the hardest so far
I know I've only been a mom for a very short four months, but I think this last month has been the hardest so far. It's been a month where my uncertainty of being a mom and knowing the "right" things to do is the most present it's been. I've allowed anxiety over attempting consistency and scheduling and sleep, all to have it be the complete opposite, take over. And once anxiety is present in one area in my life, it manages to creep it's way into others. I worry more about finances, Chris' job and the future. I become a much more emotional and unpleasant person.
I know I shared a little about our poor sleep lately and my attempt to stop worrying about it and just do what I think is best and not stress about the right way to do things. But I have failed quite miserably. I have spent far too many hours reading baby boards, books and websites about sleep. My conversations with my friends with babies always end up being about sleep and I often leave feeling defeated, wondering what I can do to make things different. I have spent way too much time worrying that Addilyn will never be able to self soothe, and never sleep a good stretch of hours. Or that in a month or so if things aren't different we're going to have to let her cry it out, which while I don't think is a wrong choice, I can't imagine doing it at this point. I worry that because I haven't left her much, I'll never be able to leave her for more than a few hours. Or that because she's not on a set schedule I'd never be able to leave her for the whole day.
I realized the other day that down the line I am going to look back at this time and see that I have wasted weeks or more of Addilyn's baby life worrying that I am doing things wrong. I am missing out on all the wonderful things about this stage, like that I may have the happiest baby in the world. That I have a baby that smiles when you take her picture, blows a hundred bubbles a day and loves spending time with her mama.
I'm tired of worrying about things and comparing my mothering to others. I'm tired of analyzing each day and trying to find a pattern when I'm pretty confident there is not one yet. I'm realizing I'm missing these precious moments with a baby that we waited years for and I don't want to look back at this time and realize I wasted it worrying if I was doing it "right."
So here's to trying harder to stop comparing and give schedules and sleeping time and move forward to days of enjoying my beautiful, happy baby girl.
27 comments:
katie.
we had commented back and forth a little bit when you were first pregnant and this post touched my heart for a number of reasons.
one i struggle with my anxiety and having a baby... well that can make you anxious and worried like no other. last february i wrote to myself on my calendar so i would see it daily
"worrying does not make me a better mom, wife or person. it does not solve my problems or bring joy. it will not prevent future problems from happening. let it go"
that first statement "worrying does not make me a better person" was so impactful to me. i felt like if i worried about stuff i could prevent it from happening or "be prepared" for it when it did happen.
i hope you know you will be able to leave her eventually. i transitioned to being a SAHM too and it was a lot different, being on someone elses schedule, not sending my kid to a sitter everday who had them on a bottle schedule. i felt sometimes like i was doing it wrong. but as a parent of a now toddler (14 months!!!) it goes FAST. those newborn snuggle days are a thing of the past and although she loves when i come home when i leave she is perfectly content to play with daddy. addilyn will forge her own road and make you a better mom and person in the process and a much better one than worrying could ever do!
ps. our daughters share the same name, ours is spelled adelynn. :):)
Listen. I am in the same boat. Being sleep deprived doesn't help. But, the best advice I got was...we all live through it.
Keep in touch. Another new mom.
pinkandnavystripes.com
Worry is such a beast isn't it....but such a good thing that you see it. I wish I could put all your worries to rest because I know, without ever having met you, that you are a fabulous mom...and the best one Addilyn could ever ask for.
One of my favorite quotes is "this too shall pass." it won't last forever! My prayers are with you.
Hi Katie,
I'm a first time mom of a 6 months old baby boy. We also did have the exact same struggles with the sleeping, no routine. It does take time. I did notice a big change at 6 months. As time goes by, a routine seems to be taking place. It is a work in progress and it doesn't take much to break the routine up. I just started to have fun and stopped worrying too much. You will see a difference, hang in there you are doing well. It is hard.
Pascale
First of all, Addilyn is such a doll. So sweet and she looks so happy!
I have a 6 year old daughter now (what??) and she was/is a difficult one for sleep. I honestly believe all babies are different and as she has gotten older, and we have learned more about her personality, lots of what we struggled with when she was little makes more sense now that she can talk and explain things to us. Also, cry it out doesn't necessarily work for all babies, either, in my opinion. She will get there!
You are doing a great job! Every little one and every mama is different - you are the best mom for your daughter!! :) Hang in there!
Katie, I've been feeling the same way lately and to think I actually looked at my husband a month and a half ago and said "this whole baby thing is actually pretty easy"! Then Bryce threw us for a loop with the sleep and everything else and I have had days where I feel like I took ten steps back in my mothering skills. I'm sure every mama has these moments and btw I sent him off to daycare with absolutely no schedule and they survive! I promise!
Hugs. It does go by so fast. As long as you are doing what you feel is right in your heart, that is what matters.
I personally think that questioning yourself, especially where your kids is concerned is a good thing. It just shows how much you love her! But, the comparing...that's the killer. I am so glad that all those boards, books, etc didn't exist in such magnitude when my kids were little. Each kid and mama is so different, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other. If there's one thing I've learned, especially because of O, is that as a mom you have to do what's right for you and your child, no matter what anyone else says or does. I encourage you to pray about it, ask God to reveal to you what is best. I know I wish I would've done more of that when O was little. Of course, I will continue to pray for you, my friend. XO
Even though I'm not a mom, I can completely understand how anxiety can creep in and start to take over. You're doing a great job, and you have the right attitude!
