A whole year home

sweater: target   jeggings: ace and ivy   scarf: discovery  boots: dsw 

When I wrote out my letter for my maternity leave I had said I planned on coming back February 12th, although I had hopes of being able to stay home the rest of the school year.  When the school year started that day seemed so far away and it amazes me how quickly it came.  As the date drew closer we had lots of conversations about whether or not we could afford for me to stay home. With Chris having his own business this was kind of up in the air as the idea of being on his income alone was unstable and a little scary. 

polarbear onesie: gap 

We have savings, but my type A, saving and planning self felt like that should be kept for emergencies.  Chris continued to remind me that this would be a time completely worth it to use our savings if needed.  I would love to have the guarantee of how much money Chris would make and know that we would be set financially until next school year.  But I know that isn't possible, and know that in life most people don't have that guarantee.  Anything could happen and that's where I knew to trust God more.  He has been so faithful to us throughout our marriage and has always given us what we need and way more.  
I struggle with the idea of where the line is of being faithful that God will provide and being responsible with the situation God has put you in.  I didn't want to take the year off if I felt like God gave me a job that I needed to return to.  And that's where a lot of prayer and conversations came.  When it came down to it I feel confident in our decision for me to stay home.  Especially as the day for me to return draws closer.  

There is a part of me that is sad about not returning to work as I do miss things about teaching.  I miss the routine of going to work.  Getting dressed, driving to school, drinking my hot coffee.  I miss the funny stories from kids, feeling purposeful and the creativeness of teaching.  Making bulletin boards, filling out a planner and coming up with new ideas.  I really miss my friends at school and the chance to have adult conversations daily.  But when it comes down to it, I knew if I at all at the choice I want to be home with Addilyn.  As we get in more of a routine together, I feel like this is what I should be doing day to day.  

I'm not sure what next school year will look like.  I don't want to give up teaching altogether, but would love to not work full time.  I am praying that there will be an option for me to work part time so I can still teach and spend time at home with Addilyn.  Sometimes I get anxious when I think about next year.  I'd love to be able to know what I'm going to do and what it will look like.  But God continues to teach me that I am not in control.  That worrying gets me nowhere and that I need to continue to trust in him.  Whatever happens next year, I am beyond grateful for this first year home with my baby.  I know how lucky I am to be able to spend this year with her and do not want to take it for granted.