The cross was enough

Last Sunday we went to church and we had been having a really good weekend.  Chris and I went out to his work party on Friday night, Saturday I got to go to a movie with my sister in law.  Chris took Addilyn swimming at the Y and was almost done cooking dinner when I got home.  We had friends over, our house was relatively clean and dinner was delicious.  Sunday morning I had the somewhat rare occasion where I loved what I was wearing, and felt good about myself.  Despite Addilyn crying when we dropped her off at nursery I felt good that we were at least there, when it's easy for me to find excuses not to come because I hate that she cries during the service.  
All in all, I was feeling pretty good about us.  
Worship is one of my favorite parts of church, maybe my most favorite.  I often get emotional as we sing songs and I think about getting my heart right with God.  We started singing the song Jesus, Son of God and got to the line the cross was enough.  Over and over we sang it.  
I started thinking about what makes me feel good about life.  This morning it was having time with just Chris and I, having time with my sister in law, finding an outfit I felt good in, and feeling like this weekend we had our stuff together.  But none of that really matters.  
God didn't forgive me for all my sin because I had a nicely decorated house or because our family had a fun weekend together.  It's easy for me to find my happiness in other things.  And there's nothing wrong with those things, but I realized I was basing a lot of my attitude lately on how I felt about our circumstances.  
I want the cross to be enough for me.  To find my fulfillment in what God has done for me and who His is, not what I am doing.  Not in my circumstances or not in how well I can control things.  
On the altar of our praise, let there be no higher name Jesus son of God You laid down your perfect life You are the sacrifice Jesus Son of God
Be lifted higher than all you've overcome Your name be louder than any other song There is no power that can come against your love
The cross was enough The cross was enough 

Last Thursday

Sometimes it's hard to understand why God has us go through certain things in life.  Why he has us go through things that make us worry.  Hard things that make us lose sleep, cry or sick to our stomach.  
Last week was one of those weeks for me.  We took Addilyn for a few tests Thursday morning and I was anxious to hear back.  We thankfully got a call later that night that everything came back normal.  I can't tell you how grateful I felt and still feel.  (Now we're looking at much less scary things for the case of her low weight gain and cough.) 
I don't think we always know why God has us experience certain things or go through trials.  But I think maybe a big reason God had us go through this is for me to realize again the power of prayer and the amount of people I have in my life that love us and pray for us.  There have been many times in my life where I've felt lonely and like I don't have deep, meaningful friendships.  My biggest struggles in middle school, high school and even some college years were with friends.  Today I feel incredibly blessed with friendships.  I sent out lots of texts or emails letting my friends know about Addilyn's tests the next day.  I shared about it on this blog and on my facebook page.  All of the comments, texts and emails I got made me feel so loved and cared for.  After I got the call from the nurse I realized how many people I had to text to tell them the news and thank them for praying and I just felt so blessed.  
I felt anxious the night before and on our drive to the hospital.  But as we were going through the tests I felt much more peace than I thought I would.  I think part of that is realizing that if I a nervous mess or crying, Addilyn would do so much worse.  But I know the biggest part of that is that God answered my prayers and everyone elses.  
There's times I debate about my blog.  I post an outfit photo and get a handful of comments and think "eh. Is this worth it?" There's times I leave after hanging out with friends and second guess things I said or wonder what others think about me.    But then.  I share my heart and a concern for Addilyn and get encouragement and prayer and support and I am beyond thankful for this community and the community in my daily life.  
So hello sappiness post.  But I mean it will all my heart.  I got teary eyed after I put Addilyn to bed Thursday night.  Feeling so relieved about her negative tests.  And feeling beyond grateful for this season of life I am in where I feel full of friendships.  Friendships in my day to day life and friendships through this online community.  
Thank you.  

When you let it in . . .