So well said, I think we all, as moms, have been where you are. It gets easier. I promise.
Well said lady! I find myself worrying about what other Moms are doing and wondering if Kendall is on track with other babies and its just silly. A friend of mine told me not to stress about things like that. Take for example rolling over (which Kendall doesn't do all that much of), my friend told me that she doesn't really know any five year olds that can't roll over. She'll figure it out eventually and it won't even matter when she does it. The same goes with sleep or a schedule or anything else. You and Addilyn will figure it out eventually. 4 months is a very short time, don't beat yourself up! And the fact that you have an extremely happy baby even without long stretches of sleep, well that's amazing!! That deserves plenty of praise right there. You are a great Mom, I can see it in every blog post and picture you publish.
One day, they will sleep, and then we won't because we will be up wishing they werent sleeping teenagers! I have 3 sons (4, 2 and 4 months) and each have had a different schedule and approach to sleep. Currently, my poor littlest man can't get on a schedule because I am so busy with the other's schedules. It is tough, but I just keep reminding myself that he will be a well adjusted kid in the long run. Hang in there!
I'm right there with you! My son is 10 months old now and although his sleep is certainly getting better, we've got a long way to go. Down at 6pm, up to eat for 15mins or so at 10pm and 2am, up for the day at 6am. On good days! And those are few and far between! But that's ok because it won't last forever and we WILL get through it! Even on the toughest days, I'm still not comfortable with letting him cry it out but I certainly don't judge anyone who does. It works wonders for some kids but when my son gets upset he gags and throws up so I have a feeling I'd just end up cleaning a lot of sheets haha! Hang in there, someday we'll be laughing :)
Girrrrrlll!!!! I gotta 19 year old baby... Probably did everything wrong... You are WAY ahead of the game... Trust me!!! Whenever these babies have a hard time.... It is either teeth or growing... Both are hard....
Hang in there, my friend. It'll get better. :) I don't know much about babies, but I know that yours is stinkin' cute!
With a lot of things there is no right or wrong ways of being a mum. Some things work for some people and others they don't. You will find your way and what works for you. People can offer advice but it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. I was speaking to a friend the other day. Her first child was a walk in the park. She couldn't understand why people couldn't cope. She then decided to have another child and nothing went the same. She is struggling and surviving in next to no sleep. She now fully understands. I hope you enjoy the time you have. Lack of sleep won't make it easy. If you worry about these things it just shows what a good mum you are!
You are doing a great job Mama! You are the only expert on your baby, and you do know how to give her exactly what she needs. If she is happy, you are doing everything right. Don't let the enemy steal your joy during this time. I totally understand being obsessed about sleep and schedules, but I have learned to just follow my baby's cues. My daughter is 5 months old and I have learned to let her set her own schedule, and sometimes it changes and it has taught me to be more flexible and just enjoy the moment. When she was first born, she wouldn't nap anywhere except on my chest, I just gave in and held my baby for her naps. Now, she won't nap anywhere but her swing, and guess what? I miss holding her while she naps. I'm so happy I did it while I had the chance to. I'm not going to stop napping her in her swing until she's ready to stop. Just do what works for your and your baby, and you'll never regret that.
I am sure you are not alone in worrying. i think so many mothers do. it's not a waste of time, although it may feel like that. she is just so precious. i love that last picture.
I am sure I will be in the same boat in the beginning when I am a mother...worrying if I am doing what is right or what others do.... But from an outsider in...You will be a comparable because you my friend are an amazing mom to have an adorable smiling baby girl. There is never right or wrong in motherhood..I think its more of "what works".
You are definitely in my prayers! Even now I am beginning to feel anxiety and comparing myself to other pregnant ladies, feeling like I'm not doing enough-reading enough, prepared enough, etc. And I know that this will only get worse as a mother, especially since I'm anxiety prone. Remember that you are you, and no one else. And what may work for one mom and baby might not work for you! You are enough!
You are amazing Katie! It is so hard not to compare ourselves and our babies to others' and not get anxious. I was exactly the same (and I think every mother is at some point)! I found the 4th month the hardest too, but then learned that everything always just seems to be a phase so hopefully this one will pass just like the rest. Keep up the great work and those gorgeous pics of your smiley bubba xx
Just take it a day at a time. Trust me, before you know it, this time will seem like a distant memory, and you'll be on to the next challenge! Sleep when you can, accept help, and try to focus on the good stuff! You're doing a great job!
This post could have been written by me. So know what you mean. It's hard to compare and worry. But I totally agree. Gotta live in the now and enjoy!!
I could have (and may have) written a post like this a couple of months ago.
I think we actually discussed this a little. I would read the SAME article or website over and over, days in a row, just because I couldn't believe how little Gabe was sleeping.
I tried Moms On Call. I tried (barely -- I couldn't stand to hear it) letting him cry. I tried so. many. things. and the reality was nothing worked. (SORRY! I wish that weren't true.) He was waking up 2x a night for the longest time...probably months 4-7. Then, when he turned 8 months just 3(ish) weeks ago, boom, now just once. And even that, after having my first sleep through the night at 2.5 months old, blows my mind...that he's just now getting up once a night, still not sleeping straight on through.
All babies are different, and man, the internet can be so overwhelming with information. Please, please don't drive yourself too crazy reading all of that and trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. Chances are, you're doing nothing wrong at all and she will be ready when she's ready. :\
Sorry for the book!
She is gorgeous Katie!
xx
Kelly
Sparkles and Shoes
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