When Addi was Isaac's age I was about to run a marathon. I was running four times a week, for hours. I was in shape, felt strong and had time to be alone and work on something that was just me. Not related to being a mom or compared to anyone else. And it was so good for me. I am having a hard time not comparing that phase of life to this one. I've been doing so much better with working out regularly, doing workout videos at least four times a week, usually five. I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger, but I can't compare it to the shape I was in when I ran a marathon. I miss that phase of life and having that huge goal that I was working for.
I'm feeling ready to be done nursing Isaac, but feel like we're not even close to weaning. He nurses a few times a day, and at least once during the night, often more and has zero interest in milk. I nursed Addi till 22 months and it worked for us, but just feel ready to be done and am hoping to do it by summer. Part of me feels sad about that phase being over, but I am more than ready to have a little more freedom, be done with nursing bras and clothes and to hopefully sleep more at night. I got pregnant two months after Addilyn was done nursing so I have been pregnant or nursing for over four years.
I am 99% sure we do not want more kids. Chris wants to get a vasectomy and I am just about there, but the idea of it being so final is conflicting to me. It seems weird to pay for a procedure to not get pregnant, when we worked so hard to get pregnant. But the idea of a third kid makes me want to panic. I want the newborn stage again and the excitement that comes with a new baby, but I also can not imagine being pregnant again or actually parenting a third child!
I am in a spiritual rut and need to work on it. I have to figure out how to carve out time in my day to read the Bible and pray and work on my relationship with God. I miss having a community with adults to talk about what God is teaching us and share what we're struggling with. If it weren't for texting one or two friends with how I'm doing I would feel like I just about completely lacking adult conversations on any kind of deep level and I miss that.
I want to go back to making a few goals to work on for the week that are about me and not being a mom. Working out goals, doing something nice for a friend, reading a few chapters of a book, etc. I think that will make me feel happy and who doesn't feel accomplished checking things off a list?
Most of these things make me feel like I'm in limbo, which isn't a place I love being. I know all of this is a season - getting back in shape after kids, having deep community with little kids, readjusting my schedule and priorities for things that are important. So I'm just working on giving myself grace in those areas, but stretching myself to work on them and then knowing when to be content with where I am.