February 17, 2013
The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey though infertility, seems surreal to me. There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.
There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.
There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful.
But I don't think that it is one or the other.
The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person. A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans. But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before.
All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that.
Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant. There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical. Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby." For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men. Far from anything romantic or personal.
Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me. A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends. The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful. Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF. It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.
I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process. As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant. I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked. While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband.
I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon. As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining. And how I can't imagine doing it again. The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again. It all was worth it.
I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there. But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it.
I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story. I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby. But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here. I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.
The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing. Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.
I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here. However it may be that brought us to this point.