I learn over and over that I need to hand over my desire to control things in my life to God. I'm currently in a state of constantly stopping myself from waiting to be the one in charge of my situations from little things like Addilyn's schedule to bigger things like the stability of Chris' job or the future of my teaching job.
Last week I had a rough day. Chris and I had a good amount of days in a row where I felt like we weren't on the same page, struggling to connect and arguing over little things. I had a few rough nights with Addilyn and felt emotional and overwhelmed. I went to the store with Addilyn and after our grocery trip, which included any empty diaper bag when one was much needed, I changed Addilyn's diaper in the car, loaded my groceries and closed the trunk and Addilyn's door to find I had locked my keys, and Addilyn in the car.
Yes I've done this already. That time I was in my garage and an extra set of keys were in the house. I've been paranoid since and almost always leave my door open when I'm doing anything. I'm still not sure how I managed to do it, but I immediately started panicking. Thankfully I had my phone in my pocket and not my diaper bag like usual. I called Chris in tears, who called the police, who were sending someone out. Addilyn could not have been better. She was smiling and giggling at me most of the time, laughing at the Target workers who came outside, and didn't cry for one second. Which I can't say the same about myself. She ended up being in there for 15 minutes but it felt like much longer to me.
It was one of those things that just topped off an already hard day. I know none of these things are life threatening things, but I felt tired and defeated by the end of the day. Sometimes I think it takes something like this to make you stop and think about what you are learning in life.
I've struggled lately with how to handle balance. Balancing my time with Chris, meeting my introverted needs but building relationships, saying yes to things but guarding our time home as a family. How to meet my spiritual needs of fellowship but finding time to make that work with a little baby at home. I struggle with not second guessing my parenting choices in regards to helping Addilyn sleep better, giving her a routine but wanting her to be flexible, and when and how to introduce new things.
I often find myself wishing that there was a right answer for all these things. A rule book that said you need to do this, this and this to have a healthy, happy nine month old who will grow up to be wonderful. Or you need to say yes to this commitment but no to this one. Wouldn't that be nice?
Unfortunately there is no right answers for so many of these things. But fortunately there is someone that can provide me with exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. And if there was a right answer, I could trust in the answer, instead of trusting in Him.
So I'm working on trying to relax and trust in Him more. Knowing that all these things are so small in the bigger picture. That if I continue to put Him first, He's going to bless my marriage, our parenting and our sweet baby girl.