Blue Lights

I will definitely share Addilyn's birth story soon, but have been thinking a lot about our extra stays at the hospital and wanted to share this first. 

The day after Addilyn's birth the pediatrician told us that she had signs of jaundice and after doing blood work found her count to be really high.  They needed to put her under these blue lights to help her numbers to go down.  Thankfully they put the lights in our room that day so she could stay with us.  They continued to test her blood and each time there wasn't much progress so it kept changing to "tomorrow morning you should be able to go home" or "tonight you should be able to go home."  
We got lucky that they let Chris and I stay an extra day in our room even though we were technically discharged.  Addilyn had to spend Tuesday night in the nursery and I could go in just to feed her. After still not much progress she had to stay Wednesday night as well, but Chris and I had to go home. 

Walking out of the hospital without our baby was so hard for me.  I wasn't worried that she would be okay and get over this jaundice but hated the idea of being away from her.  For the majority of our five days at the hospital I could only hold her to feed her, which at times was stressful and did not feel enjoyable for either of us.  I felt like I was missing out on bonding with, holding and loving my new baby.  I felt like I was getting robbed of time to connect with my baby and a "normal" stay after giving birth.  It was so sad to watch her in her little light box with those huge goggles on and not be able to comfort her.  I worried about her feeling attached and connected to me.
One day in the hospital I was thinking about why God would allow this to happen, when it seemed like such an easy fix to have her blood counts go back to normal.  I was trying to figure out what he could be teaching me through all of this and I think it just comes down to the fact that we are not in control and that God always is.  I had prayed for a baby and many times had said nothing else matters as long as I had a baby.  And I did.  I had a healthy, beautiful baby.  I waited years to hold my baby and just had to wait a few extra days.  

As I spent all day Thursday in the nursery with Addilyn, I was reminded how lucky we were as the nursery was filled with these tiny premie babies that had been in the hospital for days, weeks or months.  Our three day extended stay would seem like nothing to those little babies and parents.  Although still really hard it put things into perspective for me. 
Life is not always going to go how you think it should or even feel you deserve it should go.  Things aren't always going to make sense.  There are circumstances where it seems like God could easily fix and make your life so much easier, but He doesn't.  He doesn't because he wants us to constantly be leaning on Him, remembering all the blessings He's given us and never forgetting that rely on Him.