a new identity

This last week has been a weird week for me.  For the last six years this week was all about back to school.  I'd spend many hours the week or so before preparing my classroom.  Writing name tags, putting together binders and thinking about and planning for a new group of third graders.  I read post after post on facebook and instagram about first day outfits, feelings and stories.  I had thought that I wouldn't have an ounce of sad feelings about missing it and was really surprised that I did.  I'd get this almost uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that I was supposed to be at school.  That I was missing out on something I should be doing.  Somehow it was hard to believe that everything and everyone was just going to go about their year without me.  Yes. Hello so far off thoughts.  Things will go on just fine without me. 

While I am so glad I'm not going back to school right now, I do miss the excitement of a new year, organizing my classroom and catching up with my friends at school.  There's been many times throughout the days that I've thought about what I'd be doing if I was at school.  Walking my kids to music, teaching math or talking with my teacher friends. 

I was surprised that I had conflicting feelings of my transition to stay at home mom for the time being, as it's still not official when I'm going back.  I know that I want to be at home with my baby, but leaving a job where I've become so confident in to embrace a job that I feel unprepared for is scary.  I had practiced, learned and was successful as a teacher.  While each year or even days brought its new challenges I overall knew what to expect.  As a new mom each day is different, each night unpredictable and I don't know what to expect. 

Teaching was exhausting, especially at the beginning of the year.  But I'd come home, leaving my school work behind, accomplished for the day and to an evening of rest.  For years my main purpose for my days was to teach and take care of eight year olds.  My purpose has completely changed.  There's been days already where I've felt really successful as a mom but then days where I feel exhausted and overwhelmed with my new role.  And unlike my job as a teacher, there is no break.  

It took me a few years of feeling really comfortable and confident as a teacher and I know that those feelings as a mom will take time too.  And just like teaching I know I will have my days of success and days of frustration.  I know it will take me awhile to learn my new role and awhile to adjust to my new purpose. 

 I am so thankful for the extended period of time I get to be at home with Addilyn and thank God for allowing that to happen.  While there are aspects that I do miss about teaching I know that this is right where God wants me to be for right now.  Spending my days getting to know my daughter.  Loving her, learning her and learning how to be her mom. 

While teaching was not always easy I knew I was made to be a teacher.  I knew that I had qualities that made me a good at it and felt that God put that desire in my heart to take on that role.  I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom and has and will continue to give me the qualities I need to be a great mom to Addilyn and I am working to take it day by day and embrace my new identity as a mom.