The in between

Lately I've felt like I'm in a stage of limbo.  Which is uncomfortable for me.    I'm sure I'll write more later but we are in the stage of moving.  Possibly.  It all depends on if we can rent our house.  We weren't really looking for a house, but a house came up down the road and it really feels like it could be our dream house.  But we have to have renters.  So our offer is accepted and we're just waiting to find someone to live here.  We keep saying we'll be fine if we don't get the house, but as the days go by I want to live there more and more.  But even more so I just want to know.  Will we be moving or not?  Do I start packing?  Am I wasting ridiculous time on pinterest and dreaming of decorating a new house?  (I'm sure the answer to that is yes either way.) 
Isaac still coughs daily, and some days quite often.  We have an appointment with a lung specialist but can't get in until the end of August.  I am having a hard time waiting and just want to know what the doctor will say.  
Addi starts preschool in a month and I feel really nervous about it.  I just wish it was here as I feel like it will be a rough transition for her and I feel anxious.  I hope I'm wrong and that's it's easier than I think, but I feel like it's going to take time and will be challenging for awhile.  
I've written about it before but Isaac's sleep sucks, yet I know he feels too little to me to do much about it.  I struggle between the he's only little for so long, and the fact that he really doesn't need to be up six times or be held the entire night.  I hate the phrase "sleep training" but got to that point eventually with Addilyn and feel like I will with him too, but have a hard time not dreading that. Yet so anxious for some sleep. 
I keep wondering when I will have time again for me.  Time to work out regularly, or do a craft. When will I be able to wake up before the kids and have a quiet time?  I know some day more of a schedule and routine will come, but it certainly isn't today.  
I've only left Isaac three times for bedtime.  And it's never gone well.  Chris is totally fine dealing with it, but it often feels like more work than it is to be out.  I know we just need to keep practicing and honestly bedtime with me here is hard lately too.  I know it is just a season but it's hard to not feel like I can't leave easily or be gone long.  So soon I know this stage will over and I think it's good to recognize that it is hard and tiring, but that it surely won't last forever.  However, the waiting is hard for me.  
I suck at living in the in between.  Taking things for what the are.  Waiting for answers, waiting for the next thing.  I think I forget that there is always going to be new tough things to replace these tough things, and everything is just a season.  
So for now, I'm working on finding beauty in the waiting.  In the refining of my character, in the trusting in God that I'm in the right place.  I'm working on being patient and just being.  Finding victories in the in between and being satisfied with today.  

A whole lot of this lately . . . . .

I know this is nothing new and you've probably heard it over and over.  But I know sometimes you have to hear things at the right moment or for the tenth time before it's taken to heart.  And for me, I often have to learn the same lesson over and over during different seasons.  
I texted Chris this morning, after I had been crying because I couldn't get Isaac down for a nap.  A nap I knew would only last thirty minutes tops, and at that point even if he fell asleep I'd have to wake him for Addi's gymnastics class.  Addi was crabby and I was tired from being up a lot and by Friday morning I feel pretty spent these days.   I told him I felt like I'll never catch up on feeling tired. That I felt so tired and there was no end in site of a "break" of not being touched or totally on.  
I often have to fight feeling anxious and remind myself that this stage is hard and exhausting, but won't last forever.  Sometimes I panic thinking of all the sleep struggles we went through with Addilyn. What if he is up this often for a year and a half or what if he won't sleep unless we let him cry and how can I handle that again?  
I think about years from now when they can put themselves to bed or stay up later reading on their own.  Or spend the weekend at their grandparents.  Then I think about when they are both in elementary school or even older and I can barely handle the thought.   This time is so bittersweet. I look forward to years ahead for some reasons, yet don't want them to get bigger because I know I'll never have this stage back and there is so much sweetness amidst the exhaustion and neediness. 
Yesterday I got pooped on.  The other day I held a sleeping baby while wiping Addilyn's butt.  I've cleaned up paint spilled on the counter and changed my shirt countless times because of spit up.  I've said "do you have to pee?" a million times just in one day.  There's no doubt motherhood is justifiably tiring and gross at this stage.  But I've been going to bed every night this week spending the minutes before I fall asleep (for fingers crossed at least two hours) thinking how lucky I am to have two beautiful babies.  
Some days feel long and the days of personal space and freedom feel far away but gosh I am so so thankful.  And while I know it's okay to feel overwhelmed and tired, I never want to forget that this stage is short and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.     

