September 3, 2012

Update

I usually let posts like this sit in my drafts file for awhile, but I'm ready to process this and do whatever I can to move forward.  


I'm not sure why I always hesitate to write about this on my blog.  
Friends that I have met through talking about this have become one of the greatest blessings from this struggle. 

I guess I fear sounding as if I'm ungrateful for all the good things in my life, or as if this is the worst thing that I could be going through. 

But the truth is - It is hard and painful. Writing about it, finding others who are dealing with it, and receiving encouragement has made it easier. So as cautious as I am sometimes to share, I'm going to keep doing it. 

Right after I wrote this post I found out that I was pregnant.  My blood results were positive, and although still cautious we were thrilled.  We were actually in shock that I could really be pregnant.

Two days later I went in to make sure my numbers were doubling and sadly they had barely gone up.  The day after, I went in again and they started going down, which means that I was having a chemical pregnancy.

Those three days were an emotional roller coaster that I hope to never experience again.

This is the first time I have really felt angry about this whole situation. 
In the past my feelings were primarily sad, scared and tired of the whole thing.

But this time, I felt mad too. 

Mad that God let me feel pregnant for three days. 

Mad that I started planning out my pregnancy, due date, how and when we'd tell people. . . . . . 

Mad that I told my family and a few close friends, only to tell them I wasn't pregnant two days later.

Mad that I had to pay $90 that week just to find out I wasn't pregnant.

Mad that I had to do weeks and weeks of shots and medicine for nothing. 

Mad that Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate that night. 

Mad that I'm not sure when the time is to take a break from this and when to keep going.

and mad that SO many people were praying for me and that I'm still not pregnant. 


Faith isn't perfect, and mine is far from it.

While it was a struggle, I'm still giving glory to God for I know in my heart His plan is best.

I'm thankful for a God that loves us when we're mad and don't understand His plan.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me even though I feel hurt and confused.

I'm thankful for a God that has blessed me with a family that cares and loves me more than I can understand.

I'm thankful for a God that wraps His arms around me while I wait to feel His peace.

I'm thankful for a God that will never leave me and will continue to draw me near, even more when I am sad and broken.  





Pin It!

50 comments:

Courtney Starr said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

So inspiring!

xo, Courtney
girlavantgarde.com

Whitney@Keeping Up with the Cyperts said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This post really broke my heart. I could feel your pain and sadness. And anger. I am sorry that you are going through this but I am so impressed with your faith. Don't ever lose that! I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that you are such a sweet, deserving girl and one day you will have a little family to call your very own! Hang in there cutie pie! : )

Kasey said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

so sorry you are struggling with this. I can understand how you would feel angry and almost even betrayed by God at times, I definitely know that feeling. Just remember, He always has a plan for us, though we don't always understand it, and everything He puts us through is for a reason....everything WILL fall into place for you. Search your heart and do some more heavy praying and give it all time. I wish you all the best, and lots and lots of blessings :)

L said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

so sorry Katie, don't give up hope...I know how hard it is to stay positive...thinking of you and sending you big hugs

Olivia said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Praying for you!! Praying for peace and understanding during this time. Know that His timing is right and perfect. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your husband.

Emmett Katherine said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm so sorry you & Chris are going through this, it's so heartbreaking. Thinking of you guys, please hold onto your hope.

Em

Alana Christine said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm so sorry, dear. I know it's hard to believe it right now, but God does have something great in store for y'all!

Kristin said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am so sorry, Katie. It must be so hard to understand. I cannot imagine the lack of control you must feel.
And I can't pretend to understand at this point in my life. But I am thinking of you, friend!

Amanda said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This just broke my heart :( so sorry for what you're going through.. Still believing that God can do anything! Your perspective & attitude is beautiful and inspiring. Praying for you as God brings you to mind. You are not alone. XO

The Giffords said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am usually a "quiet reader" of blogs and never really comment. I just wanted you to know that I have been in the exact same situation (did fertility treatments, got a positive blood test, and then my levels never doubled like they were supposed to). I have felt exactly the same as you do now. I just wanted to tell you....don't give up. If God has given you the desire to be a Mommy, it will happen and it will be perfect. Hang in there, I know it is so hard.

Simply LKJ said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie, I wish I could provide some comfort, the right words, but none come to me...only you know what you are going through and how YOU feel. But know we are ALL praying for you, praying for comfort, praying you feel God's presence. Letting Go, and Letting God...we all struggle with this. Please know you are not alone!

Head to Toe Chic said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie, this post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through! I can only imagine how hard it must be. You both will definitely be in my prayers.

xo,
Angela

Tara @ MySouthernAccents said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie - Our God is an awesome God and I am so proud to serve him everyday! He has a plan for each and every one of us and will he won't fail you. His path will never take you where his grace won't protect you. Praying for you, my friend.

