I feel like this is such a sensitive topic and one you have to tread lightly through, making it sometimes hard to know what the right things to say are. This year more than others I feel like people are more vocal, raw and honest and I it is such a good thing. On one hand it makes you know you are not alone, but on another it's a reminder to me how fragile life is. Lately I feel like it seems harder to have a healthy baby than not. I feel like I know more and more people who have lost babies, at all stages of their pregnancies. And it's scary. Being pregnant right now I feel like any day something could happen and I feel so out of control. But I think that is something God wants. Us to be reminded that He is in control. That we don't call the shots and we can't predict our future. Daily I'm surrendering this pregnancy, this sweet baby to Him.
During our second round of IVF, we found out we were pregnant. I can tell you exactly where we were sitting when I got the call from the nurse. I can picture calling our parents right after. I can tell you what I was wearing that day. Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate. I have a vivid image of where we sat, our conversations, our huge excitement that we were finally pregnant. I look back and part of me thinks how naive we were. I didn't even question that I wouldn't hold our baby that first week in May. Three days later I went in for more blood work and my numbers barely went up, meaning the chances were super slim of my body holding onto this baby. We were devastated to say the least. I went back two days later and they started going down, only to start bleeding a few days after that. I felt almost silly for celebrating and being so excited. But looking back I'm so glad we did. We were thrilled we were going to be parents to that baby and already loved him or her more than we could imagine. It was a short week of loving a baby, but it was a whole lot of love. A whole lot of waiting and prayers for a baby we never got to meet.
Having a miscarriage made me more cautious and guarded. When we found out we were pregnant our third round of IVF I had a hard time being fully excited. I was nervous at every following appointment. Especially when I started bleeding around 5 1/2 weeks, sure I was losing our baby. Thankfully our miracle stayed put and grew to be our sweet Addilyn. I've seen close friends lose babies at all stages and I don't know if there is anything more heartbreaking. My group of friends sadly looks at pregnancy as scary and hard and with no guarantee because of the awful things they've endured. And I don't blame them one bit, and many days feel the same way.
Some days I struggle with being confident that I will hold this baby come March. But I know that God has given us this blessing and today I am pregnant. With a healthy baby and I am so thankful for this blessing. This blessing that many long for and never get to experience. I'm thankful for the baby we lost, even though we only celebrated him or her for a week. I'm thankful for the other three embryos that we never got to see their little heartbeat but saw their tiny little selves on a screen. Those babies have shaped who I am today and made me a mom first.
I'm grateful for a community that can celebrate and honor and grief these babies. And I am so so thankful for this baby that is growing in my belly. That God can do miracles and that He gave us our Addilyn and this miracle too.