Do not worry

Matthew 6:25
There's a lot of ways that this pregnancy has been redeeming for me, after Addilyn's pregnancy.  We went through so much to get pregnant with Addilyn, as well as complications at the beginning.  While this pregnancy has been physically harder, emotionally it has been so much easier.  I worried just about the entirety of my pregnancy with Addilyn.  I kept thinking once I got to the next milestone I would feel better, but then there was always another one or thing I worried about.  This time around I've been able to not worry nearly as much and have felt more at ease.  I feel like at the beginning I felt anxious about having a miscarriage and know I felt lots of nerves before my 20 week appointment, anxious to hear that everything looked good and healthy.  But otherwise I've been able to not stress about every ache and pain, and have done a better job giving those fears over to God. 
But as the end is creeping near, I'm finding it more of a struggle.  I've read handful of stories or people losing babies near the end, or having them born with serious symptoms that did not know about.  The only ultrasound we've had was at 20 weeks and sometimes it's hard for my mind not to worry that there is a health concern we missed or something else that developed.  
I've started getting anxious about labor and delivery and recovery.  I've been worrying about how Addilyn will do the days I'm in the hospital, as the most I've been away from her has been one night. I have had many evenings or moments during the day where I think how will I do this with a baby around here.  Either with Addilyn fighting bedtime or her being really needy.  
This verse is so simple.  Do not worry.  But a struggle for me to do consistently.  So I'm back to the point of waking up surrendering my fears to God and letting him take them on.  Trusting him with both my babies and the transition that is before us.  

How I really feel about pregnancy

There's been a few times my sister has told me that her friends have made comments to her about how much I must love being pregnant and always look happy, and effortless.  (They live in Vermont so this is solely based on social media.)  Those girls are super sweet and very wrong.  Everyone knows that social media is just a glimpse and I don't think anyone is surprised to find out there are many not so pretty moments that don't get shared.  Like an hour after I had this conversation with my sister I was standing over the toilet in the bathroom, half dressed, dry heaving with my nose pouring out blood.  Pretty miserable and extremely unglamorous.  
I like to think that I do a decent job on my blog sharing not just nice moments but the hard moments as well, but when it comes to pregnancy I struggle with this area.  After going through our struggles to get pregnant and knowing how hard it was for me to see others talk about being pregnant, especially in a negative light, I put a lot of thought into what I write when it comes to this area.  
I don't shy away from sharing belly updates or outfits or letters to our future baby, because I want to be able to document this part of his life and know that even though others are struggling, this baby is celebrated and I get to do that, and should so without feeling bad.  
But I struggle to know the balance of sharing the hard things about being pregnant or even being a mom, and sharing how grateful I am that I get these blessings.  I remember when I was longing to be a mom reading someone's post complaining about morning sickness or how they couldn't eat certain things and feeling so envious and almost mad.  How much I would love to take on those symptoms if it meant I could have a baby.  I don't want to ever come across as ungrateful, even though this has been a harder pregnancy for me.  
But I also want to be real.  And if I'm being honest I do not enjoy being pregnant this time around.  I feel like I have tons of symptoms I didn't have with Addilyn and overall feel uncomfortable and not like myself the majority of the time.  I feel overly ready to not be pregnant any more.  I have constant nose bleeds, acid reflux, heartburn, terribly unpleasant things going on down there that make walking, peeing and sitting uncomfortable.  I've gained more weight than I did with Addilyn, and I have a hard time loving my pregnant body.    But none of those things make me wish I wasn't pregnant.  All of those symptoms are worth this sweet baby boy and I am so so grateful that I get to carry this baby and that God's answered our prayers for another child.  
So in an effort to keep it real on here, being pregnant is at the top of my list of biggest blessings I've been given and I am so so thankful.  But it is also one of the harder things I've done and I am ready for this baby to be here. 

