A part of me was hesitant to share this post, as I don't want to appear at ALL ungrateful or not thankful for this miracle that I have been given. But I want to be truthful with how I've been feeling, and hope that sharing this will help me follow through.
There is still part of me that is scared. Scared that something will go wrong.
Scared that I won't be holding my baby in July.
The truth is that I have been continuing to give into my fears, failing to surrender and failing to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy.
I think a part of me felt that if I didn't take weekly belly pictures at the beginning, talk to my baby, buy maternity clothes, or didn't spend all day thinking about how excited I am to be a mom, then I wouldn't be as devastated if something went wrong.
But I know that no matter what I did or didn't do, I would be devastated if something happened to our baby.
A few people gave me the advice to not wish away the beginning of pregnancy or have it be consumed with fear and worries. And I believed that advice and tried to live it, but failed quite miserably the first three months. Failed to live in constant excitement for our soon to be family of three. And failed to dream of our future and our baby.
So many days, especially a day when I have cramps or some other pain that makes me nervous, I just wish I could see into the future and see myself holding my baby. I wish I could know for sure what our life would look like and how healthy my baby will be.
But I know that if I could do that, then I wouldn't have the need to daily ask God for protection over my baby, and for comfort for my fears. I wouldn't be putting things in his hands.
But I know that if I could do that, then I wouldn't have the need to daily ask God for protection over my baby, and for comfort for my fears. I wouldn't be putting things in his hands.
So today I am embracing everything about this baby. Belly updates. Nursery dreams. Baby crafts.
and embracing everything about this pregnancy.
And this miracle that I've been given.
54 comments:
Thinking the happiest of pregnancy thoughts for you. It's my biggest fear and I'm not even pregnant yet!
I totally understand what you're going through. I struggled so much with this when I was pregnant. Just remember that it's all in God's hands.
I'll try and remember to say a little prayer for you and that sweet baby. :)
Lauren, my husband and I had such troubles getting pregnant and for no known reason. As I sit here writing this, my two year old is building towers out of cups and bowls and my four month old is kicking his feet and giggling beside me!
It's so hard to have been having problems, and then to be pregnant and think that it will all be ok. With my first son, I had three ultrasounds in the first 10 weeks and was told that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I was sent ome to wait for my body to "expel" my miracle. So of course, through the whole pregnancy I was worried. If I wasn't feeling enough movement, or any at all. If the dr couldn't find the heartbeat (which happened at my first 6 appointments!), I spotted the whole way through. It was such a horrible time, but it was such a wonderful time. If that makes sense. I can't say I actually stopped to take in the wonder of the pregnancy, because I was too filled with anxiety. As I look back omit now, and after my second pregnancy, I wish I had. I wish I took belly photos and loved how my belly swelled. I wish I took the time to rest and snuggle with my "belly" as the baby floated inside.
Time goes by way too fast, it may not seem like it now at week 14, but honestly in a blink you will be at week 40. And then, your miracle will be two and you wished you would have enjoyed those quiet newborn moments longer than you had!
Anyway, I'm rambling! Congratulations! You, and the baby, will be fine. It will arrive as God has planned, perfect and amazing in every way. Enjoy! Talk as much as you can to that "belly", your baby is in there and can hear and sense you. Good luck mama!!
I do remember those first weeks, even though it seems like a long time ago...my youngest is almost five! For me, the feelings changed daily - from excitement to fear and back to excitement. Don't know what the future holds for you or your baby, but continue to trust and surrender.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love those pictures :) :) :) so blessed to watch tis precious miracle grow & grow! Love you!! Praying for you :)
You're honesty is so beautiful.
I'll say a prayer, but am certain you will be a wonderful mother in July!
Love that grey sweater!! Your bump is adorable!!! I'm glad you ave chosen to embrace this part of your life, putting your struggle in the last and believing in this little miracle! I don't know first hand how scared you must feel, but I can imagine it and I'm sure part of you wonders when you will wake up from this dream after struggling as you did! Just remember how far you have come - that little baby in your belly is a sure sign daily that you beat the odds - you showed infertility who is boss!! Keep up the faith and positivity, embrace the new struggles that come with pregnancy and know that you deserve this healthy baby!! I'll continue foray for you all!! (I Amy have just written a novel for a comment - sorry for the length....lol)
And now I'm commenting again because autocorrect just made that post suck!!
