  I feel like I know more and more people who have lost babies, at all stages of their pregnancies.  And it's scary.  Being pregnant right now I feel like any day something could happen and I feel so out of control.  But I think that is something God wants.  Us to be reminded that He is in control.  That we don't call the shots and we can't predict our future.  Daily I'm surrendering this pregnancy, this sweet baby to Him.  
During our second round of IVF, we found out we were pregnant.  I can tell you exactly where we were sitting when I got the call from the nurse.  I can picture calling our parents right after.  I can tell you what I was wearing that day.  Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate.  I have a vivid image of where we sat, our conversations, our huge excitement that we were finally pregnant.  I look back and part of me thinks how naive we were.  I didn't even question that I wouldn't hold our baby that first week in May.  Three days later I went in for more blood work and my numbers barely went up, meaning the chances were super slim of my body holding onto this baby.  We were devastated to say the least.  I went back two days later and they started going down, only to start bleeding a few days after that.  I felt almost silly for celebrating and being so excited.  But looking back I'm so glad we did.  We were thrilled we were going to be parents to that baby and already loved him or her more than we could imagine.  It was a short week of loving a baby, but it was a whole lot of love.  A whole lot of waiting and prayers for a baby we never got to meet.  
Having a miscarriage made me more cautious and guarded.  When we found out we were pregnant our third round of IVF I had a hard time being fully excited.  I was nervous at every following appointment.  Especially when I started bleeding around 5 1/2 weeks, sure I was losing our baby. Thankfully our miracle stayed put and grew to be our sweet Addilyn.  I've seen close friends lose babies at all stages and I don't know if there is anything more heartbreaking.  My group of friends sadly looks at pregnancy as scary and hard and with no guarantee because of the awful things they've endured.  And I don't blame them one bit, and many days feel the same way.  
Some days I struggle with being confident that I will hold this baby come March.  But I know that God has given us this blessing and today I am pregnant.  With a healthy baby and I am so thankful for this blessing.  This blessing that many long for and never get to experience.  I'm thankful for the baby we lost, even though we only celebrated him or her for a week.  I'm thankful for the other three embryos that we never got to see their little heartbeat but saw their tiny little selves on a screen. Those babies have shaped who I am today and made me a mom first.  
I'm grateful for a community that can celebrate and honor and grief these babies.  And I am so so thankful for this baby that is growing in my belly.  That God can do miracles and that He gave us our Addilyn and this miracle too. 

Numbers

top: gap   pants and boots: old navy  watch: c/o JORD watch
One.  The days left until we find out if our baby is a boy or girl.  I can't wait!  I'm feeling a little anxious for our appointment and just want everything to be healthy with our sweet baby.  But SO excited to find out what we're having.  
Two.  The amount of pumpkin muffins I ate yesterday, which took some serious self control. 
Four.  The amount of thank you notes I need to write.  And I'm sure come March I'll have a list of many others to write.  Perhaps if I had a stack of thank you postcards, like these from Moo, ready to go, it'd be easier to make it happen on time.  
Five.  The amount of items sitting in my cart on shein.  Here's a few of them.  I want them all!  

 plaid button up//  multicolor cardigan //  plaid cardigan Seven.  An estimate of the amount of times I cried on Monday.  It was an awful day.  So thankful the next days have been better.  

Twelve.  The cost of these pants from Old Navy.  They are super soft and stretchy perfect non-maternity maternity pants.  
Fifty three. The temperature high for Friday.  And I'm completely okay with it.  Bring on the hot apple cider and hot chocolate while sitting on our couch with a fire.  

A new hair color, jacket and two minutes of wearing these shoes

 jacket: c/o shein   tee: target   jeans: gap   booties: ?   watch: c/o JORD watch

I am in love with this jacket.  It's super thin, but comfy and makes me feel a tiny bit dressier than normal.  Which isn't super hard to do.  

Friday I had my hair cut and colored it much darker than I usually do. It's a little darker than I thought it would be but I think I really like it!  