Addi Says What

Everybody lime up!!  (She says this often and I can't bring myself to tell her it is line.)
Addi what's your Christmas wish? "It's allllll about mama!!!!"
I love you mama. And I love Lena and I love Travis.   "What about Annie?" No.  Babies are not my love.  Grown ups are my love.  I'm not good at loving babies.  Just grown ups. 
We went to see Santa and she asked him for a baby doll.  On the way home she said so disappointedly, "but he didn't give me a baby doll!!!"
Randomly in the car "I have a tiny head.  A really tiny head."
She sat on Chris' lap and said, "daddy.  I'm sitting on your privacy."
We were playing on the bed and I pushed Addi over like we had been doing the last five minutes and she stopped and look appalled and said "Don't push people.  People do not like to be pushed."

You know what? I'm going to name my baby brother Addi when he grows up to be a big girl!
We were trying to tell Addi which hand was her left and which was her right and we asked her to raise her right hand and she said, "I've got nothing for you guys."
Addi and I were playing with these flash cards and she said "Okay listen up.  These are the rules. You pick them up and then throw them down."  So I picked some up and threw then down and she said, "No, no no.  These are very special to my life."  

10 more to go!

10 more weeks to go!  That sounds both incredibly close and really far away.  To think of 10 weeks left to feel ready for a baby, to cherish the time as a family of three and to enjoy the routine and predictability of our life right now does not sound like enough.  But to think of 10 more weeks of being pregnant, my belly stretching and waiting to meet our sweet baby boy sounds like a lot!  
After Thanksgiving I felt really crampy and achy, which made me really anxious.  I think it was a combination of not drinking enough water and just moving a lot more from one thing to the next.  I was a little anxious for the same thing to happen around Christmas, but I made sure to drink a ton of water, and we actually had a more lower key Christmas than normal and were home more than planned which was really nice.  It's crazy to think that next year we'll have a nine month old at Christmas!  
I'm feeling very pregnant.  It's hard to put on my boots or pick things up, or turn over in bed.  I get a little nervous thinking about nine more weeks of a growing belly!  Some nights I sleep pretty decently, meaning I only get up to pee once or twice and fall asleep relatively fast.  Others it takes me forever to fall asleep and I'm up six or more times.  
I debated writing this because well, it's disturbing and personal.  But I can't pretend it isn't happening. I won't go into detail but if you're interested read this and think about a bad case of it.  Or don't.  That is what is going on and it's terribly uncomfortable and disgusting.  And the only remedy is ice often and keep my feet up.  So if you come to my house and Addi grabs you an ice pack and puts in by your crotch don't be offended. That's a normal scene around here.  
I know I have time but I'm starting to get anxious about the logistics of labor.  When it will be, what it will look like, what my recovery will be like.  I'm just trying hard to not think too much about it because I know I can't control any of it.  I am a little more anxious as I worry about Addi, how she'll do while we're gone and what that will look like depending on the time of day when it happens.  I'm feeling much more emotional lately and lots of things can make me cry.  Happy tears, anxious tears, tired tears.  They're all over the place!  
I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality that a newborn will be here in ten weeks. I can't wait to meet him and see what he looks like, and hold and snuggle him.  It still amazes me that I'm pregnant and that we will be a family of four soon! 

