One Word

First I have to say that I don't think it is possible to put into words how much I loved and appreciated your excitement for our big news.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me how excited you are, how you've been praying and will continue to pray, and all your sweet words.  There is no doubt that I am a lucky.  Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot of this last year and all the things that God has taught me.  I've learned so much and have grown more this year than any other year in my life.  I want to make an effort to use what God has taught me to be a different person.  A person who loves and trusts God deeper.

I love the idea of focusing on a word for the year.  I spent a lot of time thinking about a word the represents an area that I know God has been testing me in and something I can apply to this coming year.

I choose SURRENDER.

source

I mentioned it on Thursday night, but we had a really rough start to our pregnancy.

The day before Thanksgiving we got to see our 5 1/2 week old baby's heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I truly don't know if I've been happier before.

Friday afternoon, I went shopping with my sisters and started bleeding really heavily.  It was honestly the scariest moment, as I thought that I was losing our baby that we had prayed for, for so long.

We rushed to the doctor's office and through complete panic and lots of tears on our end, the ultrasound technician found our baby's heartbeat.  But also found a really large hemorrhage, which was causing the bleeding.

They put me on bed rest and I spent the next four weeks waiting, on bedrest, hoping and praying that our baby would be okay and that my body would heal.  Each doctor appointment was a tiny bit of progress but every day felt so uncertain.

We waited for two years to get pregnant and I had thought once we heard our baby's heartbeat the waiting would be over.  As if I surrendered my control of getting pregnant but was still holding on to how I thought the rest of the process should go.

When I think about all the things that I love the most they are Chris, my family, and now my little baby.  The things that make me feel secure are my house, my savings account and my job.  There is this big part of me that wants to hold on to these things as tight as I can and not let them far from me.

When I felt like I was going to lose our baby I honestly pictured myself wanting to hold him in my hands, as close as I can to keep him safe for the next eight months.  I picture myself putting all these things I love in a room, shutting the door and holding them, as if that could keep them safe.  As if my protection is bigger than a God who is bigger than this world.

I want this year to be a year where I stop holding on tight to the things I love and the things that make me feel safe.  I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears and my feelings of uncertainties.

Because He will always be bigger than those things and I want them all to be held in His hands and not mine.

I want to give up my control, my fears, plans and worries and SURRENDER.

Someday . . . .

 shirt: discovery  pants: express  shoes: target

Someday I will get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. 

Someday I will not have to fight the jealousness in my heart as I watch my friends get pregnant and have babies.  

Someday I'll make crafts, projects and buy baby things for my own baby.  

Someday we won't be praying every night for a baby, but will be praying for a baby we have. 

Someday when we talk about what we'll name our babies it will be because we have one on the way.

Someday my strong desire to be a mom will be fulfilled.

Someday this will all just be part of our story. 

. . . and hopefully someday very soon I will be pregnant and we will hold a baby of our own.

In the next few weeks Chris and I will start our next phase to try to get pregnant.
The chances of it being successful are high, as well as our hopes, but I know that God is the one who is ultimately in control of it all. 

I'm feeling nervous and scared to start the process again, 

but excited that this could be the end of our struggle and the start of our family.

I'm daily working to give it up to God and am thankful for his control and comfort in our lives.

On your heart Tuesdays   Life on a Mission

Waiting quietly

 shirt: Old Navy  dress: JCPenny 

Last week was one of the harder weeks I think I've ever had. 

There was a stream of terribly sad news every day for many days straight. 

Chris' grandpa passed away, which meant that Chris and I have lost three grandpas in the last five months. 

I found out that a student of mine's mom lost her battle with cancer last weekend. 

A close friend of mine's dad passed away unexpectantly.

All in one week. 

And on the day of Chris' grandpa's funeral I found out that our last round of fertility treatments was unsuccessful and I am not pregnant.  Our doctor wants us to move ahead to the next phase of fertility treatments, which although it means a higher success rate, it is more intense and it one of the final stages of fertility treatment.  While hopeful, I'm also scared, nervous and overwhelmed.  

After all this news I was struggling to feel hopeful.  I was frustrated and confused why God allows all these things to be happening to us, and those we love around us.  I trust that God has a perfect plan for everything, but was struggling to see it.  How can he allow all these terrible things to be happening at one time?
And for all these people around me to be hurting?

On the night we found out we weren't pregnant, we were exhausted from the days events and I was feeling emotional, frustrated and overwhelmed.  Before I went to bed Chris read me Lamentations chapter 3. 

For the first 18 verses Jeremiah talks about how much pain and affliction he's been through.  

It's this terrible picture of sorrow and abandonment that he felt.  

Through tears from both of us, he read these verses
and I felt hopeful for us and those around us:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, 

the bitterness and the gall. 

I well remember them, 

and my soul is downcast within me. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, 

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord. 

Lamentations 3: 19 - 26 

I want to wait quietly and patiently for the Lord. 

and so we will continue to lift up our same prayer requests night after night, 

for I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He is faithful. 

Linking up to:

inspirational blog hop

A Wish

I recently found the blog, Cup 'a Hot Chocolate and love the new link up that she started.  Bloggers share a wish that they have.   Her idea is that maybe we can help each other with our wishes by giving advice, assistance or just encouragement.  

I thought about things that I am wishing for right now.  I keep trying to think of a wish that maybe others could help me with, but the wishes of my heart right now can't be granted with advice, or direction.  My wish can only be given by God in His timing, which is something that I am learning.  

When I think of making a wish the first and strongest thing in my mind is to have a baby.  

A better word than wishing for me is trusting and waiting for God's perfect timing.   

Linking up my wish here. 

~Katie

also linking up here today: 

Sunday Best