 

It's a slippery slippery slope when you start letting anxiety creep in.  
We had Addilyn's one year check up (a month late) last week.  We had some worries earlier on with her weight, but chalked it up to her being pretty sick around six months, throwing up often and not eating a lot because of it.  For a month or so I got pretty anal about her eating, offering her food all the time and weighing her on our scale.  My worries were subsided when we went in for a weight check six weeks later and she gained a little weight.  I decided I was making myself crazy and worked hard to not be worried about it.  
So I was surprised at her appointment when she had hardly gained any weight the last three months and has continued to drop in percentile over the last six months.  I know the doctor is just trying to cover her basis, but that combined with a pretty constant nightly cough, she brought up some scary causes and seemed more concerned than I had expected.  She wants us to do a few tests to get the scary stuff out of the way and check for other more common things as well.  
I know the chances of her having a serious disease are so slim, but to put that thought in my mind is terrifying. When I let a heavy, anxious thought creep in, it's so hard for me to fight off others. The next day I was running and was worrying about the what ifs, and the thoughts of something being wrong with Addilyn.  Although nothing to do with it, I started thinking about our scary incident when Addilyn passed out after falling a month ago.  It took awhile for me to get that image out of my mind, but there it was back again. Over and over.  
In that moment I was so aware of how Satan tries to sneak his way into my thoughts.  To make me feel scared of the future, doubt God's protection and feel anxious.  I don't think there is anything wrong with being nervous or wanting to find out answers and feeling unsettled.  I think those are the times that God uses circumstances to draw us closer to him.  But I do think it's wrong when you let your worry be stronger than your trust for God.  I struggle with letting anxiety take over my thoughts. I forget God's truths and feel overwhelmed with worst case scenarios.  
It was a reminder that I need to cover myself with God's truths.  I want to be able to fight off my worries with His word and protect myself from going down that slippery slope of fear and anxiety.  Over and over again I've seen God answer my prayers, calm my worries and take care of my family.  And I know he will continue to do so over and over.  

Giving In

 tee: shade clothing maternity     pants: walmart     scarf: gap

First thing:  I don't want this post to sound like I answered the interview question: "What is your weakness?" with "I just don't know when to stop working," or "I love the kids too much and take my work home with me."  Because I truly do this to a fault and will hopefully communicate what I am trying to work on. 
I have a very hard time giving into things.  I've always been really stubborn and disciplined and I think that can be a good thing and has.  A good thing when training for a marathon or working really hard at my job.  A good thing with exercising daily and working on the relationships around me. 
But a really poor thing when I try to control everything.  
This pregnancy has challenged me with a whole new level of giving in and it's starting to give me anxiety because I'm not doing it.  Even with little things like giving myself a break with not stressing out about what I eat, how often I'm not exercising and how much weight I'm gaining.  I need to give in to what my body needs to do, and do so with an attitude that this is what I need to do and to be content with it.  

But on a greater note I'm feeling less in control of the future than I ever have.  I don't know what it will look like to be a mom.  I don't have the answers of how Chris and I are going to adapt well and quickly to parenthood.  I don't know the exact time I'm going to go back to work, or how insurance is going to work out.  I can't control how much money Chris makes in his business.  
I'm failing quite miserably at giving in to a future that I can not control.  You may think that I would have learned this already, as I've written multiple posts about giving God control.  But here I am today filled with anxiety about what our future will look like.  My stubbornness and desire for everything to be in order are making me fearful and emotional.  
So I am working on giving in to my body, my relationship with Chris, our finances and our future changing.  Handing over my stubbornness and control and having confidence that God will take care of it.  

Arms High

I wrote this post in the Fall, soon after we had some scary complications with our pregnancy.  I wrote about my tendenacy and desire to want to hold everything I loved as close as I could, as if I was the one that could protect them and keep them safe.  I knew God was teaching me this big lesson of surrendering and letting Him hold all the things I treasure, because they are His.  
Well here I am learning that same lesson again.  Two weeks ago my mom went in for a routine test and they found that one of her valves in her heart was leaking significantly and that she will need open heart surgery. 
I know that open heart surgery has become a common procedure and being that she is young and healthy she should be okay. But my mind couldn't help go to the worst, as I can't even begin to fathom life without my mom.  For days the tiny thought of it would bring me to full tears. 
I was sitting in our baby room, crying one day, thinking about how I wish I could keep my mom from doing anything that could make her heart worse, keep her healthy, and keep her from needing surgery.  A little too slowly I was reminded of the lesson God showed me back in November.  