Joy in the Messy Moments

Last Thursday was a bad day.  Addi woke up with a fever, bad cough and runny nose.  We had to cancel our morning plans with a friend and she was definitely not herself.  I did not mind the snuggles and extra tv watching and we had a decent morning considering.  But after a bad coughing fit ruined her nap, the rest of the afternoon was a mess.  She was so crabby and clearly not feeling well.  My sister's whole family made trips to the doctor that day and were all positive for strep. With plans this weekend, I decided to take Addi.  Her doctor didn't have openings so we went to a Walgreens clinic.  I naively assumed we wouldn't have to wait long, so when the lady told me it would be an hour and a half I started crying.  Both Addi and I were in sweats/pajamas, no make up, not showered and I just stood there crying.  I said we'd be back, although I felt embarrassed to return. Addi was super fussy and cried most of the car ride, there and back and there again.  
Thankfully she pulled it together for the most part when we saw the doctor, minus the throat swabbing part.  She did test positive, which I was almost relieved after two hours of waiting.  Then the medicine wasn't ready and it took forever to get home.  We got home and gave her medicine, only to have her cough so much she threw up ten minutes later.  Bedtime took awhile and then she woke up two hours later coughing and threw up again.  
Let's just say I was a crabby, tired, emotional mess.  Chris and I took turns sitting with her in her rocking chair, singing, talking, trying to get her to relax and go to sleep.  She asked me if she could say hi to her baby brother, lifted up my shirt and put her arms around my belly, resting her head on me.  She does this quite often but just laid there for awhile while I sang.  It was just so sweet.  Here I was rocking my toddler, who's hugging my baby boy.  
Motherhood is so not easy.  It's tiring, and messy.  (Did I mention that I stepped in her throw up the second time?).  But I am learning that there are these little pieces of joy in those hard moments.  The day sucked and I was so ready to be in bed and be done for the day.  But that is not motherhood. Motherhood is rocking a sick baby to sleep, cleaning up throw up and getting little sleep.  And I wanted for this for a long time and felt thankful in that moment that this was my job.  To take care of my babies.  Good days and bad days.  Any hour of the day.  
It may just be ten minutes in the string of a long 24 hours, but it was ten minutes that made me so thankful for my baby girl.  Thankful for my job as a mama and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  
I should add that during this moment, I was sure that Addilyn was asleep and that I'd cherish this sweet moment of rocking my sick girl to sleep, then laying her in her crib.  To which she popped up and loudly said laughing, "You stepped in my throw up?!"  
Thank God for those funny moments too.  

Putting on your brave face

Being a mom is hard.  Which I know is nothing knew to anyone.  But I'm realizing as Addilyn gets older, there are more and more decisions to make where I have to decide what is best for Addilyn and what is best for me.  In terms of discipline, childcare, when to push certain things, when to let go and everything in between.  And there is no black and white answers, which is hard for me.    
Last week I went to MOPS for the first time.  I had wanted to go last year but with our struggles with Addilyn in our church nursery and that it was right during her nap time, I didn't even try.  This year, I wanted to try.  And to be honest it didn't go great.  It could have been a lot of worse, but I didn't leave feeling super successful.  I had a nice time and enjoyed the conversations I had, and I see the potential in learning and new relationships, but I did not have a great experience with the childcare.  
When I went to drop Addilyn off there were probably 15 other two years old in there and at least 7 of them were crying and screaming.  I went in with Addi and I could tell she was overwhelmed.  Heck, I was overwhelmed.  There were only two adults and they didn't come across as super comforting and told me it'd be better if I just dropped her off and left right away.  But that's not better for me, and I don't think better for Addi.  So I stayed for about 15 minutes.  She would play but then run back to me and hug me and tell me not to go.  I seriously wanted to cry. It wasn't in a whiny way or defiant way, but a sad, pathetic "I need you mama."  And trust me.  I know two year olds are dramatic, but it was still sad.  I know this isn't a huge deal, but it's a new place, all new people and it's a big deal.  
I told her that she can be brave.  That mama will always come back and that it will be good for both of us.  She gave me a hug and was teary eyed and I left.  I honestly don't even know if the adults there would have known if she was crying because it was so loud in there and so many tears.  It felt chaotic and I worried about her lack of attention, and while I know she would survive, I felt sad.   I realize that this isn't close to the end of the world, and there are so many other harder things, but it was hard for me.  I often just want to protect her and have her never be sad, which I realize is ridiculous and impossible. 
When I picked her up, she wasn't crying but standing at the door.  I asked her how it went and she said "I cried a lot, a lot for you mama."  Which I don't think is true, but I still felt sad.  I told her how proud of her I was and that sometimes we have to do things that are new and brave.  We'll give it another try and I'm praying she does okay.  This is one of many smaller situations where I get to decide if it's something that's worth it for both of us, and then to just be confident in my decision and either stick with it or just let it go.  I know it will be good for me and probably good for her too, but I sure wish it was easier! 

