I have a whole realm of emotions at the thought of Addilyn turning one in a few weeks. I can't believe that a whole year has passed since she was born. Some days it feels like she was just a baby and others I can barely remember my life without her.
Most days the pain of infertility seem so lost, but ever so often it seems quite vivid. There was so much pain and heartbreak and loss that went into those few years. I think having Addilyn has healed so much of that period of my life. There are days that I just look at her and cry thinking of how badly I wanted her and how much my heart feels healed now that she's here. But somedays I think about the babies we lost through failed cycles and an early miscarriage and I picture what they may have looked like. If they would look like Addilyn or whether they were boys or girls. I can't imagine having twins, but I find myself thinking about life if the other embryo we had implanted would've stayed. Somedays I wonder why God's plan wouldn't include those babies as part of our family.
I think as Addilyn gets older I have more thoughts of what we went through to have her as I think about future children. There were so many days where I prayed and cried to God, dreaming of the day he'd bless us with a baby. I know that we got our miracle baby and if that is the only baby we have, then our life will be complete. But I have hope that God isn't finished with our family yet, however and whenever that may happen. I am in no rush to have another baby this second (although I'd definitely take one), but as this baby phase of life is ending it's hard for me not to think about the future.
I am beyond thankful that God gave us Addilyn. I know there are many people whose battle with infertility never ends and I can't even imagine being in that place. It's hard because I almost feel greedy with thoughts of uncertainty and desire for future babies. A few friends of mine where talking the other day about when they'd start trying for another baby and how many babies they want to have. A total normal conversation, yet one I'm envious of. While there is no guarantee for future babies for them, there's so much more that goes into thoughts of future babies for us.
I think a lot of emotions that keep going through me come with thoughts of "will I get to do this again?" For awhile I was getting anxious for the one year mark to be done with breastfeeding. Addilyn is squirming, has teeth and gets so distracted that sometimes it seems like a battle to nurse her. Nursing bras, pumping, not sleeping through the night, the guessing game of how much did she eat and why won't she take a bottle from Chris gets tiring. But when it started to get closer to her first birthday, the idea of being done breastfeeding makes me sad. I wonder if I will get a chance to nurse another baby and to have that experience. I'm not ready for the baby stage to end.
As Addilyn turns one we're entering the toddler stage. A mom of a toddler. When I start thinking about the strong possibility of not getting to do all this again I get sad. It's easy for me to get stuck thinking about the future. To wonder what our family will look like down the line. I don't want her to grow up so quickly, as I'm not sure I'll get to experience this all again.
But I know by doing that, I am missing living in the moment now and I don't want to that. I am so content with where we are now, and playing the guessing game of our future is not my job.
While I feel like so much of my heartache has been healed through Addilyn, there's parts that are still there. But those parts have made me who I am, the mom that I am and it's impossible to forget those struggles. I forgot how faithful God was to us and how many things he taught us on our journey to get pregnant. I know the same is true for our future. As in many times before I think it'd be so easy if we could look at our life five years from now to know what it'd be like, but I'm thankful we can't. I'm thankful that we have to daily trust that God has a plan for us and that He is in control.