26.2

I can't even tell you the relief that I feel that the marathon is over.  The month leading up to it has been stressful and so thought consuming.  After working so hard for four months training and feeling great, the last month of pain and nerves about not be able to run it consumed so much of my mind.  

Saturday night we headed downtown to go to the marathon expo and to pick up my packet.  Addilyn loved running around and looking at everything, and cried when we left.  We headed to a friends house where we stayed and ate Thai food for dinner.  I was worried about Addilyn not sleeping great since she'd be in a pack n play in our room, but she slept fine until 4:30.  I actually could not sleep, I'm sure because of nerves.  I maybe slept 30 minutes if that the whole night.  Addilyn didn't fall back asleep after 4:30, so thank goodness for a good dose of adrenaline!  
dinner Saturday night/ exactly how I felt too
We stopped by to pick up Chris' brother and sister in law who were running it too and staying at a cousins house.  Chris and Addilyn dropped us off and we walked to the start.  It's crazy how many people are there.  There are 45,000 runners and I saw on the news that there are 1.7 spectators that day.  People are running and stretching and waiting in longest lines to check bags and use the bathroom.  Definitely just made me more nervous.  I managed to sneak in to a different start corral (which involved kind of running from a security guard. oops) so that I could start by my brother and sister in law.  It was so nice to start by them even though we only ran the first two miles together.  
Once the start goes off you walk for close to a mile to the start line before you actually start running.  It is a really neat feeling to be surrounded by all these people who have worked so hard and are ready to accomplish a huge life goal.  You're elbow to elbow with people for awhile, but things start to spread out after a mile or so.  It's funny though because I'd start to feel like there wasn't a lot of people around me and then I'd get to a downhill and just see thousands of people running ahead.  This picture was probably around mile 18.  

I was so worried about my knee, as I hadn't even done 2 straight miles of running for weeks.  Every time I'd try I'd get bad knee pain and end up walking and then stopping.  I was nervous about pushing myself before the race for fear of more injury.  I felt great the first few miles, but at mile 4 started having shooting pain in my knee and leg.  I texted Chris that I was in a lot of pain and I was nervous that would be it.  I was determined to finish, but thought I'd probably be walking a lot.  I decided to keep running to see if it would go away and prayed a lot.  At mile six I had significantly less pain and so I kept going.  I kept making another goal to run too.  10, then 12, then 15.   Over and over I kept thanking God for keeping my pain minimal and I was so determined to finish.  

I managed to see Chris and Addilyn at mile 12 and it was so good.  Although Addilyn couldn't even focus on me.  Chris jumped in and stayed next to me for a few yards but she wouldn't even look at me. There's so much noise and people I don't think she even registered that it was me.  But I'm so glad I saw them.  It gave me motivation to run until that point and to keep going.  

I got to see my mom, aunt and mother in law at mile 17 which was so nice again.  I managed to run without stopping once until mile 20 when I started having shooting pains again.  I started walking some and once I start walking it's so hard to get going again.  And by walking I should say pretty much limping.  
A girl came up next to me around 20 and half miles and asked if I wanted to run with her.  She was injured the last four weeks of training and was running slower than expected and struggling to keep going.  It was perfect timing.  We ran on and off the next few miles and talked and it was a great distraction.  I hit mile 25 and was able to run the rest of the way.  I saw my mom again at mile 25 1/2 and picked it up until the finish.  
right after the finish
The finish line was the best site ever.  I got teary-eyed multiple times while running.  I had so many friends text me throughout the race, telling me how proud they were of me.  I got the sweetest texts from Chris that made me teary-eyed.  I worked so hard and was so nervous I wouldn't be able to finish. There is no doubt in my mind that God answered my prayers.  Healing me knee enough for me to run and push through to the finish.  It was a reminder to me that God hears our prayers, big or little.  It was a reminder again that I have so many people in my life that love me, pray for me and cheer me on.  

Annoyingly the set up at the end of the race is that spectators aren't allowed near the finish line, so I had to walk almost a mile, including some stairs, to find Chris and my family.  Addilyn did so good the whole time I was running right until the end and started falling apart once she saw me and we had to walk back to the car (and I could not carry her).  It was the longest I've been away from her ever, but she did great.  The logistics of the race, the night before and the craziness of the city is stressful to me, and adding her to the mix this time, made it a little trickier.  But I'm sure I would've been more anxious had she not been with Chris and I, and even though she won't remember it, I look forward to telling her about watching her mama run the marathon! 