Breenah said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I just wanna give you some hugs. Thanks for posting this.

xo

Carol Hines said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie, you are one of the strongest women I know. I am so proud of you and how you are dealing with this. God has blessed our family with YOU and we could not love you more.

Rachel @ Making Life Fabulous said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. From experiences my family has gone through, I know how broken-hearted you must feel right now. But you're right, God is sovereign, and He has a wonderful plan for you. And most of all, He loves you more than you could ever imagine!

Betty said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Hi Katie. I'm so so sorry to hear this. While I don't know exactly how you are feeling, I know what it's like to get so excited (all that fun planning), and that to have it taken away with a miscarriage. Please know that it is ok (and good) to have times of anger, grief, and confusion. But also know that God does have a plan for you, and he has great plans for all of us. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

Chrissy + Nate said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie, I am so sorry for the heartache you and Chris are going through. It is definitely okay to be angry and upset, confused and hurt. We serve a mighty God and while we don't understand His plans, His timing, or His purposes, we have confidence in the fact that it is for His good and for our good. I know this is easier said than done, but be strong and courageous, knowing that you are in the hands of our God. I'll be thinking of you this week sweet girl!

Rachel said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh, sweet girl. My heart is just broken for y'all. I can only imagine how hard that is! Sending prayers and love your way--God has perfect timing and it will be WONDERFUL! You are going to be the best mother...just keep praying hard and believing in His WILL!

Lauren Shaw said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh, Katie, I love you so much. I so appreciate your honesty and bravery and vulnerability. Your strength is amazing. I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are experiencing...I wish I could take it away from you. This morning I am praying Psalm 94:18-19 for you, "when I said my foot is slipping, your unfailing love, Oh Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." Praying that you will feel His support and consolation today. I love you.

TheTinyHeart said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope that you'll continue to share your journey with us. Know that in your struggles you're inspiring and helping so many with your words. Continuing to keep you and Chris in my thoughts and prayers.

-Sharon
The Tiny Heart
Win a Mint Green statement necklace!

Abbey said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm so sorry to hear this...but your amazing outlook is so inspiring to others. I don't blame you one bit for being mad. It's such a confusing time as to why? I have been there and know it's a tough spot to be and lots of 'Why' questions filled my thoughts. It's hard to not be consumed by all of it....especially when you want something so bad. Keep staying positive and the fact that you were pregnant...hopefully brings a bit of hope.;)

Jennifer @ Delightfully Noted said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Sending you virtual hugs and hey it's okay to be angry!

still being [molly] said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

katie i am so sorry. i am praying for you and i wish there was something i could say to make it better and i know there isn't. coincidentally, my best friend here in NC is going through THE SAME thing right now and just last week had a chemical pregnancy, too. so i see her pain and hurt first hand and i know how hard it is for her so i can only imagine. know that I love you and am praying for you and that God does indeed have a bigger plan <3

Annie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie I don't think you should ever hesitate to write what you're feeling about this...you should do whatever helps you cope, and if I were in the same position, I think I would do the same. It's unimaginable, what you're going through, but you are such a beautiful and inspiring person and I'm always amazed by you. I truly hope that you will be able to fulfill your dream as a mom, because you would be wonderful.

Annie
The Other Side of Gray

Faith said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I really wish I had the words to comfort you. Sadly, I do not. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

I just want you to know that I continue to pray for you.

Sending you big hugs.

Katie Cook said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

prayers for you today sweet girl:) we'll keep digging in and pressing in for you:) love Katie

~julee~ said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

((hugs))

smk053078 said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Faith is something we all struggle with when things happen that we just don't understand. My heart goes out to you and Chris. No matter what happens, know that God will not leave your side. I am so sorry that you guys have had to go through this time and again. I wish there was something that I could say to make it better and for you to be the mom you have always wanted to be. Please don't give up on yourself, your dreams and the Lord.
Shanna

Bonnie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am sorry to hear about this, but you seem to have a very healthy outlook on everything. We never know how strong we are until we are tested, and, girl, you are superwoman strong right now.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Jessica said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This is a beautiful post Katie. My heart aches for you and what you've been through. God has a plan for you and your husband through all of this. You two are in my thoughts and prayers. God is in control and he has a plan for you.

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh Katie...my heart is breaking for you. That is seriously the hardest thing to go through.

I went through years of infertility, finally got pregnant, and had a miscarriage around 3 months. I was absolutely devastated. In those moments of absolute weakness, I found that my Heavenly Father was really carrying me through it and I realized for a fact that He loves me and knows my pain.

I will say a prayer for you sweet, Katie.

Nicole Cushing said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nicole Cushing said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am a new reader to your blog and I fell in love with your blog the minute I saw it. you have a great balance between life and fashion and faith, and that is what I love to see. When I read this post I was almost in tears. I just want you to know that everything happens for a reason and you will only be stronger from this all. I will keep you in my prayers.

