I know I've only been a mom for a very short four months, but I think this last month has been the hardest so far. It's been a month where my uncertainty of being a mom and knowing the "right" things to do is the most present it's been. I've allowed anxiety over attempting consistency and scheduling and sleep, all to have it be the complete opposite, take over. And once anxiety is present in one area in my life, it manages to creep it's way into others. I worry more about finances, Chris' job and the future. I become a much more emotional and unpleasant person.
I know I shared a little about our poor sleep lately and my attempt to stop worrying about it and just do what I think is best and not stress about the right way to do things. But I have failed quite miserably. I have spent far too many hours reading baby boards, books and websites about sleep. My conversations with my friends with babies always end up being about sleep and I often leave feeling defeated, wondering what I can do to make things different. I have spent way too much time worrying that Addilyn will never be able to self soothe, and never sleep a good stretch of hours. Or that in a month or so if things aren't different we're going to have to let her cry it out, which while I don't think is a wrong choice, I can't imagine doing it at this point. I worry that because I haven't left her much, I'll never be able to leave her for more than a few hours. Or that because she's not on a set schedule I'd never be able to leave her for the whole day.
I realized the other day that down the line I am going to look back at this time and see that I have wasted weeks or more of Addilyn's baby life worrying that I am doing things wrong. I am missing out on all the wonderful things about this stage, like that I may have the happiest baby in the world. That I have a baby that smiles when you take her picture, blows a hundred bubbles a day and loves spending time with her mama.
I'm tired of worrying about things and comparing my mothering to others. I'm tired of analyzing each day and trying to find a pattern when I'm pretty confident there is not one yet. I'm realizing I'm missing these precious moments with a baby that we waited years for and I don't want to look back at this time and realize I wasted it worrying if I was doing it "right."
So here's to trying harder to stop comparing and give schedules and sleeping time and move forward to days of enjoying my beautiful, happy baby girl.