(Thank you Courtney for Addilyn's shirt! I loved it!) 

When I finished the Chicago marathon both other two times, after I crossed the finish line I immediately thought I would do it again.  The hard training and work was worth it and almost forgotten when I finished.  This time the hard training and work was totally worth it (not not close to forgotten) and I'm so glad I did it, but I have no intention of running it next year or the year after that even.  I will not say never, as I'm sure I'll do a marathon again.  But this time the training, getting back in shape, the time commitment and the emotions and frustration with my knee injury, made it so much more challenging. I felt prouder and stronger and more determined this year than ever before and I'm glad I did it.  I think it was so good for me to have something outside my role as a new mom this last year. To have a goal and time alone and to work at something that was just about me.  To find success in something separate than being a mom and to challenge myself and work towards a hard goal.  

I honestly can't tell you how much I appreciated the encouragement I've received on instagram, through emails and texts and all your prayers.  This morning I got to spend some extra time in bed resting and I can't tell you how relieved I feel that it is over.  I'm excited to workout again and not to have to follow a running plan.  To not work out if I don't want to, and to not be constantly wondering how the race would go.  I feel beyond happy and proud of myself and am so thankful to God that he answered my prayers to be able to run yesterday.

The best I can do

I had no intentions to write another post about the marathon after last week, but turns out that it taking up 90% of my thoughts these days so here it is.  
My knee continues to bother me and I haven't had any improvement the last few weeks.  I've been icing, stretching, resting on repeat and I am still struggling. I've tried KT tape, a brace and multiple chiropractor appointments.  The few short runs I've done the last three weeks ended quickly as my knee hurt pretty badly.  I haven't fully "pushed through" to run because I figured that I'd save any of that for the race day.  
My emotions are mainly just mad.  I feel like I trained so hard, put a huge amount of energy and time into the training and have a hard time not feeling like it was wasted.  I ran faster than I did the other marathon training times and was feeling confident that I would beat my last times by a decent amount.  Now just the thought of finishing seems somewhat impossible.  I'd say stubbornness and determination are one of my top characteristics, but I truly don't know if I'll be able to finish.  
I feel like I've lost all of my mental endurance and even without knee pain I can't imagine running 26.2 miles. My mom thinks that I shouldn't run the race, and that quitting once I start would be harder than not doing it.  But I don't think I could handle not trying.  However, the idea of walking off the course just about kills me.  
In situations like this it is hard for me not to be mad at God, as this seems like just an "easy" fix to heal my knee even if just for race day.  I have a hard time understanding why he would allow this to happen when I've worked so hard.  What I forget is that there are probably countless times a week he protects me from injuries, suffering and who knows what else.  I don't know the times he's saved me from a car accident or protected Addilyn during a fall.  I don't think God picks and chooses what he heals us from and doesn't, but I do think that He allows us to go through hard things to teach us something.  I know life isn't perfect and can't be easy all the time or we wouldn't constantly be needing to reach out to God for help.  
So while right now I'm frustrated and beyond disappointed, I want to trust that God knows everything, even things like my knee pain and how hard I worked for this.  And I want to know that I can get over this and move on and just do the best I can do and be okay with the outcome.  Want is clearly the key word as those things are currently not coming easy for me.  
I'm going to show up on Sunday ready to do the best I can.  To suck up my pride and know that if I don't finish that's okay.  To be proud of myself for all my training and discipline and to know that it wasn't a waste of time.  To remember that despite all the work I did to train, the marathon is just a race.  One race.  One day.  And not any definition of me.  