My mom is such an amazing woman.  She is beautiful, has a positive attitude, is an example of a Godly woman with a strong faith. She was telling me not to worry and that God was in control. (Sounds like a wonderful mom thing, right? Encouraging and comforting me when this is happening to her.)  I fully believe that, but it is still scary as even though God is in control, tough and painful things still happen and it's hard for me not to worry about the future.
But as I learned in November, my hands can do nothing to protect my mom.  As I was sitting in our baby room that day, I knew God was teaching me to open my hands and give Him control over the things I love the most.  My mom being right near the top of my list.  
In church on Sunday we sang this song: 
I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned In awe of the one who gave it all. 
My soul Lord to you surrendered All I have is yours. 
And I was reminded again, that I need to stop wanting to hold the things I love myself and open my arms and surrender them to God.  Surrender my fears, the future, my mom and this whole process.  
God is in control and I trust in Him. 

Our story

The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey though infertility, seems surreal to me.  There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.

There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.

There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful.

But I don't think that it is one or the other.

The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person.  A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans.  But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before.

All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that.

Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant.  There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical.  Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby."  For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men.  Far from anything romantic or personal.

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me.  A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends.  The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful.  Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF.  It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.

I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process.  As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked.  While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband.

I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon.  As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining.  And how I can't imagine doing it again.  The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again.  It all was worth it.



I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there.  But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it.

I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story.  I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby.  But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here.  I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.

The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing.  Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.

I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here.  However it may be that brought us to this point.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:27

A Surreal Moment

I'm not quite sure what happened, since I look way more pregnant in week 14.  I'm guessing it's a combination of how I'm standing, plus the fact that both of these were in the morning and I look at least twice as pregnant by the evening.

I had a very surreal moment in church this last week.  
There were so many times over the last two years when I would stand during worship and see pregnant woman and couples with babies and just long for that to be me.  There was this one woman who I remember seeing every week, and I just watched her belly grow and then her baby grow.  I would dream of the day when that would be Chris and I in church. 
I remember clearly a few weeks after our early miscarriage in August, we sang the song "Blessed be your name" which is one of my favorites.  But one that I hadn't truly taken to heart until that point.  One of the lines is: 
"You give and take away, You give and take away.  My heart will choose to say.  Lord blessed be your name."  
I was pregnant with a baby I thought I would have and then I wasn't.  But I was working on, with everything in my heart, to still say "Blessed be your name."  I couldn't sing much of that song, as I was fighting the tears from streaming down.  
On Sunday we sang that same song.  And I fought back tears again.  But not out of pain, but of joy.    "Blessed be your name. When the suns shining down on me.   When the world's all as it should be. Blessed be your name."  
I looked down at my little belly, with my baby growing.  Our baby.  Here I was standing in church praising God and blessing his name for this miracle and time of joy in our life.  

And the fact that I get to sign that sweet letter your mom?
God is so good.  Blessed be His name.  

One Word

First I have to say that I don't think it is possible to put into words how much I loved and appreciated your excitement for our big news.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me how excited you are, how you've been praying and will continue to pray, and all your sweet words.  There is no doubt that I am a lucky.  Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot of this last year and all the things that God has taught me.  I've learned so much and have grown more this year than any other year in my life.  I want to make an effort to use what God has taught me to be a different person.  A person who loves and trusts God deeper.

I love the idea of focusing on a word for the year.  I spent a lot of time thinking about a word the represents an area that I know God has been testing me in and something I can apply to this coming year.

