. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Feeling stuck . . . .

September 1, 2015

Feeling stuck . . . .

I feel like I've been in a rut lately.  It's definitely been spurred on by feeling ridiculously sick this pregnancy, but it has become more than that.  Physical changes thanks to the first trimester of pregnancy have left me feeling nothing like myself.  My lack of energy to work out and feel strong and confident have been nonexistent.  My daily routine of waking up before Addilyn, drinking a cup of coffee and having a quiet time had become lost.  Addilyn's nap times are usually filled with me sleeping or laying in bed watching tv.  And part of that is okay.  I know it's a season and I know I can only do what I can do.  But it's hard not to feel lost.  To not feel like myself or that I have control of my body. 

Completely apart from being pregnant I've struggled with contentment the last few months.  Four of my close friends have bought and moved into new houses recently.  Beautiful houses, and thanks to us buying our house at the worst time ever 8 years ago, are far less expensive than ours.  I know there is so much stress in moving but I've envied them.  I've been jealous of them picking out new paint colors, furniture and getting to decorate a new house.  I've come home and looked at my "little" house with disappointment.  I'm embarrassed to even admit that as I know we are beyond lucky for what we have, and if only everyone could live in a house that has everything they need.  I have no room to complain. 
 
My heart has felt disconnected from the Lord.  I've been praying a lot, but my time in the word and my energy working on my heart has not been there.  I've filled any quiet moment with tv or my phone. Or sleep.  I've felt too tired to do anything productive.  And while I think there's lots of grace in this stage or pregnancy, in motherhood in general, I'm ready for a new season.  

I love the change to Fall.  A fresh start.  New goals, a new routine.  I'm ready.  Today I spent all of Addilyn's nap time sitting on the couch, worship music on.  I read my bible, wrote in my journal and then read a book.  And my heart feels so much more fulfilled.  I could spend hours watching tv.  I love tv.  I want to be a Braverman and can't stop watching Parenthood.  I think there is room for that. But it's doing nothing for my heart.  And I need a better balance.  

I want to do things with my time that fill my soul.  I don't want to miss out on what God may be trying to teach me during this season.  I want to work harder to get to know him and become the woman he's creating me to be.  I want to stop caring about materialistic things.  How I look, what my house looks like, how "together" it appears or does not appear that I have things.   So here's to giving myself grace in these areas, doing the best I can, and letting the rest go.  


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10 comments:

shelleystursma said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Giving ourselves grace is so hard! I'm feeling that discontent with myself lately, and am constantly reminding myself of all that I do have. Seriously, there are specific families I can think of that have it so much worse than I do.
p.s. I want to be a Braverman, too!

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

As things fall apart in our house, I wish for a new one. I get jealous of seeing "young" neighbourhoods, when my neighbours are older. I also want to stop caring about stuff... Why is that soo hard?? I always says it's because I take pride in my house for what it is and can make it pretty and feel like home. I also want to be a braverman and want that show to come back on!!

Allison said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This rings so true to my heart. Thanks for always being so honest! I think we all go through seasons and we all feel envious of others at times, but true contentment is found when we are seeking Jesus. I hope you are able to have more days like today. (And I want to be a Braverman too. Haha. I'm rewatching starting at the beginning because I've missed it!)

The Lady Okie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I can relate! Trying to give myself grace in this new season of motherhood and it's hard!

Denise said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

praying for you.

Kelley Moyer said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I've been feeling kind of like this lately too. I'm nearing the end of my first pregnancy and have felt great for the most part up until the last couple weeks. With only 3.5 weeks left, I'm totally in that uncomfortable can't breathe or move stage. I'm used to being able to do do do around the house such as laundry, cooking, and cleaning since I don't work, but lately I just can't. It's making me feel like a failure of a wife and worried about after the baby is born when I know it will be even harder to do things around the house. I too have got to learn to give myself grace and know that this is just a season too!

Mrs Gray said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Praying for you Katie! I know the out-of-sorts season all too well right now, and it's unsettling to say the least.

Ginny Clothed with Grace said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

When my morning sickness was the worst I couldn't even read my bible, so glad you had some great time yesterday. I'll be praying you're feeling able to get back in your routine.

Amanda said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

What a good (OUCH!) reminder about t.v., and those types of things that don't do anything to challenge our hearts. THANK YOU for writing that, friend :) You're so right and that's so true. I too, want to fill my time with meaningful opportunities. LOVE YOU!

Suzanne Bruce said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

The word I would use to describe my summer would be: jealous....One of my friends had a baby and I was super jealous of her little infant bubble... my other friend went to South Carolina for 3 weeks and had a house on the beach... It seemed every one I knew was going to Disney.... I told my hubs about all this and he helped put things in perspective a little... if it helps at all.... I am super jealous of your little miracle... being pregnant is great.. I miss it...