Pride and Confidence

The other week I was having dinner with my girlfriends and one of my friends made a comment about being able to do something well.  But immediately she said she didn't mean it like that. Another friend commended her for being confident and commented that we often spend so much time bashing ourselves and having low self confidence that it's refreshing to hear someone say something positive about themselves.  
The other day while I was running I was thinking of this conversation.  I wouldn't say I have terribly low self esteem but I definitely don't have great self esteem all the time either.   When I signed up for the marathon I had planned on running the race with a friend, although we'd be doing our training alone as she lives far away. I've done the marathon with a friend once and alone once.  I said I would never do it alone again,  as I didn't enjoy it as nearly as much.  My friend started being able to run much faster than me and I know I won't be able to keep up on race day.  I do not blame her at all for wanting to run as fast as she can but am disappointed and nervous to be running alone.  
The last many weeks I've been feeling frustrated that I can't run faster and I'd finish a run wishing my pace was quicker so I could keep up.  When I was running the other day I was realizing that instead of being proud of myself for finishing my runs I was comparing my time to others and feeling discouraged.  I think when you get in the midst of marathon running and are running so many miles, it's easy to forget what an accomplishment running 9 or 12 or however many miles you do that day.  
Last week at dinner with my girlfriends again, we brought up that conversation and while it sounds kind of cheesy we all went around and said something we were proud of ourselves for.  It was actually really encouraging to hear my friends share what they felt proud of that week.  
I'm proud of myself for all my marathon training.  I'm so proud of myself for running 18 miles this weekend with an average pace of 9:49 and I'm proud for sticking with the training this whole time.  It hasn't been easy for me at all, but I'm doing it and I'm going to be proud of myself every time I run. 

Training with Mama

Addilyn's onesie: Courtney Bock Designs

56 days left until the big day.  Part of me wishes it was next weekend, as at this point I know I could finish even if it meant I was more sore and slower than I'd be with two more months of training.  But I know the training is a much bigger process and commitment than the race itself.  Motivation is the biggest battle, as some days it takes a whole lot to get myself out on a run.  

Here's few things that motivate me lately . . . 

Breaking up my run into smaller chunks mentally.  For my 15 mile run I tell myself I can do 5 miles. After that I get a drink of water and tell myself I can do five more.  And then five more after that.  It is seriously more a mental game than physical for much of the run.  I'm well aware I'm running 15 miles, but by only thinking of five at a time, it feels much more attainable.  

Not thinking passed today.  My biggest struggle is thinking, how could I run another mile?  Whether it's after running five or fifteen, I feel like I can't do more than my given milage.  It's hard not to think about the next week's run and almost impossible to not think about the race day, but I try hard to think about just getting through this run and not another one.

This cute girl.  I know that she will not remember a thing from these months of training or from the marathon day itself.  She won't remember the mornings I was gone running or probably won't be interested in watching the race itself.  But she will remember pictures from the day and you better believe I will be telling her about how her mama worked hard to reach her goal and ran a marathon when she was one.

This adorable onesie is pretty good motivation too.  If I'm going to dress Addilyn in it, I sure as better finish those 26.2 miles.  Her onesie is from Courtney Block Designs, an adorable monogram shop that has all kinds of cute things from jewelry to kids backpacks and pjs and my favorite monogram lace sweatshirt (which is going on my birthday list).  Courtney has been wonderful to work with and she's offering 15% your order using the code LAURENFORLAUREN15.  If I could only make up my mind on a color, I would have already purchased this monogrammed baseball hat.

I can't wait to see her sweet face waiting for me at the finish line, wearing this onesie.  Even more so, I can't wait for the day when Addilyn wants to go on a run with me or when we can cross a finish line together.  She is pretty good motivation.    

Marathon Update

 This shop is part of a social shopper marketing insight campaign with Pollinate Media Group® and Slimfast, but all my opinions are my own. #pmedia #14daystoslim  http://my-disclosur.es/OBsstV

favorite workout clothes:  kohls tank top & old navy running capris 

About a month ago I wrote a post with an update on marathon training.  It's crazy that it's been another month.  Time really is going fast these days! (Hello one year daughter?)  
The other day on my training app it said 85 days until race day.  That no longer seems that far away.  I still have moments of being nervous and questioning signing up to run.  But the longer distances I complete, the more confidence I have that I can do it. 

Speaking of the app, I am still loving it.  There is something really satisfying about seeing your miles rack up. When I passed 100 miles for under two months I felt really proud. 
I find myself here and there getting frustrated with my speed, when I think about how fast others are running. I think the struggle of comparison creeps into many areas of my life.  I need to remind myself that this race is about me and that's it.  
That being said, I'm actually doing pretty good with my goal.  I'd love to run ten minute miles on race day, as that has always been my goal but I did not reach it the first two times.  Really my main goal is to finish, but I'd be extra happy with close to a ten minute mile.  So far I'm on track but there are so many factors that go into race day, so we'll see.  
Healthy eating.  I wrote before that I don't want my running and all my calorie burning to be cancelled out by eating more junk.  Don't get me wrong though, I definitely indulge a little extra on long run days.  Ten mile runs definitely deserves a little (or big) cup of soft serve ice cream.  
But overall, I'm trying to eat healthier.  My biggest weaknesses are sweets and snacking.  I've done really well not eating desserts during the day.  And really the only way this is possible is to not have them in my house.  Hence the after dinner ice cream runs.  
The other issue is snacking.  I'd rather eat snacks all day long then three real meals a day, but I realize that isn't the healthiest option.  One of my favorite snacks is granola bars.  Remember when I gave up sweets for a month?  I would just eat chocolate covered granola bars as a "snack."  Hello cheating? Maybe.  
So I needed to find a better option for a snack that has protein and is more filling than a chocolate covered granola bar.  Plus I also need something that is easy to grab and eat with a baby at my legs. (Someone please tell me how you get pictures like this that aren't blurry thanks to a moving certain somebody.) 

