Being a mom is hard. Which I know is nothing knew to anyone. But I'm realizing as Addilyn gets older, there are more and more decisions to make where I have to decide what is best for Addilyn and what is best for me. In terms of discipline, childcare, when to push certain things, when to let go and everything in between. And there is no black and white answers, which is hard for me.
Last week I went to MOPS for the first time. I had wanted to go last year but with our struggles with Addilyn in our church nursery and that it was right during her nap time, I didn't even try. This year, I wanted to try. And to be honest it didn't go great. It could have been a lot of worse, but I didn't leave feeling super successful. I had a nice time and enjoyed the conversations I had, and I see the potential in learning and new relationships, but I did not have a great experience with the childcare.
When I went to drop Addilyn off there were probably 15 other two years old in there and at least 7 of them were crying and screaming. I went in with Addi and I could tell she was overwhelmed. Heck, I was overwhelmed. There were only two adults and they didn't come across as super comforting and told me it'd be better if I just dropped her off and left right away. But that's not better for me, and I don't think better for Addi. So I stayed for about 15 minutes. She would play but then run back to me and hug me and tell me not to go. I seriously wanted to cry. It wasn't in a whiny way or defiant way, but a sad, pathetic "I need you mama." And trust me. I know two year olds are dramatic, but it was still sad. I know this isn't a huge deal, but it's a new place, all new people and it's a big deal.
I told her that she can be brave. That mama will always come back and that it will be good for both of us. She gave me a hug and was teary eyed and I left. I honestly don't even know if the adults there would have known if she was crying because it was so loud in there and so many tears. It felt chaotic and I worried about her lack of attention, and while I know she would survive, I felt sad. I realize that this isn't close to the end of the world, and there are so many other harder things, but it was hard for me. I often just want to protect her and have her never be sad, which I realize is ridiculous and impossible.
When I picked her up, she wasn't crying but standing at the door. I asked her how it went and she said "I cried a lot, a lot for you mama." Which I don't think is true, but I still felt sad. I told her how proud of her I was and that sometimes we have to do things that are new and brave. We'll give it another try and I'm praying she does okay. This is one of many smaller situations where I get to decide if it's something that's worth it for both of us, and then to just be confident in my decision and either stick with it or just let it go. I know it will be good for me and probably good for her too, but I sure wish it was easier!