Arms High

I wrote this post in the Fall, soon after we had some scary complications with our pregnancy.  I wrote about my tendenacy and desire to want to hold everything I loved as close as I could, as if I was the one that could protect them and keep them safe.  I knew God was teaching me this big lesson of surrendering and letting Him hold all the things I treasure, because they are His.  
Well here I am learning that same lesson again.  Two weeks ago my mom went in for a routine test and they found that one of her valves in her heart was leaking significantly and that she will need open heart surgery. 
I know that open heart surgery has become a common procedure and being that she is young and healthy she should be okay. But my mind couldn't help go to the worst, as I can't even begin to fathom life without my mom.  For days the tiny thought of it would bring me to full tears. 
I was sitting in our baby room, crying one day, thinking about how I wish I could keep my mom from doing anything that could make her heart worse, keep her healthy, and keep her from needing surgery.  A little too slowly I was reminded of the lesson God showed me back in November.  

My mom is such an amazing woman.  She is beautiful, has a positive attitude, is an example of a Godly woman with a strong faith. She was telling me not to worry and that God was in control. (Sounds like a wonderful mom thing, right? Encouraging and comforting me when this is happening to her.)  I fully believe that, but it is still scary as even though God is in control, tough and painful things still happen and it's hard for me not to worry about the future.
But as I learned in November, my hands can do nothing to protect my mom.  As I was sitting in our baby room that day, I knew God was teaching me to open my hands and give Him control over the things I love the most.  My mom being right near the top of my list.  
In church on Sunday we sang this song: 
I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned In awe of the one who gave it all. 
My soul Lord to you surrendered All I have is yours. 
And I was reminded again, that I need to stop wanting to hold the things I love myself and open my arms and surrender them to God.  Surrender my fears, the future, my mom and this whole process.  
God is in control and I trust in Him. 

A New Attitude

A part of me was hesitant to share this post, as I don't want to appear at ALL ungrateful or not thankful for this miracle that I have been given.  But I want to be truthful with how I've been feeling, and hope that sharing this will help me follow through.

There is still part of me that is scared.  Scared that something will go wrong.  

Scared that I won't be holding my baby in July.

The truth is that I have been continuing to give into my fears, failing to surrender and failing to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy.

I think a part of me felt that if I didn't take weekly belly pictures at the beginning, talk to my baby, buy maternity clothes, or didn't spend all day thinking about how excited I am to be a mom, then I wouldn't be as devastated if something went wrong.

But I know that no matter what I did or didn't do, I would be devastated if something happened to our baby.

A few people gave me the advice to not wish away the beginning of pregnancy or have it be consumed with fear and worries.  And I believed that advice and tried to live it, but failed quite miserably the first three months. Failed to live in constant excitement for our soon to be family of three.  And failed to dream of our future and our baby.

So many days, especially a day when I have cramps or some other pain that makes me nervous, I just wish I could see into the future and see myself holding my baby.  I wish I could know for sure what our life would look like and how healthy my baby will be.

But I know that if I could do that, then I wouldn't have the need to daily ask God for protection over my baby, and for comfort for my fears.  I wouldn't be putting things in his hands.

So today I am embracing everything about this baby.  Belly updates.  Nursery dreams.  Baby crafts.  

and embracing everything about this pregnancy.  

And this miracle that I've been given. 

One Word

First I have to say that I don't think it is possible to put into words how much I loved and appreciated your excitement for our big news.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me how excited you are, how you've been praying and will continue to pray, and all your sweet words.  There is no doubt that I am a lucky.  Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot of this last year and all the things that God has taught me.  I've learned so much and have grown more this year than any other year in my life.  I want to make an effort to use what God has taught me to be a different person.  A person who loves and trusts God deeper.

I love the idea of focusing on a word for the year.  I spent a lot of time thinking about a word the represents an area that I know God has been testing me in and something I can apply to this coming year.

I choose SURRENDER.

source

I mentioned it on Thursday night, but we had a really rough start to our pregnancy.

The day before Thanksgiving we got to see our 5 1/2 week old baby's heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I truly don't know if I've been happier before.

Friday afternoon, I went shopping with my sisters and started bleeding really heavily.  It was honestly the scariest moment, as I thought that I was losing our baby that we had prayed for, for so long.

We rushed to the doctor's office and through complete panic and lots of tears on our end, the ultrasound technician found our baby's heartbeat.  But also found a really large hemorrhage, which was causing the bleeding.

They put me on bed rest and I spent the next four weeks waiting, on bedrest, hoping and praying that our baby would be okay and that my body would heal.  Each doctor appointment was a tiny bit of progress but every day felt so uncertain.

We waited for two years to get pregnant and I had thought once we heard our baby's heartbeat the waiting would be over.  As if I surrendered my control of getting pregnant but was still holding on to how I thought the rest of the process should go.

When I think about all the things that I love the most they are Chris, my family, and now my little baby.  The things that make me feel secure are my house, my savings account and my job.  There is this big part of me that wants to hold on to these things as tight as I can and not let them far from me.

When I felt like I was going to lose our baby I honestly pictured myself wanting to hold him in my hands, as close as I can to keep him safe for the next eight months.  I picture myself putting all these things I love in a room, shutting the door and holding them, as if that could keep them safe.  As if my protection is bigger than a God who is bigger than this world.

I want this year to be a year where I stop holding on tight to the things I love and the things that make me feel safe.  I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears and my feelings of uncertainties.

Because He will always be bigger than those things and I want them all to be held in His hands and not mine.

I want to give up my control, my fears, plans and worries and SURRENDER.