I choose SURRENDER.

source

I mentioned it on Thursday night, but we had a really rough start to our pregnancy.

The day before Thanksgiving we got to see our 5 1/2 week old baby's heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I truly don't know if I've been happier before.

Friday afternoon, I went shopping with my sisters and started bleeding really heavily.  It was honestly the scariest moment, as I thought that I was losing our baby that we had prayed for, for so long.

We rushed to the doctor's office and through complete panic and lots of tears on our end, the ultrasound technician found our baby's heartbeat.  But also found a really large hemorrhage, which was causing the bleeding.

They put me on bed rest and I spent the next four weeks waiting, on bedrest, hoping and praying that our baby would be okay and that my body would heal.  Each doctor appointment was a tiny bit of progress but every day felt so uncertain.

We waited for two years to get pregnant and I had thought once we heard our baby's heartbeat the waiting would be over.  As if I surrendered my control of getting pregnant but was still holding on to how I thought the rest of the process should go.

When I think about all the things that I love the most they are Chris, my family, and now my little baby.  The things that make me feel secure are my house, my savings account and my job.  There is this big part of me that wants to hold on to these things as tight as I can and not let them far from me.

When I felt like I was going to lose our baby I honestly pictured myself wanting to hold him in my hands, as close as I can to keep him safe for the next eight months.  I picture myself putting all these things I love in a room, shutting the door and holding them, as if that could keep them safe.  As if my protection is bigger than a God who is bigger than this world.

I want this year to be a year where I stop holding on tight to the things I love and the things that make me feel safe.  I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears and my feelings of uncertainties.

Because He will always be bigger than those things and I want them all to be held in His hands and not mine.

I want to give up my control, my fears, plans and worries and SURRENDER.

Not for a Moment

"Tears are falling, hearts are breaking, how we need to hear from God. You've been promised, we've been waiting. Welcome Holy Child. Welcome Holy Child."

My heart is heavy today as I think of all the families and people in Connecticut.  And thinking of them daily trying to sort through this terrible nightmare.  

And then my thoughts have been consumed with the events of this last year.

It has been a rough year and a year filled with heart ache for so many of our friends and family.

This year I watched a best friend go through finding out her mom has breast cancer, and then surgery and treatments.

Another good friend find out her dad has advanced brain cancer. 

I've experienced Chris and I's immediate family lose 3 grandparents. 

Chris and I have gone through so many hard trials through our infertility journey.  

My sister was diagnosed with Lyme's disease and was really sick for many months. 

This last year I've watched a good friend lose her dad suddenly. 

Another close friend go through a tragic and painful loss of her baby far along in her pregnancy.

It's crazy to me how Chris and I had been married for over six years and had really dealt with no major heartbreaks or trials like this.   And then looking back on this last year it feels like they kept on coming.  This year I've watched my friends grieve things that I feel should not happen to anyone.  

Sometimes it is hard to not walk around thinking about how sad and hard life is.  And how so many people are hurting.  And that sometimes life seems unfair.  I know it's hard for some to question where God is in all of this and how this can all be part of His plan. 

We sang this song in church on Sunday and I've been listening to it and reading the words over and over.  

Clinging to the truth that God will never forsake us.

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,
Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.
Even when I could not hear.
I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show,
Not for a moment did You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.
Every tear, every cry, every breath.
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it’s hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

The world is full of terrible things.  Hard trials.  Unbearable pain. 

But God is present and is there. 

I know that there are seasons in your life.

Seasons of joy and happiness and seasons of pain and heartbreak.

I'm thankful for such a long season of joy that Chris and I have had for most our marriage and am excited for that to happen again because I know it will.  

And I know it will for my friends that are hurting.  And for the people in Connecticut.   

We can't understand why things like this happen and that's where faith comes in.
Faith in a God that has a plan.
In a Heaven that is free from pain.
And in a God that will never forsake us.  Not for a moment.

*Thank you Cassidy for letting me share your beautiful voice.  I've listened to you sing it countless times in the last few days. 