I haven't worn shoes with heels more than an inch forever, and not sure if I can be trusted.  Trying when pregnant is probably not the best idea.  I changed them as soon as we went inside.  

This wooden watch is my absolute favorite and I wear it all the time.  

I got this necklace at a little boutique and one charm says loved and one has an A on it.  Addi now thinks every necklace I have says "A-d-d-i."  It's pretty cute.   

Speaking of necklaces, Addilyn wanted to wear one and be part of the pictures too.  Don't worry.  I dressed her before we left.

Your tribe

Yesterday one of my best friends had a lunch for woman in her "tribe."  Woman who have had been there for her and who have made a difference in her life the last year or many years.  There were about 7 woman there, and while I knew of all of them, many of them I hadn't met yet.  She made us this delicious lunch, had her house clean and beautifully decorated, and a place set with a card and beautiful quote and frame for each of us.  We spent most of the time talking, but then she went around and told each person why she appreciated them and what they meant to her.  There were quite a few tears and tenderness and it was just beautiful.  
It was this beautiful picture of the body of Christ.  My friend Meredith who hosted, has become my closest friend, even though we've only known each other for less than two years.  But ironically, as close as we are we have lots of things that are different about our personalities.  Different interests, passions, gifts.  There are many ways we relate to each other, but listening to her thank these other woman, I am so glad she has them too.  There is another woman who is doing foster care just like her, which is something that while I can listen to, I can not understand how hard that journey is. Another woman there who is a mentor to her, and is there to give her advice in areas that I too could use lots of advice in.  Another who has been friends with her since she was little, so they have this long history of friendship.  Listening to her share about each woman there, all so so different, but all in a deep friendship with her.  It's amazing how God uses people in your life in different ways.  And when you look at them all together, all these different needs that are being met.   
I think all too often and probably much of my life, I have expected a lot out of certain friendships, and am often disappointed.  I think I expect one or even two relationships to satisfy me, and meet my needs or expectations, when I don't think anyone, myself included can fulfill that.  I can have one friend who is amazing at initiating things, another who is great to just laugh with, and another who I know I can count on for a deep conversation and encouragement.  It was a reminder to me that God can use lots of people in your life.  And all for different things.  Everyone is going to have strengths and weaknesses, but when we can look at the family of Christ, or your "tribe" of woman, all the different strengths that are represented.  
I kept thinking about what a special thing it was for her to do, and how nice it was to feel loved and appreciated.  I keep wondering what it would look like if everyone first of all had a "tribe" like that, and second of all if they told each other how thankful they were for each other.  I'm so thankful for a friend that modeled that so beautifully, and would love to do the same.   

Randoms

sweater: c/o shein   tee: target   leggings: gap   booties: old navy 

I am in love with this pink sweater and I'm sure you're tired of leggings, tee and sweater outfits.  And I can't promise much different the rest of this pregnancy.  
Old Navy had free shipping on any amount yesterday and I got Addi some adorable fall clothes. Like these leggings for under $3 and this tee for under $4.  Dressing a girl is the best thing ever.  
One week until we find out this baby's gender and I can not wait! Last night I started pinning a bunch of nursery things, boy and girl and just want to know!!  
These leggings from Gap are my favorite.  They are maternity leggings and go right under my belly. They are SO comfortable and my cheap self normally wouldn't spend $22 on leggings, but they were worth it and I almost want another pair because I wear them so often. 
It is hard for me to not stress about the amount of weight gain this pregnancy.  I stressed about it when I was pregnant with Addilyn, and yet still am now.  Probably because I'm gaining more weight this time and it's hard to not have much control over it!  I'm sure I could write a whole post about pregnancy self esteem.
I am starting to have a desire to get stuff done around our house to get ready for this baby, and maybe feel a tiny bit more energy.  Hoping soon I get some big motivation to do it regardless! 
Both in Sunday school and Bible Study this week Addilyn did not cry at all in the childcare!  Huge victory! 
Happy Friday! I hope you have a great weekend!