God did not make me anxious

Here's the thing.  I wrote this post almost two months ago.  I felt like I had this huge revelation, making big steps in redefining who I am and how I approach things.  And I felt this freedom, and even wisdom.  And then maybe a week or two later, got some answers to some health issues I've been having and things got more intense and I felt overwhelmed, unsure and frustrated.  I felt like I took backwards steps and I felt defeated.

I didn't even want to post this because if I'm honest I am struggling to live out what I felt when I wrote it.  And then I question if I even felt those truths because it didn't seem to last long.

But I am deciding to claim victory over this area and holding onto these truths despite the fears and emotions I've felt the last two months.

And I'm learning how important it is to share your story even if you're not sure of the ending.  So here's part of mine . . . . . . . .

I feel like for the last five months or so God has been working in my heart and I've be learning so much about my self and who he has designed me to be.  I still have a lot of unanswered questions and would prefer to live my life with a step by step list of what I need to do to get to where I want, but am oh so slowly learning that is not how it works.  

I shared a little bit in January about a scare I had with my heart and was convinced I had a serious health issue.  After many doctors appointments, turns out I had some severe acid reflux, but thank God my heart was completely healthy.  The rest of the pain I was having was from anxiety. 

I have always been more of an anxious person, worrying about little things to big things and always struggled with the unknown.  But this was the first time my anxiety has caused a physical side effect, minus not sleeping and it really freaked me out.  That my worries, anxieties or fears would manifest in that way and I felt like I had no control over it.  

I started going to counseling and my naive, control searching self, thought I'd go one or two times and she'd give me a few steps and tools to use and I could improve my anxiety.  I think she probably laughed inside when I explained it that way.

The combination of counseling, prayer and talking through this all with some good friends, I feel like I am finally making a change in letting this part of what I thought was who I was, go.  

Knowing I've always struggled with needing security and felt anxious when I was ever out of control, I had just accepted that's who I was.  And I knew God worked through that in me, and more so thought he created me that way so I would need to surrender to him.  Over and over.  I am not sure why it has taken me this long to realize this but I finally had this awakening that God did not create me to be that way.  He would never create someone to be anxious. 

GOD DID NOT MAKE ME ANXIOUS. 

And I do not have to live like that.  

I can't explain the freedom I felt in declaring that and realizing that he doesn't want me to continually battle surrendering to him whenever an issue, health scare, conflict or whatever life situations come up.  He wants me to live in freedom, as the daughter that he designed me to be.  

My need to control myself and the things around is stealing the joy that God has for me.  My brain has been trained to always think of what is next, even if it's a good thing.  Rushing to the next thing, wondering what that will look like or what task I need to do next.  I am working on noticing the things around me, the little things, being in the present and letting those things bring me joy.  This is so not natural to me and I wish it was and I am determined to work on that being my normal practice.

So while the last few months have been a struggle to stay in the place I want to be in, not resorting to feeling anxious and like I need control, I am continually repeating that GOD DID NOT MAKE ME ANXIOUS.  And working to live in that freedom.