Blessings and Curses

jacket: old navy (similar)   shirt: tjmaxx (similar)  tee: target  

Do you ever read something insightful, hear good advice or encouragement and kind of wish you didn't hear it because you know it applies directly to you? 

Because sometimes it is really hard to believe and live out that advice. 

That is how I've been feeling after I read the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequiest. 

I had read this book awhile ago and wanted to read it again, as I felt like it would be applicable during this stage in my life.  And I was right. 

In a chapter about blessings and curses, Shauna writes about a friend's hardships and how it seemed like God was being cruel that year, but how she knew that he was not. 

"What I know now is that his (God's) kindness burns through the deepest betrayals and invites life from death every chance we let him.  There are things the explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else.  They are the most precious kinds of blessings." 

I find myself many mornings having a mini pity party for myself as I have started a new round of fertility treatments. 

My mornings involve lots of different medicines and my breaks at school involve insurance phone calls and dr. appointments, my blog rolls and facebook feeds are filled with pregnancy updates and announcements and my thoughts are constantly filled with anxiousness and uncertainty for the future. 

There are many days I look at this current place I'm in and feel as though it isn't fair.  

And it is easier to be upset and annoyed at this place where God has me.  

But I have a choice daily. 

". . . but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair and that thing is beautiful.  You don't want it to be beautiful, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up.  But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing - a beautiful, delicate, blessing." 

While I can see some blessings that have come from this trial, I have yet to see this season of our life as beautiful, but I am waiting.  I know some day I will get there and that gives me hope. 

While I fail all the time, I am working on this daily. 

 Daily choosing to accept this place where God has me, and daily searching for the blessings in all this.  

Update

I usually let posts like this sit in my drafts file for awhile, but I'm ready to process this and do whatever I can to move forward.  

I'm not sure why I always hesitate to write about this on my blog.  

Friends that I have met through talking about this have become one of the greatest blessings from this struggle. 

I guess I fear sounding as if I'm ungrateful for all the good things in my life, or as if this is the worst thing that I could be going through. 

But the truth is - It is hard and painful. Writing about it, finding others who are dealing with it, and receiving encouragement has made it easier. So as cautious as I am sometimes to share, I'm going to keep doing it. 

Right after I wrote this post I found out that I was pregnant.  My blood results were positive, and although still cautious we were thrilled.  We were actually in shock that I could really be pregnant.

Two days later I went in to make sure my numbers were doubling and sadly they had barely gone up.  The day after, I went in again and they started going down, which means that I was having a chemical pregnancy.

Those three days were an emotional roller coaster that I hope to never experience again.

This is the first time I have really felt angry about this whole situation. 

In the past my feelings were primarily sad, scared and tired of the whole thing.

But this time, I felt mad too. 

Mad that God let me feel pregnant for three days. 

Mad that I started planning out my pregnancy, due date, how and when we'd tell people. . . . . . 

Mad that I told my family and a few close friends, only to tell them I wasn't pregnant two days later.

Mad that I had to pay $90 that week just to find out I wasn't pregnant.

Mad that I had to do weeks and weeks of shots and medicine for nothing. 

Mad that Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate that night. 

Mad that I'm not sure when the time is to take a break from this and when to keep going.

and mad that SO many people were praying for me and that I'm still not pregnant. 

Faith isn't perfect, and mine is far from it.

While it was a struggle, I'm still giving glory to God for I know in my heart His plan is best.

I'm thankful for a God that loves us when we're mad and don't understand His plan.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me even though I feel hurt and confused.

I'm thankful for a God that has blessed me with a family that cares and loves me more than I can understand.

I'm thankful for a God that wraps His arms around me while I wait to feel His peace.

I'm thankful for a God that will never leave me and will continue to draw me near, even more when I am sad and broken.  