*past
*to pray
*may
What a beautiful and honest post. God will watch over and comfort you and your baby. Will be praying for you.
p.s. you look ADORABLE! I LOVE that outfit on the left :)
XO Samantha
http://designerinteal.blogspot.com
I am so happy you shared this beautiful post. Drawing from my own experience, as you know, having traveled down my own road of loss and severe infertility, I will tell you my biggest regret is not documenting my first pregnancy. Yes I took belly pics, but I never blogged about it. Never filled in my pregnancy journal. I am so glad that you have the foresight to see that it's ok to embrace this pregnancy. This miracle. This gift. God loves you and He is where you can place your fears. I can tell you with certainty that I didn't believe in my pregnancy until I was holding Elena in my arms. Don't wish away this amazing time. Incredible bonds are already forming. Also, know that it's ok to complain if you feel icky. It doesn't mean you aren't on your knees grateful every second of the day. We all know you are, girl. So happy to be following you on this journey.
xoxo,
Katie
I am no stranger to giving into fears. It's easy as human brings to expect the worst. But I'm praying that God gives you peace of mind that way you are truly able to enjoy this miracle.
You look beautiful! :)
So often, we can feel guilty when we don't behave and feel exactly like we think we are supposed to. Thankfully, God knows our full heart. He does not expect perfection, just a reliance on Him.
I suffered two miscarriages between my first and second children. I was so afraid of my second child when I was pregnant. I was afraid to fully love her and think about her. It was too painful. She is now 12 years old and we have the greatest relationship. She is healthy and adorable. Our relationship has not suffered in the least because of my fear.
My love to you and your little sweetie. Love sometimes comes with pain, but girl, it is all worth it!
Love you. The end.
No matter what, God knows what's going to happen. And he promises not to give us anything we can't handle. So enjoy the baby bump and keep taking pictures! Cuz you're super cute!
You look beautiful. Praying for you during this exciting yet also nerve wracking journey. =)
I felt like this a lot with deployment; if I was "unnecessarily" happy, something would go wrong.
I understand what you feel, as I'd be the same way if pregnant.
Keep thinking good thoughts!
Aww, sweet mama, I hope everything will be ok, too. I had cramps, too, during my pregnancy and I was terrified for the same reason. But, it turned out to be a completely uneventful pregnancy :) It's likely just your muscles stretching to accommodate your growing baby {Dr told me that}. You're absolutely right--you would be devastated no matter what, because you're a mommy and you're carrying your baby... whether you fully embrace the reality of it or not. So, definitely take the time to enjoy it, because soon you'll be worrying about labor all the time. Sending love and peace to you and your family. Congrats on your pregnancy :) <33 PS: I highly recommend a 3D ultrasound in a few months--it's amazing--you actually see your baby's face and see them sleeping and yawning. It's magical <33 :) I'm new around here, so I hope that I didn't say anything wrong. xoxo.
@Daydreaming Realist
I read your last pregnancy post and want to send you a big hug and lots of prayers. I hope that it's all smooth sailing from here. <33
Sweet, sweet Katie. I've never been pregnant, but I am almost positive those are normal thoughts for any pregnant lady. I am a constant worrier and the littlest things make me anxious. Just like you, I have to surrender to the Lord and to His will. He will carry you through this pregnancy and His plan will be made in His perfect timing. He is holding you and Chris close: in July, He will be holding your new family of three as well! God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good :)
You definitely grew this week! So cute!
Aww look at that tiny bump! So cute!! I totally understand your fears, as matter of fact I wrote a post about my pregnancy fears from the beginning of my pregnancy. I think it is a totally normal fear, especially when you have waited so long and anticipated this moment. You are doing great with seeking God during your time of fear and that is truly the only thing that helped me. Embrace your pregnancy and enjoy imagining your future :)
You look gorgeous! Keep up your high-spirits and everything will go just as planned! July will be here before you know it, even though it probably seems like an eternity from now!
I am having a hard time with this pregnancy too. I am just not enjoying the process. I am ready to hold my baby boy.
I can only imagine how stressful it must be. Try to focus on what's happening right now in this moment. So much harder to say than do. You are beautiful inside and out. xoxo
You look so beautiful! I totally get why you are afraid, you guys went through so much to get to where you are! Just remember that God has a perfect plan for y'all and enjoy every minute of it while you can! You don't want to look back and wish you had taken more pictures, or just relished in being pregnant more than what you are, ya know? I am so excited to watch that belly grow!
Keep that attitude, hand your worries over and live the life of happiness and gratitude. don't they say...worry of tomorrow steals from the joy of today? Embrace it, girlfriend! Enjoy each day at a time. You're already such a beautiful mother and caretaker! happy thoughts for you!
So excited for belly pictures! I love this little baby and Jacob and I are praying for you and baby vale every night! We will focus more towards you surrendering your fears! Enjoy this pregnancy :) Love you Katie!
Love the belly pictures! The fear never fully goes away. Once baby is here there will be something else to worry about. I hope as time goes by you can enjoy each moment of your pregnancy and your thoughts are filled only with happiness.
Sweet, sweet post.
1. Cute baby bump!
2. As always, thank you for keeping it real.
3. Praying for you in the next few months. Praying that you won't live in fear but in His grace. :)
I am on my third pregnancy and still struggle with worrying! Each day is a constant reminder to give our worries to Him because he cares for us.
