Addilyn's Birth Story

As hard as labor was and as happy as I was that it was over, there is a part of me that is sad it's over.  It becomes such a blur (which is a good thing for forgetting the pain) but sad because it was the biggest day of our lives and I wish I could relive the moment I met Addilyn for the first time, as so much of it has already blended together in my mind.  I've gone back into this post many times to read it and write more, and each time get all teary eyed, still having a hard time grasping that this was my birth story for my baby.  
Our delivery and even hospital stay wasn't what I pictured or thought it would be, but I can only imagine very few people's are, as there is so much you can't control.  I said many times after she was born that I never want to go through labor again, as it was so hard.  I think I am pretty tough and it was definitely harder than I imagined it to be.  But I am surprised and thankful how quickly my mind and body is starting to forget how hard and painful it was, but of course unbelievably worth it.  
I had convinced myself that I was going to go passed my due date and even that I was going to have to be induced, which is so silly because I was told over and over anything can change in a day.  I had gone to the dr. on Tuesday and like all my appointments before wasn't dilated, effaced and baby wasn't even that low.  The dr. said he would bet on seeing me next week to talk about what to do now that I'd be passed my due date.  (Only this happy after the epidural)
So Saturday morning when I woke up with contractions at 5:30 I didn't think that was "it."  After an hour of walking around, cleaning up the kitchen and stopping every 5 to 10 minutes with a contraction I woke up Chris and told him we should start timing them.  So we did.  For a really, really long time.  I had contractions 5 minutes, then 8, then 3 then 10 and on for hours.  I called my dr. around 9, who told me I could go to the hospital or I could wait it out awhile longer.  I was so nervous I'd get to the hospital and they'd tell me I wasn't even dilated and send me home. 
Around 4 we called our good friend Dawn (who just quit her job as a nurse at our hospital) and asked her what we should do.  She told us to wait it out a little longer, that we'd rather be home than at the hospital if I wasn't close to labor.  So more waiting and lots more contractions.  We tried to watch tv but every 5 minutes or so I'd have to stand up and deal with increasingly more painful contractions.  I started having bad back labor and around 7:30 could not handle it anymore at home.  I was convinced we'd get to the hospital and I'd be at least 5 cm and ready for her to come!
We drove to the hospital, checked in and the nurse checked and I was only 1 cm, 80% effaced.  I was so disappointed.  The dr. said I could go home or walk around for two hours and check again.  To no surprise I started crying quite hard.  I did NOT want to go home.  I couldn't believe I was still far from having a baby and was in this much pain.   More tears came because I felt like I must be so weak if I was this uncomfortable and not far into labor and couldn't imagine what the rest of it was going to be like.  But at this point I had been having consistent contractions for 14 hours.  When they made me lay down my legs were so shaky and I was exhausted.  We decided to stay and walked up and down the hallway, stopping every three minutes for a contraction.  Many tears of exhaustion, fear, pain and nerves continued.  

