I wrote this post in the Fall, soon after we had some scary complications with our pregnancy. I wrote about my tendenacy and desire to want to hold everything I loved as close as I could, as if I was the one that could protect them and keep them safe. I knew God was teaching me this big lesson of surrendering and letting Him hold all the things I treasure, because they are His.
Well here I am learning that same lesson again. Two weeks ago my mom went in for a routine test and they found that one of her valves in her heart was leaking significantly and that she will need open heart surgery.
I know that open heart surgery has become a common procedure and being that she is young and healthy she should be okay. But my mind couldn't help go to the worst, as I can't even begin to fathom life without my mom. For days the tiny thought of it would bring me to full tears.
I was sitting in our baby room, crying one day, thinking about how I wish I could keep my mom from doing anything that could make her heart worse, keep her healthy, and keep her from needing surgery. A little too slowly I was reminded of the lesson God showed me back in November.
My mom is such an amazing woman. She is beautiful, has a positive attitude, is an example of a Godly woman with a strong faith. She was telling me not to worry and that God was in control. (Sounds like a wonderful mom thing, right? Encouraging and comforting me when this is happening to her.) I fully believe that, but it is still scary as even though God is in control, tough and painful things still happen and it's hard for me not to worry about the future.
But as I learned in November, my hands can do nothing to protect my mom. As I was sitting in our baby room that day, I knew God was teaching me to open my hands and give Him control over the things I love the most. My mom being right near the top of my list.
In church on Sunday we sang this song:
I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all.
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I have is yours.
And I was reminded again, that I need to stop wanting to hold the things I love myself and open my arms and surrender them to God. Surrender my fears, the future, my mom and this whole process.