. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Waiting for baby number 2

April 13, 2015

Waiting for baby number 2

As we get closer to Addilyn turning two, I'm struggling more with the want for another baby, which brings on a whole realm of emotions.  For the most part I've been able to push them aside and feel completely content with where we are now, but as we get closer to Addilyn turning two I find myself thinking about it more often.  We've said for a long time that once she's two we'll talk seriously about a plan, whether that be fertility treatments or adoption and to be honest both scare me.  

There's been a handful of times this last month that I've thought of our lost babies through our fertility treatments.  I know there are so many women who have miscarriages and this is a common thing, but it is still hard and sad.  I know we have four babies in heaven that we never got to meet.  The idea of going through fertility treatments, knowing there are high possibilities to endure more losses is really hard.  There is so much that is not black and white when it comes to what I feel like are the best choices regarding fertility treatments and I struggle with this a lot.  I know without a doubt that God gave us Addilyn through IVF and it was His perfect plan.  But there are times I think about the fact that we had to lose four embryos in order to get Addilyn and I don't want to do that again.  We agonized over decisions, like how many eggs to fertilize because we didn't want a lot left over but didn't want to end up without any quality ones to use.  I know that ultimately God was in control of every decision we made along the way, but they were decisions that took up a lot of time, energy and prayer.  This unappealing part of the fertility treatments is almost as big as the physical and financial toll, which are both huge reasons I'm afraid to do it again.  

I think there was a part of me that thought I was going to be one of those women that go through fertility treatments and then gets pregnant easily on their own after having a baby.  Chris and I have never done anything to prevent getting pregnant since Addilyn has been born, and while I shouldn't be surprised, I'm disappointed I haven't been one of those woman.  I still have hope that it could happen, but the longer it goes the less I feel like that's a possibility.  

Today I saw two different pregnancy announcements (for baby number two) and I cried.  The day before I got my period and thought there was a chance, although so small, that I may be pregnant this month.  I felt sad and disappointed.  I think I've felt that since we already have a baby, I shouldn't be sad about not having another one.  Like it's greedy and unappreciative of what we do have.  But I think that there is a line between acknowledge your desires, letting yourself be sad, and to be content where you are.  

For a long time I felt like infertility defined who I was.  It was something that was on my mind all the time and I had to work hard to not let it take over my life.  I know that it is so different now that we have Addilyn, but it's a desire to have a baby nonetheless and I'm afraid to go through all those feelings again.  The jealousy of other pregnancies, disappointment of another month not being pregnant, and then more so the unknown and uncertainty of infertility or adoption.  

I remind myself that God taught me so much through our infertility until we got pregnant with Addilyn.  I would be a completely different person had I not gone through those struggles.  And I know whatever our journey looks like to expanding our family, God is going to do the same.  That it's okay to be sad and okay to acknowledge the desire for another baby.  But to continue to pursue contentment and be thankful for this exact place where God has us.  

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20 comments:

Samantha Curtis said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Girl I just want to hug you. I will be praying that whatever is meant to be will be. Just know I'm thinking and praying <3

Mrs. Southern Mama said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I think your feelings are totally normal. Heck, I am happily pregnant (32 weeks) and I still get jealous whenever I see pregnancy announcements. (Real talk!) I think it's because I just want my baby in my arms soo bad. Battling with fertility is tough... and it can totally alter the way you think. I hope you and your hubby find the perfect solution to baby #2 - whichever route that may be!!!

Jodi said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I was an adoption social worker for 5 years and I know a lot about adoption. If you ever have questions or want to talk email me or I'll give you my cell. I LOVE talking about adoption and miss that in my current job.

muriel said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

One of my friends had to go throuģh IVF for their first 2 babies and then were surprised by a 3rd child. Infertility is so difficult. Good luck with your decision. Hugs!

Savanna said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I can't even imagine Katie. I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting another. It's a natural thing especially for someone who is such a wonderful mother. I can remember after my second miscarriage someone telling me I was selfish for mourning and questioning God because I already had 2 kids and she couldn't have any. I have no clue what God's plans are but I do know it's really hard to rest in his plans sometimes. I will be praying that you find the answers and the comfort you need to make your next step.

Bria said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Hugs Katie. Thanks for being so transparent. I have never gone through infertility issues but you and this struggle pop into my mind from time to time. Know that I think about you and your family, I hope whatever comes to be for you all brings you the most joy. And absolutely don't beat yourself up for feelings. I struggle with depression sometimes and can fall into the same trap "I don't deserve to be depressed, I have a great life" but beating ourselves up doesn't help. What's helped me a lot is just acknowledging the feelings as they come, almost an "I see you sadness, thank you for being here and keeping me grounded." And just watch it float on by.
Ok this is a novel, I am thinking of you and your Addy. :)

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I hear ya! Love how honest this post is! We are at the same point now, although we are seeking fertility treatment now. I just did my post last week on this being our time as a family and that gives me some hope and positivity to get through this. Because infertility can suck the life out of you. Wishing you guys the best! I was hopeful we wouldn't need treatment either, but that didn't happen! :(

Laura said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh Katie, I know this is so hard. Do not feel guilty or that you're greedy for wanting another baby. Of course you want more kids, for you and Christ, and for Addilyn too. God did a huge miracle with Addilyn and He can do more. You haven't "used up" His blessings. I am praying for you right now.

Anna D Kart said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Dear Katie! Thank you so much for being so honest and open about your feelings and how hard it must be for you to go through infertility! I cannot imagine because I've never had to experience the unfulfilled desire. I pray God will give you strength to go through it all - no matter the way takes you. You are one amazing and strong woman!