26 months and my favorite age so far

There are so many things that are so different in each stage of Addilyn's life so far, which makes it hard to compare.  There have been things I've loved about each of them, but I think we are currently in my favorite stage.  While we are not free from some fits, time outs and lots of learning how to handle our emotions, it's been filled with way more enjoyable things than difficult.  
Addilyn is so vocal, funny, affectionate, a little more independent, and overall pleasant to be around.  She's still clinging and needy, and I know come March that will have to change, but for now we manage it fine. We are currently in a good phase of sleep and naps, which I fully appreciate as I know things change quickly, but I love our current schedule.  She goes to bed around 7:30, wakes up between 6 and 6:30 and takes a two to two and half hour nap around 12.  No complaining here! 
She'll sit on my lap in the mornings and after her nap and watch tv for awhile.  Which these days is Daniel Tiger every single time.  We run errands together, and while she doesn't sit still in the cart, she'll usually do a decent job staying close to me, and while it's tiring, we have more successful trips than not.  We've started Bible Study and MOPs, and have only gone to one of each.  Bible Study went great, MOPs not so much, but we've made such huge progress with her in childcare that it's been nice to have a little reprieve from anxiety in that area and I'm hoping it continues to improve and is good for both of us this year. 
She's obsessed with brushing her teeth and will stand at the sick using water and toothpaste for twenty minutes if I let her.  She has become a better eater and would eat shredded wheat for every meal if we let her.  Although I'm sure candy would still win at her favorite food.  She can be quite dramatic with her words and often says things "Mama, I need you forever and ever!" or "My lamby is lost forever!"  
She can tell you that "A-d-d-i" spells Addi and when you ask her what road she lives on she'll say "Dowell Road" with the cutest little puckered lips when she says road.  She thinks any candle is for celebrating her birthday and loves retelling what she did during the day.  Talking with her hands, and listing off things she did (or didn't do).  
Here's a few funny things she's said lately:
We were about to go down to the basement and she closed the gate so Molly couldn't come in and said "No Molly you stay up here.  I need my space!" 
At dinner the other night she said "Can I have a sip of your water Katie?"  Then looked kind of shocked that she called me Katie and started laughing saying "I just called your Katie?!" 
I was telling Addi about how she gets to go to a new class tomorrow (MOPs) and she said "um . . . I'll just go in a few weeks instead." 
Chris said I love you to Addi and she said "No.  I love mama."  I said "remember you can love a lot of people," and she said "Oh yeah! I love Lena and Aunt Lauren and Grandpa too!" 
Her and Chris were coming home from picking up Subway and he said we're bringing mama a sandwich and she said "yeah, she's a nice mama." 
I know things change so fast with toddlers, and motherhood in general.  Which is a good reminder that when things are hard, they can change so quickly.  And then when things are good, you should appreciate the moments and be grateful.  So right now I am feeling grateful for this phase! 

Addilyn Jane I think you are just the best! Thank you for being sweet, and funny and for taking good naps! :)  You make me so happy, and I am thankful I get to spend my days with you and am going to cherish the next many months of time with just the two of us! 

God's got your babies

I wrote this post quite awhile ago.  Soon after we found out we were pregnant.  This time around I've been far less anxious than I was when I was pregnant with Addilyn.  Yet my worries and anxieties still creep in here and there, especially at the beginning.    
We took a pregnancy test while we were on vacation in Florida, and again the day we got home.  The line still seemed pretty faint and I was nervous I wasn't really pregnant.  With Addilyn I was on a lot of hormones before and after we found out we were pregnant to regulate things.  I knew this was a totally different situation, as we didn't do fertility treatments, so clearly my hormones could be completely fine.  But I was nervous and anxious to get them checked and see if I needed any extra medicine, so I went in right away for blood work.  
The next day I got a call with my numbers.  My progesterone and hgc levels were good and they told me I could come back in a few days if I wanted to, but that things looked good.  I said I didn't need to come back and I'd wait for my 7 week appointment.  But then I got home and a few hours later starting thinking about how my numbers were the same as when I was pregnant the time before Addilyn, only to find out two days later my numbers barely grew so we knew we'd loose the baby.  I had this overwhelming feeling of the same thing happening.  I immediately started crying.  Hard.  I'm not one to get on my knees to pray.  I don't know why, but I don't know when I've done it.  But I got on my knees and prayed for God to protect this baby.  To take away my anxieties and to thank Him for giving us this miracle.  To thank him for loving my baby even more than I do.  
I know I've said this before, but the miracle of the situation hasn't worn off.  Forever we had said that when Addilyn turned two we would either meet with our fertility doctor to talk about our options, or start the process of adoption.  Here we were two weeks before Addilyn's birthday and I find out I'm pregnant.  It's like God is saying, "Katie, I've got this.  I knew before Addilyn was even born that today you'd find out you are pregnant.  I've got this baby and I couldn't love him/her more."