Worry advice that works for me by the Dalai Lama:
Can you do something about it? Yes -Then just do it and don't worry anymore.
No - Accept that you have no control and worry is not productive.
I am a worry wart, but you know what? Over the years I have learned that the thing you worry about is not the thing that ends up happening anyway, so your worry is just wasted. God has always cared for me, and I trust he will continue to do so. Also I trust that whatever does happen I can handle it like I always handle everything else. You have made it this far just fine, there is no reason you won't always be fine, believe and trust! Fake it til you make it and force yourself to believe everything will be alright so that you can relax and not stress yourself minute by minute. Trust and relax, I work on this too all the time!
Maybe asking for help with your feelings from family and God can reassure you.
Yay! I love the baby bump photos :) Sending positive thoughts your way Katie!
Annie
The Other Side of Gray
I felt the exact same throughout the beginning of this pregnancy, after suffering a miscarriage early last year. The first trimester I didn't want to talk about anything baby, didn't look at anything baby and despite how happy I was that things were progessing like they should, I couldn't shake the fear. But you get to the point where you just have to embrace and it accept all those worrying things (like cramps) as a good sign!! It means something good is happening in there :) Try to relax, you're in the clear now and things will be alright!
PS love your little bump :)
Katie, I think it is normal to feel the way you do. Truth be told, most of us who have given birth have felt that way in the beginning, regardless of whether or not we struggled to get pregnant. I truly believe it is the beginning of the worry we moms face as a parent, from the very beginning. And, it continues well beyond the pregnancy...the subject just changes. Continuing to keep you in prayer.
Aw my friend, it's I'm sure normal to be scared! But everyday brings you a step closer! Please know that many of us are praying for you!
Carly
I can completely understand that you're scared, especially after all you've been through. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy!
-Sharon
The Tiny Heart
January Group Giveaway!
what a wonderful and honest post. thanks for sharing. and i think I would feel the same way, thinking of you!
such a beautiful post katie! and what you're feeling is totally understandable. the less you expect, the less let-down you'll be if something goes wrong. but im glad you've come to the point where you can embrace your new addition to the family. its really such a beautiful miracle. so so sooo happy for you! :)
The Daylee Journal
Such a beautiful post. SO excited for you!
amen! just remember when satan tried to attack your mind that you armed with the one who created it all!
my go to fear scripture: For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and sound mind! 2 tim: 1:7
Love the new design! And you totally dont look pregnant yet :) Enjoy it
Katie,
Although I haven't ever been in your shoes, I think that what you are feeling are true, raw, human emotions that we all have from time to time. You have had your share of heartache, so you know about what CAN go wrong, and it will be a Herculean task to give that over to God, but you have been blessed with a tiny little miracle and it is my hope for you that you can ease your worries a bit and enjoy the now without fear for the then.
You are constantly in my prayers! Much love
xx
Here&Now
It is so normal to be scared but enjoy every moment! You look so great. I love that little bump. Cannot wait to hear all about the nursery dream, see the baby crafts and watch the bump grow grow grow! :)
I know exactly how you feel.. and you are so brave to share with the world like this.. most ppl are afraid to share with their co workers!! But I cannot WAIT to see that bump get bigger and bigger!!!
Katie,
I so understand you! I had the exact same thing when I was pregnant with Micha, running to the bathroom every time I felt some cramping and checking if I wasn't spotting, TMI? sorry :)...
What really helped me was reading Psalm 139 over and over again, and telling myself that this baby is Gods baby and he's holding it in his hands!
At around 20 weeks when I really started to look pregnant and feel the baby move, a lot of the anxiety left me, and I started to really enjoy my pregnancy!
Hopefully you'll be able to that soon too!
Praying for you!
oh katie you are not alone. i am doing the SAME things - i am still so worried, every day, that something is going to happen. but i just continue to PRAY and pray and pray that everything will be alright. praying for you and your little one, katie!
I totally love the comparison pics from one week to the next. And don't worry, the fear is normal, and excitement will set in.
I love this post.
awwwwww well you made it past the first trimester! that's a great accomplishment!!! :)
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
The weekly bump is so cool to see! I wish I would have done this. Thanks for linking up lovely!
x, Anna
This is such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing! And I'm so excited that you joined in on the mama style link up! xx
I think the fear is totally normal- I know I had it in the beginning but you just have to carry on girl :)Like you're doing. Love your tiny tiny bump!
wishing you the best! i was sooooo scared when i was pregnant with my #1. my momma reminded me to LOVE and ENJOY every minute of being a "mother" that i was given! that helped so much. i pray you will find JOY in the moments you have NOW... moments you have to rock, sing, read stories, etc. (even in the tummy!) together :-) XO
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