Hello new snack bar.  These Greek Yogurt & Honey bars are delicious and only 110 calories.  I ate one each day for six days straight and was sad when they were gone.  

I remember when I was little my mom drinking Slimfast shakes.  I did not realize there were so many options besides shakes, meal bars and lots of snack options.  Peanut butter chocolate covered bars? Yum. 
Since I'm still nursing and running quite a bit of miles a week, I know it's important to keep up my calories and while I'd love to lose weight training, I want to be careful how I do so.  I think the most important thing is to have healthy, long term habits.  And part of that is finding easy, healthy snacks to eat along the way.  
And speaking of nursing, that is somewhat a concern.  Still nursing away at least four times a day.  I'm not really quite sure how to go about this whole weaning thing and while the marathon seemed far away at the time, it'd be real helpful to not to need nursing "relief" on race day as I'll be away from Addilyn for a good part of the day.   Advice? Tips? Moms? 
So I'm still plugging along.  Mile by mile.  Working on moderation with trying not be crazy and follow the training schedule to a T, indulge a little here are there (and there) and do my best to eat healthy.  And take it day by day.  
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The Wrong Motivation

The other day when I was running I was thinking about why I do certain things.  It probably started because it was a rough run and just about every ten steps I was thinking "Why on earth did I decide to train for and run a marathon?" 
So I started thinking about why I really am running it.  Then why I'm making decorations for Addilyn's birthday party or why I'm spending time fixing up our basement to make it a playroom.  Why I want to buy and wear cute clothes or why I post pictures on instagram or write a blog. 
Sometimes I think there's motivation for those things in hopes of others' approval.  I want to have nice things when people come over, I love it when people compliment me on something I've made or a race I've finished.  I get worried sometimes that my motivation for things is in the wrong place.  I want to know that if no one else was around, would I still be doing most of these things.  Would I run the marathon is no one but Chris knew I finished it?  Would I redo our basement if no one but Addilyn played in it? Would I wear a cute outfit if I wouldn't see anyone I knew? So I started going through my list. 
Running a marathon.  I do go back and forth while I run as to why I am doing this.  I think having a big goal is huge motivation for me to get in shape.  I know having something that is just about me and not me and Addilyn is good and healthy for me.  To have time by myself and doing something that I (not all the time) but usually enjoy.  
When is comes to making projects, whether for our basement or Addilyn's party or whatever, I truly do enjoy doing it.  I am happy when I am sitting on the floor with my glue gun or at my sewing machine.  I love the feeling of finishing a project or accomplishing something I thought of making.  
Wearing cute clothes.  When I think about this one it's really pretty shallow.  Truth is I feel way more comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt these days and they often seem much more practical.  I feel good about myself when I get dressed for real, but wearing accessories, cute shoes or a nicer outfit seems like too much work these days.  
Of course with these and other things, I love compliments and approval from others (I don't know who doesn't) but I want to be more aware of why I do things.  I want to not find my worth is what others think of me or what I do or don't do.  I know ultimately my worth lies in God and nothing else.  I think God gives us blessings in things that make us happy, like running or making crafts, and wants us to enjoy those things.  But I surely don't want those things to be a source of worth.  
I was thinking about this verse the other day and that sometimes I'm putting my treasure in the wrong things. I know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to run a race, fix up my basement or want to look nice.  But I want to put my worth is something that will last far longer than my running legs or cute pillows.  
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21

Marathon Update

I am in official marathon training mode.  One week down.  Seventeen more to go. 
My emotions go back and forth between excitement and "what was I thinking?"  They can change by the minute while I'm running.  
Today I ran before Chris left for work and he asked how many miles and I said "just three."  Which is a good sign that three is becoming "just three."  And it felt short and relatively easy.  Victory.  Victory.  