They checked again around 10:00 and I was maybe 2 cm dilated and 90%.  More tears.  (Notice a pattern?  It only continues.)  The dr. said he could break my water or we could keep waiting.  When he told me I could be in labor like I was for 36 hours I could not handle that thought so we decided to break my water.  Soon after that he gave me pitocin, since my contractions weren't effective enough to dilate me further and I got an epidural soon after.  Again, I felt like a wuss since I wasn't far along, but was okay with not trying to tough it out as I was SO exhausted.  I was terrified of the epidural as my whole body was super shaky and I was having contractions every 2 to 3 minutes.  But it went fine and I am SO thankful I did it.  
From about midnight to five in the morning I felt quite relaxed.  I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop staring at her heart rate on the machine, knowing that we were going to met our daughter the next morning.  It was hard to believe that this was really happening.   Thankfully I pretty quickly progressed to 10cm by 6:00 the next morning.  Around 5:30 we called our friend Dawn again and she came to the hospital to be in the room with us for the delivery.  This was the biggest blessing, as she is someone we trust, who knows us and was such a great encouragement during labor. 
Before I started pushing the dr. told us that our baby's head was the wrong way, facing up and he was going to try to turn it.  I started pushing and he tried to turn her head.  After about 20 minutes of no luck he left for awhile and came back and tried again.  This time he turned my epidural down, since I was not pushing effectively enough.  Within 20 minutes I started to feel just about everything. 
  After an hour or so of pushing he got her head almost facing down but not quite.  Which is part of the reason I ended up pushing so long, because the biggest part of her head was having a hard time getting passed my pelvic bone.  I kept pushing and pushing for what seemed like forever.  I remember Dawn saying that most first time moms push between one to three hours.  At this point it had been two hours and I remember thinking, okay the most I'd go is one more hour, I can do this.   All my pushing and she wasn't making too much progress with moving lower.  They had me try lots of different positions to push.  I started feeling really nauseous and threw up a few times.  During this point I couldn't imagine anything more painful.  I even told Chris I'd rather run a marathon than try to push a baby out without an epidural, which was pretty non existent at this point.  
It was close to three hours and I knew we weren't super close to her coming out.  The dr. came back in and told me that I couldn't push much longer.  I wouldn't be able to do it much longer, the baby wouldn't be able to handle it well and it clearly wasn't working.  He said I could have a c-section or he could try to assist her out with a vacuum.  Yep, lots more tears here.  I couldn't imagine having a c-section at this point, after all this work and pushing.  After asking lots of questions about the vacuum we decided to try that.  I was so worried that it wasn't going to work.  Part of me felt like she was going to stay in there forever.
They prepared the room for her to come and got ready.  After he put in the vacuum we waited for the next contraction and I could start to feel her moving.  I was so relived that it was working.  I remember Chris telling me he could see her head and he fought back his tears.  It was such an overwhelming feeling to know that I was minutes away from meeting my daughter.   A few more pushes and she was here.  I was so happy she was finally out and I felt so proud and relived that she was able to come without having to have a c-section.  (My feelings of wussiness quickly went away after pushing for over 3 1/2 hours.) 

Right away I knew something wasn't right because they didn't bring her to me and Chris didn't get to cut the cord.  It all happened so quickly and within two minutes there were four more nurses/doctors in the room.  The dr. told me that they were afraid she swallowed meconium and needed to clear it out before they let her breathe/cry.  This has happened to a few of my friends so I wasn't too worried.  But after a few minutes and I still didn't hear her cry I was getting really scared.  I'd hear a tiny little noise and then nothing.  I couldn't see what was happening because there were so many people around her. Dawn kept telling me she was okay but I just wanted to hear her cry.  After ten minutes someone told me that she was having a hard time breathing and wasn't doing it regularly.  They had the neonatal specialist in there and lots of nurses rubbing her and trying to get her to breathe. I heard a few nurses talking about her APGAR score and saying it was a four, which I knew was terrible.  It was maybe ten minutes or so before I finally heard a bigger cry and knew she was okay.  I just wanted to see her and hold her.  Chris kept walking back and forth between me and her.  I finally got a glimpse of her when they weighed her and couldn't believe she was 8 pounds 13 ounces.  I was sure we'd have a small baby, as Chris and I were both really little and short, which we were surprised she was 21 inches long. 

After about 20 minutes I got to hold my sweet baby girl, Addilyn Jane. I couldn't believe that she was mine.  Even writing it, it doesn't seem real that it all even happened.  I had pictured this moment in my mind so many times.  Our miracle was here and I was a mom. The number of emotions that fill your heart and body in that moment is hard to believe.  I was tender, full of joy, exhausted, in pain, happy, relieved, and couldn't believe I was holding my baby girl.  I held her for the next half hour, staring at her precious face, trying to grasp what all just happened.     Chris was amazing the entire time.  He was encouraging, reassuring, supportive and so excited to meet her.  I could write a whole post about how amazing he was, as well as how everyone at the hospital loved him, and thought he was wonderful.  
Soon after they gave me some pretty strong pain medicine as my body was in quite shock after pushing for over three and half hours.  Once that kicked in, I felt really out of it.  My parents came in to meet her and I could barely keep my eyes open and can't say how exhausted I felt.  I'm so thankful for that first afternoon, evening and night we had because the next morning is when we found out that Addilyn had jaundice and I didn't get to hold her much after that, except to breastfeed.  As tired as I was I couldn't sleep as all I wanted to do was stare at our baby girl.  We had brought the book, "On the night you were born" to the hospital for visitors to sign and Chris sat on my bed as I held Addilyn and he read it to her.  We both could not stop crying.  We were a family of three and had our baby was really here and was really ours.  

There's never been a greater time in my life when I truly felt that there is a God that does miracles, as it it so hard to believe that this baby starting as a tiny, tiny spec that we could only see powerfully magnified.  And that she grew inside me for nine months and is now a healthy baby girl.