Needy baby . . . Needy mama

The week before Thanksgiving was a rough week for us in the Vale house.  After Chris being sick for many days, Addilyn must have caught his bad cold.  We had about five days in a row of coughing, snotty nose, tears, fussiness, and sleepless nights. One night I think I got about two hours of broken up sleep.  That night I moved from laying next to her rock n play to the recliner on the couch, back to the rock n play and then to the bed in hopes of keeping her asleep for more than an hour.  
We had cancelled plans, and long days in our house.  It's amazing how only five days of not going anywhere or connecting with anyone can leave you feeling quite lonely and unproductive.  I called my sister one afternoon and started crying.  I felt tired and was sad because Chris was going to be gone for the evening and I was feeling anxious about another rough night.  I felt like I hadn't done anything productive in days. I then felt like a baby myself, feeling like I should be able to handle a sick baby better.  I know I'll have many more days ahead like this and was feeling like I shouldn't be having a hard time with this, as I know there will be harder and sicker days to come. 
My wise sister told me that I was doing something so important these last few days.  I was loving on, taking care of and doing whatever my sick baby needed.  Which when you put it that way is an accomplishment.  She told me that it's okay to be crying, to think this is hard and okay to need extra help.  That needy babies mean needy moms.  
I have a new compassion for moms dealing with sick kids.  I want to bring them a coffee, give them a hug and tell them the same encouragement Lauren gave me.  That sick babies are hard, everything else can wait, and that you are doing a great job.

Right there with you

It's hard to explain what this first month has been like.  Part of me feels like its gone fast and other times that the days or more nights seem to be quite long.  I've been thinking a lot lately how Addilyn and I are going through the same thing.  We're tired, needy and trying to figure this whole thing out.    The day we met we were just thrown into life together.  Not knowing each other.  Not knowing what we look like.  What makes us happy.  What makes us cry.  And here we are spending twenty four hours a day together.  Each day getting to know each other better and better, but it takes time.  Time to learn each other's voices, faces and signs.  

The other night I was trying to comfort her and and nothing I was doing was working.  I finally just put her in her bouncy seat and sat down next to her and started crying.  A lot.  I looked at her teary face and just wanted to help her.  And then realized maybe she just needed to cry, like I was.  I wasn't hungry.  I didn't need to go the bathroom.  I wasn't ready to go to bed.  All I needed was to cry.  And maybe a hug.  So I picked her up.  Gave her a hug and kiss and just cried with her.  
I told her that we're figuring this thing out together and that some times it's okay to just cry and that I'll be right there with her.  

Thankful

I wanted to say a truly genuine thank you to those of you that have been reading my blog this last year and a half.  I know I've said it before but when I started this blog I had no idea that I would end up sharing our struggle to get pregnant.  Sharing my story and the blessings that have come from it has the best thing about blogging.  Thank you to the so many of you who have prayed for this baby and sent me many words of encouragement throughout our journey.  It blows me away that people I've never met before care about me and care about my desires to have a family.  I've felt showered in prayers and amazed at the excitement people have had for our baby girl.  So thank you for your prayers, encouragement, support and excitement.  It has truly made such a difference and I feel beyond lucky.  I hope Addilyn knows some day how many people prayed for and waited for her.  

Blue Lights

I will definitely share Addilyn's birth story soon, but have been thinking a lot about our extra stays at the hospital and wanted to share this first. 

The day after Addilyn's birth the pediatrician told us that she had signs of jaundice and after doing blood work found her count to be really high.  They needed to put her under these blue lights to help her numbers to go down.  Thankfully they put the lights in our room that day so she could stay with us.  They continued to test her blood and each time there wasn't much progress so it kept changing to "tomorrow morning you should be able to go home" or "tonight you should be able to go home."  
We got lucky that they let Chris and I stay an extra day in our room even though we were technically discharged.  Addilyn had to spend Tuesday night in the nursery and I could go in just to feed her. After still not much progress she had to stay Wednesday night as well, but Chris and I had to go home. 

