. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Approaching One

June 29, 2014

Approaching One

I have a whole realm of emotions at the thought of Addilyn turning one in a few weeks.  I can't believe that a whole year has passed since she was born.  Some days it feels like she was just a baby and others I can barely remember my life without her.  

Most days the pain of infertility seem so lost, but ever so often it seems quite vivid.  There was so much pain and heartbreak and loss that went into those few years.  I think having Addilyn has healed so much of that period of my life.  There are days that I just look at her and cry thinking of how badly I wanted her and how much my heart feels healed now that she's here.  But somedays I think about the babies we lost through failed cycles and an early miscarriage and I picture what they may have looked like. If they would look like Addilyn or whether they were boys or girls.   I can't imagine having twins, but I find myself thinking about life if the other embryo we had implanted would've stayed.  Somedays I wonder why God's plan wouldn't include those babies as part of our family.  

I think as Addilyn gets older I have more thoughts of what we went through to have her as I think about future children.  There were so many days where I prayed and cried to God, dreaming of the day he'd bless us with a baby.  I know that we got our miracle baby and if that is the only baby we have, then our life will be complete.  But I have hope that God isn't finished with our family yet, however and whenever that may happen.  I am in no rush to have another baby this second (although I'd definitely take one), but as this baby phase of life is ending it's hard for me not to think about the future.  

I am beyond thankful that God gave us Addilyn.  I know there are many people whose battle with infertility never ends and I can't even imagine being in that place.  It's hard because I almost feel greedy with thoughts of uncertainty and desire for future babies.  A few friends of mine where talking the other day about when they'd start trying for another baby and how many babies they want to have.  A total normal conversation, yet one I'm envious of.  While there is no guarantee for future babies for them, there's so much more that goes into thoughts of future babies for us.  

I think a lot of emotions that keep going through me come with thoughts of "will I get to do this again?"  For awhile I was getting anxious for the one year mark to be done with breastfeeding.  Addilyn is squirming, has teeth and gets so distracted that sometimes it seems like a battle to nurse her.  Nursing bras, pumping, not sleeping through the night, the guessing game of how much did she eat and why won't she take a bottle from Chris gets tiring.  But when it started to get closer to her first birthday, the idea of being done breastfeeding makes me sad.  I wonder if I will get a chance to nurse another baby and to have that experience.   I'm not ready for the baby stage to end. 

As Addilyn turns one we're entering the toddler stage.  A mom of a toddler.  When I start thinking about the strong possibility of not getting to do all this again I get sad.  It's easy for me to get stuck thinking about the future.  To wonder what our family will look like down the line.   I don't want her to grow up so quickly, as I'm not sure I'll get to experience this all again.  

But I know by doing that, I am missing living in the moment now and I don't want to that.  I am so content with where we are now, and playing the guessing game of our future is not my job.  

While I feel like so much of my heartache has been healed through Addilyn, there's parts that are still there. But those parts have made me who I am, the mom that I am and it's impossible to forget those struggles.  I forgot how faithful God was to us and how many things he taught us on our journey to get pregnant.  I know the same is true for our future.  As in many times before I think it'd be so easy if we could look at our life five years from now to know what it'd be like, but I'm thankful we can't.  I'm thankful that we have to daily trust that God has a plan for us and that He is in control.  

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Helene in Between said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I honestly cannot believe that she is almost one. I remember reading about when you first got pregnant! it has truly flown by! that's wonderful to hear that she has healed so much of your heartbreak of not being able to conceive

Allison said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I loved reading this and hearing more of your heart. I really can't believe she is almost 1. Time flies by so quickly!! No matter what God's plan is, it is always good! I'll be praying you can enjoy every moment and not worry about the future. It's something we all struggle with!!!

Nicole @ Haute Runner said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Almost one? How quickly this year flew by?
The baby stage is one of my favourites and it's sad how quickly it flies by.

Jyndia said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Thanks for your open and honest post. Ugh I am dying for more authenticity around the blog world and I truly believe youve got it here. In January I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and just finished my rounds of treatment and have been declared cancer free at this time. I am a survivor and yes, am alive, cancer free, but I also might never have the chance to have children after having my body ravished by chemotherapy. So I relate whole heartedly to your post and thank you for your honesty.

Betty said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I love this post...and can't believe it's almost been a year! It is so hard to live in the moment...I constantly am looking towards the future, but I think by at least recognizing that we are doing it, it helps us focus on the present day!

two birds said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

What a beautiful post. I can't believe how quickly time flies! I have enjoyed watching her grow up on the blog and instagram!

Sarah Tucker said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

What a sweet post! And I can't believe she is almost one?! I feel like it was yesterday I was reading your pregnancy announcement!

Head to Toe Chic said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I can't believe she is almost one!!! She has grown into the cutest toddler!


Janna Renee said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm freaking out that my niece is turning one, so I can only imagine how you are feeling. She is gorgeous, and you are an amazing momma ;)

Sharlee said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I think I'm a lot like you in terms of wanting to know what's in store... But the most beautiful thing about my life is how much surprises me. I didn't struggle like you to get pregnant, but I often wonder/hope I'll get to do it all over again.

J and A said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I cannot believe it has been a year. Such a real honest post Katie. I know I have had a lot of the same feelings. We are so lucky to have these girls but hard to not know what the future holds too. Love you friend.

Sassy Engineer said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This might sound creepy, but I think we would totally be friends in real life. I just feel like I can totally relate to everything you type, and I don't really have anyone in my real life in the same stage. I think my son is just a few weeks younger than Addilyn, and I am really starting to be a bit sad about the baby stage being over. I too wondered if we would make it to a year nursing, and now it does seem to weird to think of that part ending. I also have a baby that doesn't love to sleep all night, but hopefully some day he will! Anyway, thanks as always for sharing your thoughts :) It makes me feel not so alone and isolated.