. . . for Lauren and Lauren: drawing nearer

January 11, 2018

drawing nearer

It's been quite awhile since I've written any kind of personal blog post, and I miss processing my thoughts this way and miss sharing my heart.  And to be honest it's not because I didn't want to anymore, but more so felt like I didn't have anything worthy to write and to share.  But this last month I have had a lot that I've been processing and learning and figure it'd be good for me to write it out and share.  So here it goes . . . . 

The last year or so I've felt pretty spiritually dry and even though I'd read my Bible and pray, was missing a deeper connection with God.  We've switched churches in the last year, and I know part of it was missing deeper relationships in a community but a lot had to do with a passion for the Lord that wasn't as present.  About a month ago during worship at church I asked the Lord to give me a greater desire to follow Him.  I told Him that I am ready for a change and that I needed to feel pursued by Him.  

At church the next week two people came up to me at different times and told me that God placed me on their hearts and wanted me to know that I was welcomed and wanted and seen.  I can't explain how that spoke to my heart and I know it was no coincidence to my prayer the week before.  

That next week my kids were both sick, we were stuck at home all week, my car had to be towed, we had gone almost two months without having a renter in our house with no prospects, Chris fell really hard outside and had to go the ER, where he thankfully just had a bad concussion, but it really scared me.  For about a month I had been experiencing chest pain on and off, and that same weekend it become continuous and wouldn't go away.  It felt like a bunch of things were piling up as they often do at once, and I felt overwhelmed and anxious. 

My mom has had heart issues in the past, needing open heart surgery, so of course there was a fear that something with my heart was wrong.  I went to the doctor the next day and had an EKG done, which looked normal and the doctor believed I had built up acid reflux. as a lot of my symptoms matched that.  I was put on medicine, which four days later there was no change so I changed medicine again, and then again.  The pain decreased some but was still quite present.  I couldn't shake the feeling that something else was wrong and really struggled to not be terribly anxious.  

While I have never experienced a panic attack before, I am pretty sure one evening that was the case, as I started to feel pain up my back and in my neck and even more pressure in my chest.  I was out running an errand by myself and just started crying in the car.  I prayed out loud to God that I know He sees me and is using these things to draw me closer to Him and that I needed Him.  

I know there is zero coincidence that all this happened so soon after I prayed that God would show Himself to me.  I know very well that God uses stress, fears, hard times to draw us closer to Him, and ultimately can use all these experiences for His glory.  

Since then I have felt God's presence so much greater than even a month ago.  I've been spending time praying, reading my Bible and asking God to take away my fears and anxieties. I've reached out and asked people for prayer and have felt comforted in people praying for me and checking in on me. I'm still having chest pain and I do not know the cause.  I am seeing a cardiologist next week and feel anxious for answers.  It easily could be nothing, could be acid reflux unsolved, or it's probably unlikely but it could be something more serious.  

I have felt really tender this last month.  I've felt pursued by God, I've felt anxious and scared, I've felt thankful for the truth and love spoken to me, and I've felt excited because I know that God is working in me.  I'm resting in the truth that I serve a God who takes care me, who loves me and who chases after me.  
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