Addilyn's birthday day was wonderful. Full of donuts with Chris before work, then the park, frozen yogurt, and a nap together for me and Addi. We then headed to my parents for a birthday dinner. Right before dinner Addilyn was climbing on my parents recliner and fell head first onto the floor. She cried for a minute, I ran and took her from Chris and she went limp in my arms and passed out. It was probably the scariest half a minute of my life. Thankfully she woke up after maybe 15 seconds, that felt like forever, while Chris was on the phone with 911. The ambulance came, paramedics checked her out and we headed to immediate care to get her looked at. Everything looked fine, and besides checking on her a few times that night things were back to normal right away.
It's amazing to me how it only takes seconds for something like that to happen. Things can go from being absolutely wonderful to complete terrifying in one second. I knew before that the thought of anything happening to Addilyn was unbearable to think about, but it takes it to a new level when you're looking at your baby, unresponsive and so scared.
Although she was okay, I feel like fear started creeping in that night and next day. It was impossible for my mind to not wander through the what ifs. What if she had fallen on hard wood floor or what if she didn't wake up right away? It felt impossible for me not to think about how easy it is for her to get hurt. That I want to protect her and keep her from anything like that happening again. To see danger in every activity we do. Playgrounds, beach, playing in our house.
It reminds me of this post and my desire to hold onto everything I love as tight as I can. I want to hold on to Addilyn, hover over her and make sure nothing bad happens to her. Addilyn is fearless and active and wants to climb and explore and when I think about how easily she could get her it makes me nervous. But it'd be quite miserable for both of us to not experience things because I was afraid of her getting hurt. I know there will be so many times she gets hurt, but the thought of something like this happening again is frightening.
Motherhood is scary. Sometimes it feels like way too big of a responsibility. To take care of something I love more than I can ever express. Later that night when I was crying I felt like maybe I wasn't cut out for the job of being a mom. That it's full of far to many worries.
I'm pretty sure the biggest lesson I've learned so far as a mom is to surrender. To continue to open my hands and give God control.
Somedays I feel like that seems impossible. Like last night I didn't even want to fall asleep. I wanted to check on her all night long. Or this morning, I wanted to hold her all day and not let her go. But I know that Addilyn is God's more than she is mine. That I can't live in fear and need to enjoy my days with my girl.
I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears. Surrender my fears, anxieties and my baby to Him.