This is just my face now

 top: c/o shein   jeans: old navy  cardigan: american eagle  shoes: target 

I was about to start this by saying to ignore my tired face and then I thought I kind of just feel that's just how it looks most days.  Which made me think of that meme saying just that.  
Totally accurate.  

I hope you had a good weekend!  Tomorrow we have meet the teacher with Addilyn and then she starts Kindergarten on Tuesday!  It is hard to believe summer is over and she's starting real school. Good luck to all your kids and their first days of school!

recently . . . .

I shared this on my social media pages last week, but figured I'd write it out here too.  I've been wanting to share more about my health issues lately, as it has felt a little lonely and has been incredibly hard.  I know a huge part of getting support and help, starts with asking for it and sharing your story.  So, here is what is going on with me lately . . . 

Two months ago I got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis after months of joint pain and fatigue. I’m still in the process of figuring out symptoms and medicine and everything that goes with it.

There’s part of me that feels like people get diagnosed with more daunting things and that I need to deal with it and move on.

But then there’s part of me that knows it’s okay to grieve this diagnosis and let myself feel all the feelings. I’ve felt out of control of the symptoms that are happening to my body, despite working so hard to take care of myself. While I’ve had better days, I’ve had no pain or symptom free days in many months and it’s been exhausting and frustrating.

A part of me feels really anxious with a diagnosis that has the word long term in it, affecting your physical capabilities. And to wonder when I’ll feel like myself or what the years down the line could look like.

And then the determined conquering part of me is slowly coming through, where I know I’ll figure this out. And I know I’m strong and can handle whatever I’m faced with.

So while I’m in the middle muddling through these feelings here is what I know.

God is bigger than any health issue, symptom or fear. And I will not live in anxiety just because I do not have control. I know that God loves me and is capable of healing and can take care of me in my pain and frustrations. And that he made me strong and determined, and that I can handle this.

Not ready

 tank top: c/o  shein    jeans: american eagle    shoes: target   bracelet: nickel & suede   

earrings: noonday

Dare I say that I am ready to wear cardigans over tank tops and booties instead of sandals?  Too soon? Maybe just a little, but I am really looking forward to Fall, like I do every year.  However, I am not looking forward to the adjustment to Kindergarten.  I can hardly handle that Addi starts school in two weeks. 

Transitions and change or not my area of expertise and I get anxious thinking about them.  So I'll focus on all the good that comes with a new routine and new season.  Like my favorite season and all that comes with it, including little things like cardigans and jeans.  And this cute tank top that is only $9!

Are you ready for school to start? Ready for summer to be over?

Am I more of an adult now?

 pajamas: c/o shein

This is the first time I've owned an actual pajama set since probably eighth grade.  I can actually picture a Mickey Mouse long underwear kind of pajama set I loved and wore.  That matched my Mickey Mouse themed bedroom.  (I'm not embarrassed at all.  Maybe a little.)  Have I reached a higher level of adulting now that I do? 

Any guesses how many days I'll still chose an old t-shirt and boxer pajama shorts?  Actually I do think I will wear these to bed, because they are super silky and not in a staticy way, and really comfortable.  And certainly cuter to wear around the house then my alternative.   Plus they are $23. (Find them here!)  I will say I feel kind of fancy in them and they make me happy. ; ) 

Do you wear real pajamas to bed? Or your favorite old and worn comfy clothes?

God did not make me anxious

Here's the thing.  I wrote this post almost two months ago.  I felt like I had this huge revelation, making big steps in redefining who I am and how I approach things.  And I felt this freedom, and even wisdom.  And then maybe a week or two later, got some answers to some health issues I've been having and things got more intense and I felt overwhelmed, unsure and frustrated.  I felt like I took backwards steps and I felt defeated.

I didn't even want to post this because if I'm honest I am struggling to live out what I felt when I wrote it.  And then I question if I even felt those truths because it didn't seem to last long.

But I am deciding to claim victory over this area and holding onto these truths despite the fears and emotions I've felt the last two months.

And I'm learning how important it is to share your story even if you're not sure of the ending.  So here's part of mine . . . . . . . .

I feel like for the last five months or so God has been working in my heart and I've be learning so much about my self and who he has designed me to be.  I still have a lot of unanswered questions and would prefer to live my life with a step by step list of what I need to do to get to where I want, but am oh so slowly learning that is not how it works.  

I shared a little bit in January about a scare I had with my heart and was convinced I had a serious health issue.  After many doctors appointments, turns out I had some severe acid reflux, but thank God my heart was completely healthy.  The rest of the pain I was having was from anxiety. 

I have always been more of an anxious person, worrying about little things to big things and always struggled with the unknown.  But this was the first time my anxiety has caused a physical side effect, minus not sleeping and it really freaked me out.  That my worries, anxieties or fears would manifest in that way and I felt like I had no control over it.  

I started going to counseling and my naive, control searching self, thought I'd go one or two times and she'd give me a few steps and tools to use and I could improve my anxiety.  I think she probably laughed inside when I explained it that way.

The combination of counseling, prayer and talking through this all with some good friends, I feel like I am finally making a change in letting this part of what I thought was who I was, go.  

Knowing I've always struggled with needing security and felt anxious when I was ever out of control, I had just accepted that's who I was.  And I knew God worked through that in me, and more so thought he created me that way so I would need to surrender to him.  Over and over.  I am not sure why it has taken me this long to realize this but I finally had this awakening that God did not create me to be that way.  He would never create someone to be anxious. 

GOD DID NOT MAKE ME ANXIOUS. 

And I do not have to live like that.  

I can't explain the freedom I felt in declaring that and realizing that he doesn't want me to continually battle surrendering to him whenever an issue, health scare, conflict or whatever life situations come up.  He wants me to live in freedom, as the daughter that he designed me to be.  

My need to control myself and the things around is stealing the joy that God has for me.  My brain has been trained to always think of what is next, even if it's a good thing.  Rushing to the next thing, wondering what that will look like or what task I need to do next.  I am working on noticing the things around me, the little things, being in the present and letting those things bring me joy.  This is so not natural to me and I wish it was and I am determined to work on that being my normal practice.

So while the last few months have been a struggle to stay in the place I want to be in, not resorting to feeling anxious and like I need control, I am continually repeating that GOD DID NOT MAKE ME ANXIOUS.  And working to live in that freedom.