Of course there are so many emotions that come with this, one being scared of all the what ifs.  I feel nervous for my 20 week ultrasound, and nervous that our baby won't be healthy. But I feel so much peace that God has this under control.  That God loves every one of my babies more than I can imagine.  The babies that I didn't get to meet before we had Addilyn.  The baby that is in my belly right now, the babies we may have in the future.  He knows the day I will hold those sweet babies too.  And He's got them all.   

Feeling stuck . . . .

I feel like I've been in a rut lately.  It's definitely been spurred on by feeling ridiculously sick this pregnancy, but it has become more than that.  Physical changes thanks to the first trimester of pregnancy have left me feeling nothing like myself.  My lack of energy to work out and feel strong and confident have been nonexistent.  My daily routine of waking up before Addilyn, drinking a cup of coffee and having a quiet time had become lost.  Addilyn's nap times are usually filled with me sleeping or laying in bed watching tv.  And part of that is okay.  I know it's a season and I know I can only do what I can do.  But it's hard not to feel lost.  To not feel like myself or that I have control of my body. 
Completely apart from being pregnant I've struggled with contentment the last few months.  Four of my close friends have bought and moved into new houses recently.  Beautiful houses, and thanks to us buying our house at the worst time ever 8 years ago, are far less expensive than ours.  I know there is so much stress in moving but I've envied them.  I've been jealous of them picking out new paint colors, furniture and getting to decorate a new house.  I've come home and looked at my "little" house with disappointment.  I'm embarrassed to even admit that as I know we are beyond lucky for what we have, and if only everyone could live in a house that has everything they need.  I have no room to complain.    My heart has felt disconnected from the Lord.  I've been praying a lot, but my time in the word and my energy working on my heart has not been there.  I've filled any quiet moment with tv or my phone. Or sleep.  I've felt too tired to do anything productive.  And while I think there's lots of grace in this stage or pregnancy, in motherhood in general, I'm ready for a new season.  
I love the change to Fall.  A fresh start.  New goals, a new routine.  I'm ready.  Today I spent all of Addilyn's nap time sitting on the couch, worship music on.  I read my bible, wrote in my journal and then read a book.  And my heart feels so much more fulfilled.  I could spend hours watching tv.  I love tv.  I want to be a Braverman and can't stop watching Parenthood.  I think there is room for that. But it's doing nothing for my heart.  And I need a better balance.  
I want to do things with my time that fill my soul.  I don't want to miss out on what God may be trying to teach me during this season.  I want to work harder to get to know him and become the woman he's creating me to be.  I want to stop caring about materialistic things.  How I look, what my house looks like, how "together" it appears or does not appear that I have things.   So here's to giving myself grace in these areas, doing the best I can, and letting the rest go.  

One of those days

This just about represented the mood in the Vale house yesterday from both Addilyn and I.  It's felt like a long seven days over here as we've been without Chris for all but a few hours on Saturday.  He left our family vacation early and we overlapped an afternoon at home and then he left for a work trip.  Thankfully he got back late last night, and we did well for the most part until yesterday.  Addi didn't sleep great the night before, woke up early, super crabby and had a bug bit on her eye that made her look like this: 

Perhaps adding to her crabbiness, although I'm leaning towards more just a two year old bipolar toddler day.  But man, I had a hard time pulling it together.  I was ready to call quits for the day by 9:00.  I can't really think of a point to this post, other than saying when the day was said and done it made me thankful for these things:

1. That Chris doesn't travel a lot and that when he is home he is a great dad and does a lot to help take care of Addilyn.

2. That I have family close by to come over, as they did a few of the days and play with Addilyn to give me a little break.

3.  That hard days end and a new day starts.  A good reminder that days that seem daunting have to end.

4.  That I'm not a single mom or a mom that has a husband that is gone often.  Those woman are amazing and I have tons of respect and admiration for them!

5.  That it is almost the weekend and Chris will be home the whole time!

Hope you all had a good week and are ready for the weekend too!

