I feel like I've been in a rut lately. It's definitely been spurred on by feeling ridiculously sick this pregnancy, but it has become more than that. Physical changes thanks to the first trimester of pregnancy have left me feeling nothing like myself. My lack of energy to work out and feel strong and confident have been nonexistent. My daily routine of waking up before Addilyn, drinking a cup of coffee and having a quiet time had become lost. Addilyn's nap times are usually filled with me sleeping or laying in bed watching tv. And part of that is okay. I know it's a season and I know I can only do what I can do. But it's hard not to feel lost. To not feel like myself or that I have control of my body.
Completely apart from being pregnant I've struggled with contentment the last few months. Four of my close friends have bought and moved into new houses recently. Beautiful houses, and thanks to us buying our house at the worst time ever 8 years ago, are far less expensive than ours. I know there is so much stress in moving but I've envied them. I've been jealous of them picking out new paint colors, furniture and getting to decorate a new house. I've come home and looked at my "little" house with disappointment. I'm embarrassed to even admit that as I know we are beyond lucky for what we have, and if only everyone could live in a house that has everything they need. I have no room to complain.
My heart has felt disconnected from the Lord. I've been praying a lot, but my time in the word and my energy working on my heart has not been there. I've filled any quiet moment with tv or my phone. Or sleep. I've felt too tired to do anything productive. And while I think there's lots of grace in this stage or pregnancy, in motherhood in general, I'm ready for a new season.
I love the change to Fall. A fresh start. New goals, a new routine. I'm ready. Today I spent all of Addilyn's nap time sitting on the couch, worship music on. I read my bible, wrote in my journal and then read a book. And my heart feels so much more fulfilled. I could spend hours watching tv. I love tv. I want to be a Braverman and can't stop watching Parenthood. I think there is room for that. But it's doing nothing for my heart. And I need a better balance.
I want to do things with my time that fill my soul. I don't want to miss out on what God may be trying to teach me during this season. I want to work harder to get to know him and become the woman he's creating me to be. I want to stop caring about materialistic things. How I look, what my house looks like, how "together" it appears or does not appear that I have things. So here's to giving myself grace in these areas, doing the best I can, and letting the rest go.