All Glory

denim shirt: old navy   skirt: old navy (similiar)   necklace: ebay

I don't think there has been a recent Sunday when there wasn't a worship song that brought tears to my eyes, as they seem to be exactly what I need to hear.
Lately this worship song has been playing over and over in my mind. 

Let your kingdom come, and your will be done

Here on earth as it is in heaven.

And to your renown hear our hearts cry out

singing holy is the Lord.

All glory,

All honor, 

are yours alone forever.

What does giving God all the glory look like?

I have a pretty easy time giving glory to God when good things come. 

When I got my teaching job, when I feel extra blessed by my family, when I think about how much I love my house or how much my marriage has grown this last year. 

But to give God the glory when things don't go the way I want? 

Now that is something I struggle to do, 

but have been learning this year. 

My biggest prayer as we go through another round of fertility treatments is that whatever the outcome is,
 I give the glory to God.  

No doubt that if I get pregnant that will come easily.
The thought of giving glory to God if I'm not pregnant honestly scares me.
Mostly because I have a hard time picturing what that will look like. 

But I I do feel confident that even if I'm not pregnant, although as devastated as I'll be,

 I will be able to give glory to God. 

All glory, 

All honor, 

are yours alone forever. 

call me blessed   on your heart Tuesday

Not yet

 

 skirt and shirt: target  shoes: payless 

Sometimes I feel silly posting outfit pics when I write about serious topics. 

But hey, I still get dressed those days so why not?

I hesitate to write about this again, as I feel as though I could sound like a broken record. 

But I realize that most people deal with the same problem for a long time. 

That, unfortunately, is just life. 

This problem is one that I truly thought we wouldn't have to deal with ever.  Once we started this journey through infertility, I thought we wouldn't have to deal with it long. 

Last week Chris and I found out that we are not pregnant, again.

The last treatment, even with the highest success rate didn't work.

By far, I had the most invested in this last round. 

Physically, emotionally, and mentally I spent all of June doing whatever I could to make this work.  

I felt like that was my whole life for a month and consumed my thoughts all day. 

It's hard to not feel like I wasted a month of my summer.   

I'm quickly reminded again that this is so far out of my control. 

Even out of the doctor's control. 

And that is frustrating. 

Frustrating to know that there nothing I can physically do, to get me pregnant. 

All I can do is pray that God would grant me the desire to have my own baby someday.  

A good friend of mine told me that God placed a strong desire in my heart to be a mother and that He will fulfill it someday. 

Throughout the month of June, on a daily basis my emotions would go from feeling hopeful and excited about the future, to feeling disappointed, sad and hopeless about being a mom someday.
Lately it's hard to not spend most of the day feeling the later.   

I'm getting tired, worn down and scared as I am waiting for my someday.  

But I am thankful that even though this is completely out of my control, that I can trust in a God who knows my heart, my desires and my future.  

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29: 11

 

On your Heart Tuesdays   Cup Half Full

I'll be happy when . . . . .

dress: H & M  shoes: target

Sometimes I have thoughts that I need certain things in life to make me truly happy.  

I read this post by Shauna Niequist and it really made me think about what I do so often without really thinking about it.  

I find myself putting so much pressure on certain things, 

that I feel if they happen then my life will be perfect, like . . . 

I'll be happy when I'm get pregnant.  

I'll be happy when Chris gets a job that pays more money and allows him to not travel. 

I'll be happy if I feel more confident in how I look or in my abilities.  

By thinking these things I am saying that God and the place where he has me in life is not enough. 

I think God does put certain desires in our hearts, but I think the problem is when I think I need that answer in order to be happy. 

My happiness and joy should not be resting in these things but in the fact that I have a God that loves me and knows my every need and will fill my life with exactly what I need in His timing.  

I want Him to be enough to make me filled with joy.  

On your Heart Tuesday    Call me Blessed

Life on a Misson

Someday . . . .

 shirt: discovery  pants: express  shoes: target

Someday I will get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. 

Someday I will not have to fight the jealousness in my heart as I watch my friends get pregnant and have babies.  