Missing my old purpose

The other day I was pulling into the dentist (the first problem) and there was a lady walking out of an office building across the street.  In a cute skirt and heels and looking beautiful, and accomplished.  I was pulling up wearing a t-shirt and jean shorts, after spending my morning playing with Addilyn at a friends, putting her down for a nap and bringing the five year old I babysit with me to the dentist, while my mother in law watched Addilyn.  I felt nervous, frazzled, ugly and so not accomplished.  It made me miss dressing up.  Putting on nice clothes, getting to work, feeling purposeful in a career.    A few months ago, my close friend that was on my third grade team got to downtown for a three day conference, learning about a new math method, then got to come back to school to present it.  She did so well that they want her to work with some other schools and present at another conference.  Not that I would be close to as knowledgeable in this subject, but we used to do a lot of planning, creating and teaching together.  If I was still at school I would have been the one that went to the conference with her.  It made me miss teaching.  Miss the opportunity to impress people, to feel proud of an idea, and to make a difference in a ton of kids' lives.  
The same week when I was tutoring one of my students I asked her if she was sad that school was over or happy for summer.  She said both, and that she was only said about leaving "Mrs. Rempert."  Again, I felt sad.  I used to have students that said that.  And as time goes on, the majority of the students do not know who Mrs. Vale is.  
Later that week my timehop picture was of me and six students that moved up with me when I went from teaching second to third grade.  Six of my favorite students ever.  When I think about my first few years of teaching, it was so much of who I was.  I loved teaching so much.  Of course there's parts that weren't great, but it was what I was meant to do and I loved it.  
About 85% of the time I feel really confident and content with my role as a stay at home mom.  I know that God has made me to be Addilyn's mom and that even though I have no idea what I'm doing many of the times, that I'm a good mom.  I feel so grateful that I am able to stay home with my daughter and don't take it for granted, when I know so many people would love to be able to do the same.
But I think I'm surprised that I still have feelings like this.  When school started back up last year, I went through a phase where I had some second thoughts about staying home.  I felt like I missed the beginning of the year excitement, felt like maybe I should have tried to find a part time teaching job and wished that would have worked out at my school.  Seeing back to school stuff and pictures of teachers setting up their classrooms, brings back some of those same feelings again.  
The older I get and more experiences have it's clear that I struggle with change.  With leaving something behind and accepting that things are different.  I struggle with this in terms of blogging.  I miss when blogging was filled with deeper connections, more validation, more success.  I struggle just accepting that it's just different now and that's fine.  I struggle with change in relationships, circumstances, anything.  I think that I expect to feel completed confident and satisfied in my "new" role by now, and I don't.  I think that I need to start accepting that I'm probably always going to have a part of me that misses teaching because it was such a big part of who I am.  And there's a good chance it will be again.  But I'm reminded over and over that this is where God wants me right now and I sure am thankful for that.  

Pick and Choose

You get to pick what advice you take from others.  There is so much advice.  And a lot of it with good intentions.  But you get to pick what advice you take to heart and what advice you let roll off your shoulders.   
You get to pick what battles you fight with your toddler.  Right now getting rid of Addilyn's pacifier isn't on my list.  I try to limit it to the car and naps and right after she wakes up, but if she gets hurt or is super whiny and asks for it I don't say no. 
You get to pick if you are going to dwell on the bad starts to days, the rough moments during the week or if you are going to let them go and start over.  Even if you start over five times before lunch time.  
You get to pick what the most important things are to teach your kids. I want Addilyn to know that it's not okay to hit her friends, to treat people kind and gently and am going to tell her that every time she does something different.  I want her to know that it's important to listen and obey and probably say those words 50 times a day.  I want her to know that God made her and loves her and wants us to obey Him and love him and others.  
I wanted Addilyn to be okay in the church nursery even though it took months and lots of tears. But I gave up after a few bad times at the Y daycare, because that didn't matter as much and I didn't feel up for either of us fighting that battle more than once a week.  I could fully do a better job with what foods I give her and make, and while I can't make her eat things, I could try harder to offer her healthier food.  I could try harder to get her to play independently, probably carry her around too much and cater to her more than I should. But pick and choose, right? And I realize everyone is picking and choosing too, and that it's not always going to be the same as my choices.  To someone else serving only organic food may super important and I have no room to be judgmental or question my own processed food serving ways.  
So here's to the continually reminder that I need to parent along side of my friends and those I see on social media and not against.  And to remember that we are all doing the best we can and the best thing for ourselves and our babies.  

