. . . for Lauren and Lauren: The best I can do

October 9, 2014

The best I can do

I had no intentions to write another post about the marathon after last week, but turns out that it taking up 90% of my thoughts these days so here it is.  

My knee continues to bother me and I haven't had any improvement the last few weeks.  I've been icing, stretching, resting on repeat and I am still struggling. I've tried KT tape, a brace and multiple chiropractor appointments.  The few short runs I've done the last three weeks ended quickly as my knee hurt pretty badly.  I haven't fully "pushed through" to run because I figured that I'd save any of that for the race day.  

My emotions are mainly just mad.  I feel like I trained so hard, put a huge amount of energy and time into the training and have a hard time not feeling like it was wasted.  I ran faster than I did the other marathon training times and was feeling confident that I would beat my last times by a decent amount.  Now just the thought of finishing seems somewhat impossible.  I'd say stubbornness and determination are one of my top characteristics, but I truly don't know if I'll be able to finish.  

I feel like I've lost all of my mental endurance and even without knee pain I can't imagine running 26.2 miles. My mom thinks that I shouldn't run the race, and that quitting once I start would be harder than not doing it.  But I don't think I could handle not trying.  However, the idea of walking off the course just about kills me.  

In situations like this it is hard for me not to be mad at God, as this seems like just an "easy" fix to heal my knee even if just for race day.  I have a hard time understanding why he would allow this to happen when I've worked so hard.  What I forget is that there are probably countless times a week he protects me from injuries, suffering and who knows what else.  I don't know the times he's saved me from a car accident or protected Addilyn during a fall.  I don't think God picks and chooses what he heals us from and doesn't, but I do think that He allows us to go through hard things to teach us something.  I know life isn't perfect and can't be easy all the time or we wouldn't constantly be needing to reach out to God for help.  

So while right now I'm frustrated and beyond disappointed, I want to trust that God knows everything, even things like my knee pain and how hard I worked for this.  And I want to know that I can get over this and move on and just do the best I can do and be okay with the outcome.  Want is clearly the key word as those things are currently not coming easy for me.  

I'm going to show up on Sunday ready to do the best I can.  To suck up my pride and know that if I don't finish that's okay.  To be proud of myself for all my training and discipline and to know that it wasn't a waste of time.  To remember that despite all the work I did to train, the marathon is just a race.  One race.  One day.  And not any definition of me.  

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Alana Christine said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm sorry you're so down. I think it would be worse to not try, after you've worked so hard, than to try and potentially have to walk off the course. Any amount of that marathon is more than most people can do (I struggle to do two miles).

Either way, try to stay positive and rely on God.

Erika said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Good luck! Sounds really tough... I have no idea what I would do in your situation. My sister has been training for this marathon for months - it will be her first full marathon. I will be thinking of both of you on Sunday!

two birds said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I know how hard this must be after working and training so hard! I think you need to try. You will probably regret it more if you don't try! But I also don't want you to hurt yourself any more than you already have. It's a tough decision, but ultimately you will do what you need to do and what is right for you and, really, that is all you can do! No one is going to look down on you whatever decision you make and you should be proud of yourself for even getting this far! Good luck with everything. I hope your knee feels better soon! xoxo.

Carol Hines said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Katie Jane, I didn't say you shouldn't run. I just know how hard it is for you to stop even if you should. I want you to run, and I want you to be ok even if you don't finish and I will be there to support you no matter what! Your determination is inspiring and motivating. I am looking forward to Sunday!

The Lady Okie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Ha! I love your mom's comment. Busted! ;)
So, I'm sorry to hear this. I can completely understand how you could feel like all of this training was a waste of time, but it so wasn't. I actually just read a blog post earlier this week from someone who is running 26.2 this weekend and how she doesn't feel physically ready. And she said that positive thoughts and being your own cheerleader is really helpful to push you past the hard spots. So as best you can, think positively. And IF it turns out that you have to take a DNF, know that many solid athletes have had to take them before. And you can still be really proud of yourself for all you've accomplished. In other news, that shirt is awesome.

steph mcdaniel said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh katie, please don't feel down. I have run 9 marathons and it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT TIME YOUR FINISH, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU FINISH. My last marathon I was 14 weeks pregnant and I walked most of it, I enjoyed it and finished just shy of 8 hours. I got a medal and I finished. It does not matter and no one is judging you except yourself. Please enjoy it and stop to give the kids on the sidelines high fives. You can do it. Every step you take during this race is one step closer to the finish.

Mrs Gray said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Definitely go out and give it your best! You'll regret it if you don't. Praying you get through it with ease--as much ease as comes in a marathon, anyway!

Linnea said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Go give it your best! You have worked so hard. I had to walk off a marathon course before after mile 13. It sucked but I was glad I did what I could given my injury and weather. You will be great!! So proud of you.

Nicole @ Haute Runner said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Good luck tomorrow! Give it a go and if it isn't meant to be, then that's ok. It's frustrating but you have gotten through worse ;)

Thinking of you and sending a million healthy knee vibes!