. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Mixed Emotions

November 16, 2014

Mixed Emotions

I remember a lesson I would teach my third graders about mixed feelings.  We'd spend a lot of time at the beginning of the year talking about feelings and the importance of learning how to recognize feelings and be able to vocalize them.  There was one lesson where I spent time explaining how one event can bring a mix of feelings.  

How you could be really excited about something, but also anxious.  The start of the year can be exciting, but also nerve racking to be in a new classroom, with a new teacher.  Christmas can be something you look forward to, but maybe it's the first year without a grandparent around so it makes you sad too.

October 30th is a date that I will always remember.  It's the date we had our embryo transfer and got pregnant with Addilyn.  I shared this picture on instagram and wrote a little about my feelings for that day.  

I've gone through plenty of phases where it's been hard for me that I didn't get to get pregnant the "normal" way. That it involved medicine, shots, doctors, appointments, waiting and waiting and so much praying. But there is something special in that this day two years ago we saw our Addilyn as a tiny tiny dot magnified by 500 and witnessed even more so that God can do miracles. I'm teary eyed this morning as I think about where we were two years ago today. Praying that we'd get to meet this baby nine months later. October 30th will always be a reminder of a God's faithfulness and answered prayers. Extra thankful today for our miracle

The night Chris and I were talking about that date and he asked me if we transferred two embryos that day.  We did, which means only one of our babies made it.  Not that I forgot it, but I was mostly celebrating that day as it brought us our baby.  But it is hard to think about that fact that we had two babies.  To think about what our other baby would've been like.  If we would've had another girl or a boy.  If he or she would've looked like Addilyn.  I really can't imagine my life with twins, but everytime I see pictures of twins on instagram or facebook, I can't help but think about how we should have twins.  

I think about the other three embryos we also lost and how we have four little babies that we didn't get to meet.  

We're quite undecided as if we'd pursue IVF again, as there are so many hard things about it, but I also can't imagine not having any more babies.  Thinking about how we lost four babies in that process makes it so hard to think of doing that again.  

It's weird to have two such opposite feelings about the same event.  I celebrate October 30th as the day we saw Addilyn as a tiny dot that grew into our baby girl.  But I also feel sad thinking about the tiny dots that were our other babies.  

Sometimes I'm afraid that I shouldn't feel sad for those babies.  We have a perfectly beautiful and healthy baby girl.  Some people go through years and years of infertility and never get their baby. Minus my one which ended in an early miscarriage, they probably only lived a few days or a week or two.  I never saw them on an ultrasound or felt them move in my belly, but they were our babies. Our babies that we saw as tiny little dots.  

Life is messy and emotions are conflicting and sometimes the same thing can make you happy and grateful, but also sad.  I remind myself often that God used that experience to change me and grow me and I think He will continue to do so with whatever is in our future. 

Image Map


maria said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

We have an ultrasound picture of our embryo transfer with Micha, it's such a special memento for us! That tiny little dot is now a rambunctious toddler, what a miracle, hey?
But we also had quite a few embryo's that just wouldn't stay put. My thoughts about them are conflicted, on one hand they are and were our little babies, but on the other hand so many people conceive and lose those embryo's without ever even knowing. For me it's the knowledge that those 'eskimo' babies exsisted and didn't make it that makes thinking about them hard and sad sometimes. But we are so thankful and lucky to now have 2 healthy baby boys, one of which, miraculously, was conceived without any medical interference (some days I stil can't beleive it!)
xo, Maria

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Ugh this post hits home for me big time and made me tear up a bit! As we approach thoughts on baby #2, we pray it will go smoothly like it did with conception with Noah and hope to avoid IVF, after doing it 3x and losing twins and a single pregnancy. It is hard to sign back up for it all. Hopefully clomid will be our answer this next time around! I am amazed everyday with having Noah in my life and soo entirely grateful. Hopefully you can come to peace with whatever decision you come to make!! Best of luck!!

Liz said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

God is a miracle maker! Love you & your vulnerability with sharing all of this! God is using your story in a huge way!!

J and A said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

It's such a hard decision. Thinking of you always and those sweet babes you lost. Makes you appreciate A so much right?!

two birds said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I think it's totally normal to feel loss and sadness for those babies. And at the same time, feel so much love for Addi.