Someday I'll make crafts, projects and buy baby things for my own baby.  

Someday we won't be praying every night for a baby, but will be praying for a baby we have. 

Someday when we talk about what we'll name our babies it will be because we have one on the way.

Someday my strong desire to be a mom will be fulfilled.

Someday this will all just be part of our story. 

. . . and hopefully someday very soon I will be pregnant and we will hold a baby of our own.

In the next few weeks Chris and I will start our next phase to try to get pregnant.
The chances of it being successful are high, as well as our hopes, but I know that God is the one who is ultimately in control of it all. 

I'm feeling nervous and scared to start the process again, 

but excited that this could be the end of our struggle and the start of our family.

I'm daily working to give it up to God and am thankful for his control and comfort in our lives.

On your heart Tuesdays   Life on a Mission

Regardless

 

shirt: old navy  dress: tjmaxx  shoes: kohls

A few weeks ago when I was having a rough week, a good friend dropped off a package with this beautifully framed poem in it.
The words were perfect and comforting and I've read it over and over again.  

Regardless of the circumstance, 

Regardless of the fear.

Regardless of the pain we bear, 

Regardless of the tear. 

Our God is in control 

Performing as he should, 

and he has promised in His word

to work things out for our good. 

But as a loving Father would, 

He sometimes let's us cry,

To cleanse the hurt from our heart, 

To wash it from our eye. 

Yet he gently gathers our tears, 

within His hands to stay, 

Until he turns them into jewels, 

and gives them back someday.  

I realized what a huge impact this small gift had on how I felt.  It made me feel comforted, loved and encouraged.  It has encouraged me to look for opportunities to make someone else feel the same way.   One of the blessings of the trials from this year is that I'm learning how to better love and encourage those who may be suffering.  

After reading this post, I love the idea about having goals for the week regarding how to make those around you feel loved.  This week I want to make it my goal to go out of my way to make someone feel loved and special, like my friend did for me.  

Cup Half Full   On your heart Tuesday
call me blessed   life on a mission

a jealous heart

vest: Old Navy  shirt: Rue 21  pants: Kohls  shoes: Target 

 Jealousy is a terrible feeling that has started creeping more and more into my life this year. 

The other day I found out that two more of my friends are pregnant.
Two of my friends just had babies, and I was envious of them when I found out they were pregnant.  

Sometimes I even have a hard time looking at a complete stranger who is pregnant without wishing that it was me.

 and I hate that I feel that way.

This last weekend Chris and I got to get away for a night and I was realizing how happy I am when it is just me and him.  When I remove us from everything around us I feel happier and more content with where God has us in life.  

Sometimes I think life would be easier if it were just the two of us, and I wasn't comparing my life to anyone else.  I find myself basing my happiness on what I lack or where my life is not, compared to those around me.  

Even if there was no one else around us, I still desperately want a baby.  BUT it definitely makes it harder when I see everyone else getting what I so badly want.  

And this comparing and jealousy goes into other areas of life too.  

I absolutely love my house and wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
But when I see the prices and sizes of houses selling now I am often jealous.  

I'm happy and proud of my abilities to do certain things, like running, teaching or even writing this blog.
But when I compare myself to others that do it better, I can get jealous.

I was listening to this song by the Avett Brothers and while I think he's referring to greed with material possessions, I related it to my situation.
(listen to the song here)

I am sick with wantingAnd it's evil and it's dauntingHow I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am sick with wantingAnd it's evil how it's got meAnd everyday is worse than the one beforeThe more I have the more I think:I'm almost where I need to beIf only I could get a little more
I need for somethingNow let me break it down again
Something has me Oh something has me Acting like someone I don't wanna be. 

God has given me countless blessings.
And I want a heart free of jealousy and envy.
I want to be more content with exactly the place in life where God has put me.  While I fail over and over at this, I know that God is working in my heart to trust that He knows what is best for me.

" . . . for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (Phil. 4:11)

Cup Half Full