I've been using the hal higdon marathon training app and I really like it.  $10 well spent.  I've never run with a GPS during training before and I'm not sure why not.  It tells you your pace and distance and how many calories you've burned, which is really helpful when you can rationalize eating two desserts that night.  I love looking at all the miles I've done so far and get excited thinking about looking at in a few months from now.   The only thing not good about this is my OCD with wanting to cross off each training day.  I'm going at this training knowing I won't be able to do each day and don't want to be as intense with checking days off the list as I was the last times.  This app makes me want to though.  
Speaking of second desserts, I am determined to eat healthier during these next few months.  When I trained for the marathon the other two times I maybe lost two pounds.  One reason is I think your body gets used to running and running and doesn't have to work as hard.  There's no guessing in what you're doing, so your body gets used to it.  (Unlike doing P90x, which I did one summer and lost more weight doing that, as I think you're targeting all muscles and doing a variety of things.)  However the other reason is because I justified eating way more.  Second dinner before a long run day?  Yep.  Junk food after a long run?  Yes.  Now you better believe me that I will reward myself with some extra desserts and will be eating more to fuel up for big runs.  BUT I want to eat healthy overall and if I'm putting my body and energy into training, I want to reap some benefits of it and not cancel it out by eating crappy. 

Shoes.  Not sure if it's because I'm out of shape, old or that my shoes suck, but my ankles and knees have been bothering me.  I've always always been an asics fan and love the look of these shoes, but may need to try out another pair.  I'm not sure if they're supportive enough. 
I don't always listen to music when I run because I like it quiet sometimes.  However I do think I run faster with music and as the runs get longer I think I need it.  I've been listening to Pandora and usually have it on Katy Perry station, which has good upbeat, run worthy songs.  I only have to give the thumbs down every so often.  

I apologize if my running pics on instagram get annoying.  But it gives my over Addilyn sharing a break, plus it actually is good motivation to run and run faster if I'm going to be sharing it.  And it's some good, needed encouragement received after.   Thank goodness for instagram filters though.  

Not another mile

I forgot how there are so many lessons you can learn through running.  I think the last ten months I've been so caught up in my new role as a mom and really as not much else, that I've forgotten that there are things to learn and realizations that can come from something other than motherhood.  

My official marathon training doesn't start until next week but the first long run is six miles, and my very out of shape self has been trying to work up to be ready for that.  When I did the marathon two other times I was already in decent shape and the six miles to start didn't seem so daunting.  In the past few weeks I've done five miles twice and it's been pretty hard.  

But to be honest each run has been pretty hard.  I remember running three miles, or even eight during the training before and it feeling relatively easy.  I know I am only at the start but each run has been a battle already. Physically and mentally.  I've said before that I think running a marathon is just as much, if not more of a mental challenge than it is a physical one.  I think this time the balance between the physical challenge and mental challenge will be much more equal.  

The thing is though that no matter how many miles I've done, two, three, four or five, it's been hard.  And I feel like I couldn't run another mile.  When I'm done with five I get discouraged thinking there is no way I could do 26.  But I've finished three and felt the exact same way.  I think if I have it set in my head how much I'm going to run, I feel done and exhausted when I get there. 

I think that is so true with things in life too.  Some days feel really hard.  Often I feel like a baby thinking about how I'm exhausted after a day with Addilyn when I know there are so many others with more kids, crazier lives and that I shouldn't feel tired or overwhelmed.  But this is what I know and some days are hard. 

I think often you feel maxed out with whatever circumstances or challenges you've been given.  Being one kid or four kids, two miles or ten.  Which is a testament that God isn't going to give you more than you can handle.  I can't imagine having twins, but I know that if I did I'd figure it out and we would survive just fine.  I also can't imagine if Chris traveled all the time for work but I know again, we would figure it out and would find joy in the circumstances we've been given.  

My personality is always wanting to plan ahead and think about what is coming next.  How will we handle finances if Chris loses more clients?  Or what will I do about work if we aren't making enough money?  How am I possibly going to run 26.2 miles in four and half months?  

I want to have a better mindset of taking life, stress and running as a day by day, run by run process.  Today I am handling what I've been given just fine and I know I can continue to do so.  Just like if I can beat five miles today, even though I'm a sweaty, winded mess, I'll be able to beat 6 miles next week and then 7 the week after.   

Day by day.  Run by run.