The other day around 5:00 I was feeling pretty accomplished for the day. I had taken Isaac to the doctor and then grocery shopping. I got a load of laundry folded, and a workout video in. Addi played outside in her little pool while Isaac and I watched, and was happy most of the day.
We had music on, both kids were happy. I was making a batch of breakfast burritos to freeze. Isaac was starting to get fussy so I put him in the wrap, thinking he'd fall asleep. Addi was playing with play dough at the table and I thought "man if Chris came home right now, we are in good shape. I look like I have everything completely under control." Music on, Isaac asleep, Addi playing happily at the table, me cooking.
Five minutes later. Isaac wouldn't fall asleep and kept crying so I tried to put him down for a nap. Addi got tired of playing by herself and started running around the house, loud, and naked. Isaac was overtired but wouldn't stay asleep. I was sweating and immediately so tired. It's crazy how fast things can go from feeling really put together to falling apart.
There's been plenty of phases where we've struggled with Addi and bedtime. We can have a wonderful day and then the last hour or two feel exhausting and miserable. I've started working harder to not let that last hour or so define how I felt about the day. To remove that hard moment, or even moments when I think about our day. Otherwise I'd be going to bed feeling defeated and frustrated.
So much about parenting is extremes. The idea of Isaac growing up is exciting and there are so many things I can't wait for. But the fact that he is moving farther and farther away from being a little baby is sad. There are so many things I love about staying at home or about breastfeeding. But there are things that make both of those hard and I can't wait until I can have more space and feel more like myself.
There's things that feel hard these days, like getting Isaac down for a nap or to stay asleep more than an hour at bedtime. I can end the day feeling like I'm failing at establishing any kind of routine for him . Or that we have days Addi has an accident or has whined a thousand times. But there are always good moments.
My new goal is to end the day thinking of those more "perfect" moments. Even if they are just moments. Like when Isaac and I got home from the doctors and Addi ran up to him, gave him a huge hug and said "I missed you so much Isaac. I'm so glad you are home!" Or how I rocked Isaac to sleep while watching Addilyn play naked on our deck with her water table. Her tiny little booty with tanlines. Or the ten minutes when Isaac was super happy in the wrap while I was making dinner and Addi was making "dinner" with her play dough.
There's always going to be hard moments during the day, but there will always be good ones and I'm working on ending the day thinking of those.