Update

I usually let posts like this sit in my drafts file for awhile, but I'm ready to process this and do whatever I can to move forward.  

I'm not sure why I always hesitate to write about this on my blog.  

Friends that I have met through talking about this have become one of the greatest blessings from this struggle. 

I guess I fear sounding as if I'm ungrateful for all the good things in my life, or as if this is the worst thing that I could be going through. 

But the truth is - It is hard and painful. Writing about it, finding others who are dealing with it, and receiving encouragement has made it easier. So as cautious as I am sometimes to share, I'm going to keep doing it. 

Right after I wrote this post I found out that I was pregnant.  My blood results were positive, and although still cautious we were thrilled.  We were actually in shock that I could really be pregnant.

Two days later I went in to make sure my numbers were doubling and sadly they had barely gone up.  The day after, I went in again and they started going down, which means that I was having a chemical pregnancy.

Those three days were an emotional roller coaster that I hope to never experience again.

This is the first time I have really felt angry about this whole situation. 

In the past my feelings were primarily sad, scared and tired of the whole thing.

But this time, I felt mad too. 

Mad that God let me feel pregnant for three days. 

Mad that I started planning out my pregnancy, due date, how and when we'd tell people. . . . . . 

Mad that I told my family and a few close friends, only to tell them I wasn't pregnant two days later.

Mad that I had to pay $90 that week just to find out I wasn't pregnant.

Mad that I had to do weeks and weeks of shots and medicine for nothing. 

Mad that Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate that night. 

Mad that I'm not sure when the time is to take a break from this and when to keep going.

and mad that SO many people were praying for me and that I'm still not pregnant. 

Faith isn't perfect, and mine is far from it.

While it was a struggle, I'm still giving glory to God for I know in my heart His plan is best.

I'm thankful for a God that loves us when we're mad and don't understand His plan.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me even though I feel hurt and confused.

I'm thankful for a God that has blessed me with a family that cares and loves me more than I can understand.

I'm thankful for a God that wraps His arms around me while I wait to feel His peace.

I'm thankful for a God that will never leave me and will continue to draw me near, even more when I am sad and broken.