the hardest so far

I know I've only been a mom for a very short four months, but I think this last month has been the hardest so far. It's been a month where my uncertainty of being a mom and knowing the "right" things to do is the most present it's been.  I've allowed anxiety over attempting consistency and scheduling and sleep, all to have it be the complete opposite, take over.  And once anxiety is present in one area in my life, it manages to creep it's way into others.  I worry more about finances, Chris' job and the future.  I become a much more emotional and unpleasant person.  
I know I shared a little about our poor sleep lately and my attempt to stop worrying about it and just do what I think is best and not stress about the right way to do things.  But I have failed quite miserably.  I have spent far too many hours reading baby boards, books and websites about sleep.  My conversations with my friends with babies always end up being about sleep and I often leave feeling defeated, wondering what I can do to make things different.  I have spent way too much time worrying that Addilyn will never be able to self soothe, and never sleep a good stretch of hours.  Or that in a month or so if things aren't different we're going to have to let her cry it out, which while I don't think is a wrong choice, I can't imagine doing it at this point.  I worry that because I haven't left her much, I'll never be able to leave her for more than a few hours.  Or that because she's not on a set schedule I'd never be able to leave her for the whole day.  
I realized the other day that down the line I am going to look back at this time and see that I have wasted weeks or more of Addilyn's baby life worrying that I am doing things wrong.  I am missing out on all the wonderful things about this stage, like that I may have the happiest baby in the world.  That I have a baby that smiles when you take her picture, blows a hundred bubbles a day and loves spending time with her mama.   

I'm tired of worrying about things and comparing my mothering to others.  I'm tired of analyzing each day and trying to find a pattern when I'm pretty confident there is not one yet.  I'm realizing I'm missing these precious moments with a baby that we waited years for and I don't want to look back at this time and realize I wasted it worrying if I was doing it "right."  
So here's to trying harder to stop comparing and give schedules and sleeping time and move forward to days of enjoying my beautiful, happy baby girl.  
 

Hello Four Months

Dear Addilyn, 

It's hard to believe that you are four months old already. I have a feeling I'm going to say that every month though.  This month has been so fun as you're little personality is coming out more and more.  You are such a happy baby and smile a lot! Your big gummy smile and beautiful big eyes are one of my favorite things about you.  

You still love the mornings and it's my favorite time of the day with you.  We sit on the living room floor, I drink my coffee and we play for about an hour before you take a nap.  Most of the time we are on the floor you quickly roll over to your tummy.  You finally don't mind being on your stomach for a good amount of time, but you aren't so great at getting back to your back when you're done.  

You notice so much now! You love looking at and watching Molly and don't even mind when she licks you.  You love looking at things around our house and love playing with all your toys.  It's funny to me that you already have an opinion of what things you like to play with and what you don't care for.  

This month you got a pretty bad cold.  It was so sad.  You had a hard time breathing out of your nose and were so stuffy, with a bad cough.  We had two incredibly rough nights where we both slept terribly!  That started your bad sleeping phase, which you are still in!  We are anxiously awaiting for you to grow out of it and go back to being a pretty decent sleeper.  You probably find it funny at the different things that I try to attribute your bad sleeping to and all the things that I try to get you to sleep, when it probably just comes down to the fact that you aren't ready to sleep for long stretches and just aren't a great sleeper. (yet, hopefully!). 

You take most of your naps in your crib and although I like having some time to get things done myself, I miss those naps on the cough and your snuggles.  So once in awhile I hold you while you nap and I hope you keep letting me do it here and there because I love it! 

This month we celebrated Halloween and you dressed up as the cutest cow ever! I've never been a fan of Halloween until this year.  It's much more fun with a baby, even though you won't remember it.  We went to your cousins house to see them all dressed up and then stopped at Uncle Jacob's and Aunt Lauren's on our way home.  Next year you'll get to go trick or treating with them!

So many of the pictures that I try to take look like this because you are always moving. You also started laughing a lot.  Sometimes you do this almost fake sounding laugh and it is so funny.  But a handful of times you've given us this full on belly laugh with this little higher pitched giggle and I'm not sure anything has ever made me smile bigger.  I can't wait until you do that all the time!

You're getting really good at taking pictures and most of the time we can get you to smile! I hope you keep cooperating for pictures because I plan to continue to take a ton of them.  I still love dressing you every day, which is a good thing because since you drool all the time we go through about four outfits a day. I keep thinking all this drooling will result in some teeth but so far you are teeth free!

I'm pretty sure this next month is going to be my favorite as we get to celebrate Thanksgiving and then Christmas.  I can't wait to do all of our traditions with you and start some new ones too.  I love the happy, sweet little girl you are turning into and love watching you grow but wouldn't mind if time would slow down just a little.   You continue to be such a blessing and I still have moments where I can't believe that I am your mom.  I love you so much Addilyn Jane and think you are the best thing ever!

Love,

your mom

why a dingo will never eat my baby

I read way too many baby board forums about babies sleeping through the night and it's starting to make me crazy.  First of all I have to say technically "sleeping through the night" means five to six hours at this age, which lets be honest is so far from sleeping through the night, because five hours means I'm up before 1:00 feeding Addilyn.  NOT sleeping through the night.  So when people say their babies are sleeping through the night I don't really know what they mean. 
I kind of (okay really) hate seeing other mom's pictures and statuses when they say how many hours their babies slept.  An immediate wave of jealousy and frustration comes over me and then lots of thoughts of what am I doing wrong.  I seriously celebrate when Addilyn sleeps a six hour stretch and wakes up only twice before 7:00.  Chalk it up to four month sleep regression, a growth spurt, having a cold or just being a baby and these days I'd celebrate her going four straight hours just once through the night. 
When she was two months old she slept a few eight hour stretches and I seriously felt like we were on top of our sleeping game.  I thought we had an above average sleeper and were in for some many sleep filled nights ahead.  Well our baby girl had a different plan, which is really no plan at all.  She is all over the place with sleeping the last month and has not repeated that eight hour stretch once.  And lately we are back to how she slept as a newborn.
Whenever I read someone's status about their champion sleeper or read a baby board post about the same, I want to know. Are they swaddled? Do you nurse them to sleep? Do you feed them on demand? Do you sneak some sleeping drugs into a night time bottle? And what I really want to ask and assume the answer is yes is "are you lying?"  Because that one always makes me feel a little better about our situation.  

This article has been the best thing I've read when it comes to sleep training.  Besides making me laugh, it reminded me that I need to relax, keep trying and do what works best for us.  Plus it's safe to say that Addilyn is just so smart she'll never get eaten by a dingo, day or night.  
So we're working on baby steps in the sleep department, even if that means sleeping on the floor in Addilyn's room as we work on transitioning her to a crib.  Just kidding.  That would just be silly.   



P.S.  I have read many different sleep approaches, received a lot of wanted and unwanted advice and am kind of at a point of where we've tried everything we are willing to try the time being, so we're just going to keep trying.  I'm banning myself from reading articles, books, and baby boards for the time being because it is making me crazy.  So if I'm being completely honest, unless you want to come over and spend the night and show me in person your successful sleeping techniques just tell me to hang in there and that babies are babies and are hard sometimes.  ; ) 
Oh and here is another article for any of your sleepless mamas that I loved.