Not impressed

These pictures make me laugh.  Last weekend we went to the zoo and I thought Addi would absolutely love it.  But she honestly kind of acted like she could have cared less.  About just about all of it.  This was her face the majority of the time on the carousal ride.  Like "no thanks mom.  Not impressed."  She was seriously more entertained with the geese, than anything else in the zoo.  I pictured having some super cute pictures of her waving on the carousal or oohing and ahhing at the animals.  Not hot, sweaty and bored.   
Sometimes I struggle with the unpredictability of kids, especially toddlers.  You can plan all you want and have no idea how it is going to go.  At first I felt annoyed and really disappointed.  But instead of feeling that this day was a very tiring, waster of time, I'm laughing and remembering that if we went next weekend if could be a completely different experience.  And this is all part of motherhood and I'm thankful for this girl even when she's crabby and thoroughly not impressed.

Our favorite things to do

I am not a fan of days with no plans and struggle when we are stuck at home.  Sometimes I wonder if this attributes to Addilyn's inability to be entertained for long when we're at home or her lack of ability to independently play for more than five minutes.  I hope that this gets better the older she gets, and maybe I should work harder to not always rush from one thing to the next.  But as long as the weather is nice and there's things to do, we're going to keep staying busy!  Most days we get out of the house in the morning around 9, come home by 11:30 for lunch and nap at 12.  Then usually we get out of the house again around 3.  

Here are some of our favorite things to do: 

Parks.  By far the thing we do the most is go to parks.  There are tons around us, but probably two that we frequent a lot.  One of the parks by us has this bridge with a rocky path next to it and Addilyn easily spends 30 minutes picking up rocks, running to toss them over the bridge and back and forth. It is wonderful.

  

The library.  The town next to us has the best library.  They recently redid their children's section and it is so nice.  There's a huge slide and pretend plane/flying structure, a lego table, craft station, pretend grocery store and this awesome huge Lite Bright thing.  Addilyn loves it, it's closet to us and it's free! 

Dunkin donuts.  We've officially started making friends with the worker at Dunkin Donuts, as she recognizes us and even knows which donut Addi likes the best.  I get a coffee, Addi gets a donut and we can easily kill 45 minutes sitting inside.  She'll say hi to people as they walk in, jump around on the seat next to me, and make lots of strangers smile. 

Beach.  We braved the beach last week with my sister and three kids, and while it was tiring and so sandy, it was a lot of fun.  Addi loved being in the water, and as long as the weather is nice I think we'll be going at least once a week.  

Our deck.  We spent tons of time outside and lots on our deck.  We usually eat lunch out there, and spend time watering the flowers, playing in the water table, and Addilyn climbs all over our chairs and is so much happier outside! 

Bakeries.  There are two bakeries that we've been to quite often.  One has the best cake pops and another these fun smiley face cookies.  (And coffee for me!)  The little bakery in our town has couches and a few kids games which on good days Addilyn can run around, and be content for close to an hour.  We usually go to these on days when it's rainy or crappy weather.  

Storytime.  Barnes and Nobles has storytime every Wednesday at 10:00 and we've gone a few times.  I figured it'd be great when it's a rainy day this summer.  They read a story then do a little craft, which means I do a little craft but I know some day Addilyn will like that part.  Right now she just likes collecting the crayons and running on the little stage.  

Forest Preserve.  We have a forest preserve a few miles away and Chris and Addilyn usually go there once on the weekend, and I've started taking Addi there during the week.  She loves throwing rocks in the water, and I think she could spend hours just wondering around.  
Children's Museum.  We haven't been for awhile but there is this little museum about 15 minutes from us.  It's $5 and one big space that is perfect for young kids.  There's a little store and grocery carts, fire truck, stage and costumes, fishing pond, library, gas station and cars, legos, and a little slide/jungle gym.  Addilyn loves it and we need to go back!
Pet Store.  When we're really bored we've ventured to the pet store and Addi loves looking at the animals. I'm tempted to just tell her we're going to the zoo and keep our standards for entertainment nice and low.  
What are you favorite things to do with your toddler to get you out of the house?