When you let it in . . .

 

It's a slippery slippery slope when you start letting anxiety creep in.  
We had Addilyn's one year check up (a month late) last week.  We had some worries earlier on with her weight, but chalked it up to her being pretty sick around six months, throwing up often and not eating a lot because of it.  For a month or so I got pretty anal about her eating, offering her food all the time and weighing her on our scale.  My worries were subsided when we went in for a weight check six weeks later and she gained a little weight.  I decided I was making myself crazy and worked hard to not be worried about it.  
So I was surprised at her appointment when she had hardly gained any weight the last three months and has continued to drop in percentile over the last six months.  I know the doctor is just trying to cover her basis, but that combined with a pretty constant nightly cough, she brought up some scary causes and seemed more concerned than I had expected.  She wants us to do a few tests to get the scary stuff out of the way and check for other more common things as well.  
I know the chances of her having a serious disease are so slim, but to put that thought in my mind is terrifying. When I let a heavy, anxious thought creep in, it's so hard for me to fight off others. The next day I was running and was worrying about the what ifs, and the thoughts of something being wrong with Addilyn.  Although nothing to do with it, I started thinking about our scary incident when Addilyn passed out after falling a month ago.  It took awhile for me to get that image out of my mind, but there it was back again. Over and over.  
In that moment I was so aware of how Satan tries to sneak his way into my thoughts.  To make me feel scared of the future, doubt God's protection and feel anxious.  I don't think there is anything wrong with being nervous or wanting to find out answers and feeling unsettled.  I think those are the times that God uses circumstances to draw us closer to him.  But I do think it's wrong when you let your worry be stronger than your trust for God.  I struggle with letting anxiety take over my thoughts. I forget God's truths and feel overwhelmed with worst case scenarios.  
It was a reminder that I need to cover myself with God's truths.  I want to be able to fight off my worries with His word and protect myself from going down that slippery slope of fear and anxiety.  Over and over again I've seen God answer my prayers, calm my worries and take care of my family.  And I know he will continue to do so over and over.  

I'll be happy when . . . . .

dress: H & M  shoes: target

Sometimes I have thoughts that I need certain things in life to make me truly happy.  

I read this post by Shauna Niequist and it really made me think about what I do so often without really thinking about it.  

I find myself putting so much pressure on certain things, 

that I feel if they happen then my life will be perfect, like . . . 

I'll be happy when I'm get pregnant.  

I'll be happy when Chris gets a job that pays more money and allows him to not travel. 

I'll be happy if I feel more confident in how I look or in my abilities.  

By thinking these things I am saying that God and the place where he has me in life is not enough. 

I think God does put certain desires in our hearts, but I think the problem is when I think I need that answer in order to be happy. 

My happiness and joy should not be resting in these things but in the fact that I have a God that loves me and knows my every need and will fill my life with exactly what I need in His timing.  

I want Him to be enough to make me filled with joy.  

On your Heart Tuesday    Call me Blessed

Life on a Misson

Waiting quietly

 shirt: Old Navy  dress: JCPenny 

Last week was one of the harder weeks I think I've ever had. 

There was a stream of terribly sad news every day for many days straight. 

Chris' grandpa passed away, which meant that Chris and I have lost three grandpas in the last five months. 

I found out that a student of mine's mom lost her battle with cancer last weekend. 

A close friend of mine's dad passed away unexpectantly.

All in one week. 

And on the day of Chris' grandpa's funeral I found out that our last round of fertility treatments was unsuccessful and I am not pregnant.  Our doctor wants us to move ahead to the next phase of fertility treatments, which although it means a higher success rate, it is more intense and it one of the final stages of fertility treatment.  While hopeful, I'm also scared, nervous and overwhelmed.  

After all this news I was struggling to feel hopeful.  I was frustrated and confused why God allows all these things to be happening to us, and those we love around us.  I trust that God has a perfect plan for everything, but was struggling to see it.  How can he allow all these terrible things to be happening at one time?
And for all these people around me to be hurting?

On the night we found out we weren't pregnant, we were exhausted from the days events and I was feeling emotional, frustrated and overwhelmed.  Before I went to bed Chris read me Lamentations chapter 3. 

For the first 18 verses Jeremiah talks about how much pain and affliction he's been through.  

It's this terrible picture of sorrow and abandonment that he felt.  

Through tears from both of us, he read these verses
and I felt hopeful for us and those around us:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, 

the bitterness and the gall. 

I well remember them, 

and my soul is downcast within me. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, 

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord. 

Lamentations 3: 19 - 26 

I want to wait quietly and patiently for the Lord. 

and so we will continue to lift up our same prayer requests night after night, 

for I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He is faithful. 

Linking up to:

inspirational blog hop

more waiting . . .

I found out some disappointing news on Friday.  My first round of fertility treatments did not end as planned and I have to start over and try again in a few weeks.    I'm sad and disappointed. Friday morning, before I found out, I was driving to the dr.'s office early before school and I was feeling frustrated with the whole situation - the time commitment and the emotional toll in particular.
  In the hopes of improving my attitude, I started thinking of the things that I am grateful for through this situation and how God has used this trial. Finding joy in times of trials sometimes takes some searching!  But I soon thought of many things, and I'm glad those we're all in my mind as I have needed to think of them often these last few days.

1. Our marriage - I'm reminded all the time throughout this year how lucky I am to be married to Chris.  He has been understanding, sympathetic and encouraging through all of this.  We've become closer and our marriage is stronger.  I know that this will make us better parents when we do have kids. 

2. Insurance - I can't imagine the burden I'd feel if we didn't have insurance.  My insurance through work is wonderful and I don't how we could do this, without it.   

3. My family & friends - I feel blessed to be surrounded by people who love me, pray for me and listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record because for the last year I've been dealing with and struggling with the same thing.  I appreciate the constant reassurance that they always want to hear how I'm doing and how I feel.  

4. Patience - While this is something I'm definitely still learning, God is teaching me to wait patiently for His perfect timing.  I remember in high school my youth pastor's wife would always tell me not to pray for patience because God would surely teach it to me!  While I don't recall praying specifically for patience before all this, I think it was time that I started learning it.  

I made this painting awhile ago and look at it every morning in my bathroom.
It is a great reminder to be joyful and thankful for all the things God has given me.

I read this verse today and I love the comfort that comes with it.  

Psalm 61:2  From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. 

Lead me to the towering rock of safety. 

My hear is overwhelmed, but I know God is good and has a perfect plan for us.  

On Your Heart Tuesdays
Cup Half Full
Call Me Blessed