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Chrissy + Nate said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I totally understand. Nate and I have been trying for almost three years and have had no success. We have chosen not to involve doctors, as we feel God's plan will unfold for us either through natural pregnancy or adoption (which is to say that each family has their own decision to make when it comes to infertility, no right or wrong!). It is a bittersweet moment when you hear of another's pregnancy: their first, second, or FIFTH, as a former college sorority sister of mine just had. You are happy for them, but at the same time just heart broken that it isn't you. We continually pray that God will reveal His plan to us and that He will mend our broken hearts as each month passes without a child. I feel like we could sit for hours and just talk about the struggle, because I know you have been through it, and I am currently going through it as well. I still don't feel comfortable blogging about it, as only our close family and friends know our struggle with pregnancy. But I will be praying for you and Chris, and that God will give you peace and comfort through either your waiting or your second baby :)

Nicole @ Haute Runner said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Hugs!

Samara said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

First of all, thank you for being so honest in your blogging. I know it is hard to be so transparent when it comes to things like this.

Second- no need to feel ashamed or 'greedy' for wanting another one. I am part of a couple of online infertility support groups where there are many women who have had one child and then struggled to have a second. I am in the 'can't even get pregnant with the first' boat, and while I acknowledge that our situations are different, the heartache is still similar. There is still a grief that things aren't as easy for you as it is for others, a deep yearning for children, the roller coaster that comes with fertility treatments and feeling 'stuck' as those around you continue to grow their families. It would be a tragedy if you felt like you were unable to share your emotions and get support from others for fear of thinking people will find you 'greedy'.

Whatever you guys decide (local or international adoption, IVF, embryo adoption), I really do hope and pray that you are able to bless a child with a loving home.

(Also, to add my personal opinion in her- thank you for taking so seriously the lives of your embryos. It saddens me when I see people being 'frivolous' with embryos. The fact that you are feeling such heart ache about the potential loss of further lives is a real testament to the value you place on them).

xx

(And last thing....have you heard of The Carry Camp? It is a great Christian resource created by women who have 'been there, done that' or are in the thick of it)

maria said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

You are allowed to feel all those feelings, never feel guilty or greedy!
I had a lot of similar thoughts when we were thinking about having #2, and was so scared of going through fertility treatments again. It's so hard physically and mentally! And I think that longing for baby #2 might be just as hard as longing for baby #1, now it's not only wanting to become a parent, but also giving your firstborn a sibling. It's such a hard thing to go through!
We were lucky enough to not have to make any descisions, God decided for us and gave us our surprise baby!(which was such a shocker, because my husband was/is (?) practically infertile) Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for that miracle!

I hope and pray that your prayers for another baby will be answered!

Hugs!!

Kylie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Praying for you. This is such an insightful read. My sister in law went through a lot while they were trying to get pregnant too.

J and A said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am here for you always and know those thoughts as well and how hard it is on you. As always your posts are so honest and raw but I hate to hear you hurting. All of those feelings are so normal. You are one strong mama and I know whatever is meant to happen will, just as it did with Addie. Always here for you though Katie.

Good read here.
http://www.cordmama.com/blog/2015/4/2/the-scars-of-infertility

Carrie Corrigan said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie: Infertility is a hard cross to bear. Miscarriage is ten times worse. You are stronger than me. After loosing only one baby, I couldn't bear trying again. Hopefully, whatever path you are supposed to take will become clear & you will feel at peace about it.

Sarah said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I just want to hug you right now. I so know how you are feeling and thank you for being so honest. While I don't have fertility treatments I totally understand how you feel with seeing all of your friends announcing pregnancies and you're left wanting. You appreciate yes, but you still want. Two of my best friends announced their pregnancies within a week of each other and their kids are just a week apart. It was super hard for me. And I totally understand how you feel on the fertility treatments, I feel the same way, it's so hard to know. Many thoughts and prayers friend.

Jena Roach said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I love you, Katie, and your honesty. Our own loss this winter has truly opened my eyes to the gravity of miscarriage and fertility loss. I cannot imagine the pain you have endured with each of these sweet babies. I don't know much. I don't know why God takes our babies with Him instead of allowing them with us. All I know is that our God is great. He binds up our wounds. He uses our brokenness. He heals our scars. He gives life. I choose to believe He uses this time to make us cling to Him even more, because that is all we can do when we feel like this. All we can do is cling to the baby He has already given us and cling to Him, sweet Katie. May He give you the desire of your beautiful heart.

Alyssa said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Goose bumps, goose bumps, goose bumps! Oh I love you. I don't fully understand what you've gone through, but it took me and Brand almost two years to have a baby... It feels like longer though because I've wanted to be a mom for oh so very long. I know that baby #2 will happen for you my dear. You are such a great mom to your little girl.
When we were trying it always seemed like there were pregnant women EVERYWHERE. It was something I so desperately wanted and I felt so useless because I wasn't in their shoes. I know it was happen, one way or another. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for us all. (:

raechelmary said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Wow Katie, I was just writing about the same thing. Although we haven't had the same journey, I'm feeling a lot of that same feelings as you. We have been trying for #2 for 16 months now (with 1 miscarriage back in 2013) and I'm exhausted. Every time someone announces that they are having a baby it breaks my heart and then I feel horrible about feeling angry. I will be thinking about you guys and I know we can all get through this the way we are meant to. If you ever need to talk please know that you have a friend in me! xoxo