The last few weeks I've felt overly sensitive, extra emotional and struggling with being confident in motherhood. Addilyn who is an already clingy, needy baby has taken it up a notch over the the last few weeks and it's been hard. I've felt overly sensitive to comments of her clinginess or her attachment to me. I feel like she's jumped from a baby to a toddler and I feel kind of lost in how to parent a toddler.
Lately I see all these moms on instagram or even my friends around me with kids close to Addilyn's age and I can't even count the number of pictures and stories of potty training attempts and big girl beds.
Here I am still nursing my not so baby in the middle of the night, a few times during the day, she sleeps in her crib, with a pacifier with no thoughts of potty training or big girl beds. She says mama about a million times a day, I carry her a lot, and she's super attached to me.
Honestly I am not in a hurry to get her out of her crib or attempt potty training, but it's hard for me not to think we are behind. To feel like I don't know what I'm doing and second guess that I've messed up in ways I've mothered and habits I have or haven't set.
I want to raise an independent toddler with soothing skills to be okay away from me in the nursery or at bedtime. Or gosh I'd love to know when I'll leave her overnight. But I I'm not sure how or when we'll get to that point. I feel like we'll have a victory in the nursery or with someone putting her to bed here or there, and then a step back with me coming home to a crying baby not sleeping, or getting paged from the nursery because she won't calm down.
I feel pressure to reach certain milestones by certain dates. But I think the majority of that pressure is from myself. I need to be more confident in my parenting, and the choices we make for our family. Also in knowing that a good amount of those things, like her crying in the nursery is her and not anything I have done to make her that way.
I want to be more confident saying this is the kind of mom I am and stop worrying about what people think. Because chances are they don't even care. I'm still nursing my toddler. I get anxious about leaving her at bedtime because she's in a phase of not handling it well. I carry her around a lot and probably treat her more like a baby then I probably should. I don't feel prepared to handle teaching and training a toddler. But I'm doing the best I can. I'm pretty sure every mom is doing the best they can. And that looks different for every mom.
God picked me to be Addilyn's mom. God picked Addilyn to be my daughter. I'm the kind of mom that is overly sensitive and emotional, and I pray that I can use those emotions and qualities to make Addilyn sensitive, and compassionate. God gave me a daughter that is stubborn, clingy and a little wild. And I pray that I can use those emotions and qualities to raise a daughter that is brave and strong and doesn't give up.