XoXo,

Nicole

http://www.nicole-kelly.com

Always Maylee said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh Katie, my heart is broken for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. It's ok to be mad. I'm thinking of you and sending only positive vibes your way.

xo, Yi-chia
Always Maylee

Cait said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

dont give up girl. thinking of you dear! xo

Lauren said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie I love you. How you keep continually pursuing the Lord is utterly amazing to me. I look up to you in a million different ways and this is just one of the many reasons why I do. Love you, your heart, and strength so much!

Nancy said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I had no idea what a chemical pregnancy meant...
How strong of you to share such a personal story on your blog...
Wishing you the best...

xo,
nancy

http://adoretoadorn.blogspot.com

Jennis said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Thank you for sharing! I know how hard that had to be. Katie I am praying for you! Romans 8:28

Wardrobe Girls said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

hey lady, i'm so sorry you have to go through such a hard trial! i hope that you can feel uplifted and hopeful!

xo,

cate
Wardrobes I Met and Liked

Meg {henninglove} said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

katie thank you for your honesty in this post, the things you write on your blog amaze me. you are honest, you are pure and you are being real with us. despite the situation, you will find all the love God provides in your life, you aren't angry at Him, you continue to worship Him and give Him thanks

Angela K said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Thank you so much for sharing your story; it must have been difficult but we're all better for having heard it. What a tough time for you and your husband. And how amazing that you're able to keep such a sweet perspective, despite the hard moments. It's ok to be mad/frustrated/sad/confused/etc. Those are totally natural feelings, and good for you for not being ashamed to admit you feel them. I think so often we feel we have to "suck it up," "count our blessings," "look on the bright side," etc. Those things are important, but it's also important to acknowledge our feelings so we can process and move forward. You're very inspirational!

Love your blog!

Denise said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Bless you. Hugs, prayers, and love to you.

Suzzie V said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Keep praying and I will add mine to yours. We just started trying too and I am so nervous about it all.

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie - I have so many emotions for you in this post! My heart hurts so much for you in this struggle. How disappointing. I can't even imagine what you guys went through in those 3 days.

And I totally understand you being angry. How could you not be? I actually just did a study on Job with my small group and we learned about how, even though he was still glorifying God just like you are, he was angry. And he questioned God and asked him why. I was so grateful for this study b/c I have been having some very candid "why?" sometimes angry convos with God over the whole boy/relationship issue in my life right now.

Thank you for this post. You are such a special friend and your faith is really inspiring to me and I know so many others.

And...I'm still praying for you and Chris. I just know it will happen for you guys. I have total faith in that. Love you friend! Thanks for sharing this.

Janna Renee said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

There are so many that struggle with this and we all need to see those struggles so that we can relate and be there for each other. We aren't trying for kids {yet}, but last year I was told that in my state {zero hormones for some odd reason}, we could not get pregnant. The levels seem to be back now, but it's a strange situation. Just remember, you have every right to feel ALL of these feelings and emotions, and that we are all here for you! {{HUGS}}

Jessica said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am a little behind on blog reading, and just read this post today. I am so sorry to hear about this. I don't understand why things like this have to happen. I feel mad right along with you. But you seem to have the best attitude possible in a situation like this. Praying for you today...that God would bring healing.

Jenny Strickland said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Hi Katie! I'm Jenny... I just found your blog, through Hello Hue, and I am so glad I did!

So sorry about this! I hate that anyone has to go through this! I feel the same way you do! I found out in June that I was pregnant. Only to find out a few weeks later we lost our precious baby. I was mad! I was mad at my friends who were announcing their pregnancy, I was mad at my doctor, I was mad at myself, I was mad at God... But God showed up in my darkest days! And He continues to show up! Showing me that everything is going to be ok and that He loves me! And at times it is so hard to not be mad, especially today when I learned we had not conceived this month. But I know He loves me!!! And that makes everything ok!

I will be praying for you and your husband!

Shug in Boots {Beth} said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am so, so sorry. {Found you from Bonnie} ... I had an ectopic and surgery and felt like I had almost dreamed everything. You described it perfectly ... you feel weird even celebrating because you are having a hard time believing it's real. Immediately, you plan out when you'll tell, how, etc. Maybe it sounds weird, but what makes me saddest is that I took a picture of the happy look on my husband's face as soon as I told him. I somehow feel like I took that away from him, even though there was obviously nothing I could do about it. You are also right about how it feels weird to share, because you don't want to seem like you're complaining, but it's your blog, and for me, it helped me to process it. I also heard so many others' stories which made me feel less alone. I will keep you in my prayers during this time ... I know it's rough. New follower!

{I blogged about mine under the label ectopic pregnancy if anyone is interested ... I hoped that by writing it'd be a blessing to someone ...}

<3

Manda said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

As you know I very much understand.

You felt broken. The worst broken heart ever.

Here was my post:
http://thisgirlinglasses.blogspot.com/2012/03/thought-for-thursday-miscarriages.html