I am learning quickly that it is time I stop counting on things going a certain way in terms of motherhood. I was so happy that we started getting into some kind of bedtime routine with Addilyn. Stories, praying, swaddling, nursing and bed. It worked pretty great for about a week and half and I started counting on having an hour or so before I went to bed.
While I'm happy we started a routine I think it's set me up for disappointment when this last week three nights in a row Addilyn had no desire to go to bed until after 9:30.
Tuesday nights are normally small group nights but I stayed home while Chris went. I was greatly looking forward to putting Addilyn to bed and having an hour or two of alone time, which is something that I thoroughly enjoy but have had pretty much zero of since Addilyn's been born. I had made cookies earlier in the day and had this great plan of putting her to bed, eating cookies and catching up on blogs/emails while watching tv. Sounds super exciting right? Well it sounded absolutely wonderful to me.
Clearly Addilyn had a much different plan. Long, exhausting story short, it was a couple hours of almost asleep to wide awake on repeat about two million times. Rationalizing with a ten week old does not work. But believe me I tried.
And I cried and was really frustrated that my plan for the evening went the complete opposite. By ten o'clock when she was finally asleep I was exhausted and stayed up to shove two cookies in my mouth before I went right to bed. Only to get in bed and stare at my baby and her flailing arms as if she was a ticking time bomb ready to explode and need me at any second. I won't go into the all to exciting details but thanks to my sister's analogy, it was like trying to put a restless kangaroo to sleep all night long.
So welcome to putting my baby's needs and plans ahead of mine. Welcome to giving up my "plans" and attempting but failing at going with the flow. Welcome to sacrificing alone time and routines for the time being.
My sister sent me this video back in March and I watched it and got all teary eyed thinking about becoming a mom. I saved it and am so glad I did, although this time it produced not just teary eyes but a full streams of tears.
Lately I have been overcome with so many emotions as our due date gets closer. I am beyond excited to meet our baby girl and can't even wait to hold her and start our life as a family of three.
But I am also scared. Scared of labor, of her being born healthy. Scared of not knowing what we are doing and the responsibility of taking care of this tiny baby. Scared that I already love her so much and I haven't even met her. It scares me to think of how much more I'll love her when she's here, which makes me scared to think of anything ever happening to her.
This video was such a great reminder that I am far from alone. A reminder to just breathe and take it day by day. A reminder that it's okay to be scared and to not know what to expect. I also remind myself that God loves our baby girl more than I do and is always in control.
