I know this is nothing new and you've probably heard it over and over. But I know sometimes you have to hear things at the right moment or for the tenth time before it's taken to heart. And for me, I often have to learn the same lesson over and over during different seasons.
I texted Chris this morning, after I had been crying because I couldn't get Isaac down for a nap. A nap I knew would only last thirty minutes tops, and at that point even if he fell asleep I'd have to wake him for Addi's gymnastics class. Addi was crabby and I was tired from being up a lot and by Friday morning I feel pretty spent these days. I told him I felt like I'll never catch up on feeling tired. That I felt so tired and there was no end in site of a "break" of not being touched or totally on.
I often have to fight feeling anxious and remind myself that this stage is hard and exhausting, but won't last forever. Sometimes I panic thinking of all the sleep struggles we went through with Addilyn. What if he is up this often for a year and a half or what if he won't sleep unless we let him cry and how can I handle that again?
I think about years from now when they can put themselves to bed or stay up later reading on their own. Or spend the weekend at their grandparents. Then I think about when they are both in elementary school or even older and I can barely handle the thought. This time is so bittersweet. I look forward to years ahead for some reasons, yet don't want them to get bigger because I know I'll never have this stage back and there is so much sweetness amidst the exhaustion and neediness.
Yesterday I got pooped on. The other day I held a sleeping baby while wiping Addilyn's butt. I've cleaned up paint spilled on the counter and changed my shirt countless times because of spit up. I've said "do you have to pee?" a million times just in one day. There's no doubt motherhood is justifiably tiring and gross at this stage. But I've been going to bed every night this week spending the minutes before I fall asleep (for fingers crossed at least two hours) thinking how lucky I am to have two beautiful babies.
Some days feel long and the days of personal space and freedom feel far away but gosh I am so so thankful. And while I know it's okay to feel overwhelmed and tired, I never want to forget that this stage is short and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.