Walking out of the hospital without our baby was so hard for me.  I wasn't worried that she would be okay and get over this jaundice but hated the idea of being away from her.  For the majority of our five days at the hospital I could only hold her to feed her, which at times was stressful and did not feel enjoyable for either of us.  I felt like I was missing out on bonding with, holding and loving my new baby.  I felt like I was getting robbed of time to connect with my baby and a "normal" stay after giving birth.  It was so sad to watch her in her little light box with those huge goggles on and not be able to comfort her.  I worried about her feeling attached and connected to me.
One day in the hospital I was thinking about why God would allow this to happen, when it seemed like such an easy fix to have her blood counts go back to normal.  I was trying to figure out what he could be teaching me through all of this and I think it just comes down to the fact that we are not in control and that God always is.  I had prayed for a baby and many times had said nothing else matters as long as I had a baby.  And I did.  I had a healthy, beautiful baby.  I waited years to hold my baby and just had to wait a few extra days.  

As I spent all day Thursday in the nursery with Addilyn, I was reminded how lucky we were as the nursery was filled with these tiny premie babies that had been in the hospital for days, weeks or months.  Our three day extended stay would seem like nothing to those little babies and parents.  Although still really hard it put things into perspective for me. 
Life is not always going to go how you think it should or even feel you deserve it should go.  Things aren't always going to make sense.  There are circumstances where it seems like God could easily fix and make your life so much easier, but He doesn't.  He doesn't because he wants us to constantly be leaning on Him, remembering all the blessings He's given us and never forgetting that rely on Him.

Arms High

I wrote this post in the Fall, soon after we had some scary complications with our pregnancy.  I wrote about my tendenacy and desire to want to hold everything I loved as close as I could, as if I was the one that could protect them and keep them safe.  I knew God was teaching me this big lesson of surrendering and letting Him hold all the things I treasure, because they are His.  
Well here I am learning that same lesson again.  Two weeks ago my mom went in for a routine test and they found that one of her valves in her heart was leaking significantly and that she will need open heart surgery. 
I know that open heart surgery has become a common procedure and being that she is young and healthy she should be okay. But my mind couldn't help go to the worst, as I can't even begin to fathom life without my mom.  For days the tiny thought of it would bring me to full tears. 
I was sitting in our baby room, crying one day, thinking about how I wish I could keep my mom from doing anything that could make her heart worse, keep her healthy, and keep her from needing surgery.  A little too slowly I was reminded of the lesson God showed me back in November.  

My mom is such an amazing woman.  She is beautiful, has a positive attitude, is an example of a Godly woman with a strong faith. She was telling me not to worry and that God was in control. (Sounds like a wonderful mom thing, right? Encouraging and comforting me when this is happening to her.)  I fully believe that, but it is still scary as even though God is in control, tough and painful things still happen and it's hard for me not to worry about the future.
But as I learned in November, my hands can do nothing to protect my mom.  As I was sitting in our baby room that day, I knew God was teaching me to open my hands and give Him control over the things I love the most.  My mom being right near the top of my list.  
In church on Sunday we sang this song: 
I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned In awe of the one who gave it all. 
My soul Lord to you surrendered All I have is yours. 
And I was reminded again, that I need to stop wanting to hold the things I love myself and open my arms and surrender them to God.  Surrender my fears, the future, my mom and this whole process.  
God is in control and I trust in Him. 

Truths and Thoughts

shirt: old navy   dress: forever 21   flats: kohls
The other day Chris was talking about how he was wishing he could call his grandpa and tell him about his new business and our baby.  This last year and half we lost all four of our grandpas.  It's sad for me to think about how we didn't get to tell them we're pregnant and our daughter won't met her great grandpas. I also feel sad that my grandpa isn't here to pray for my baby daily, like he prayed for us to get pregnant.  

In the last week or so more people in my life have found my blog.  And my first response to that is to feel embarrassed and self conscious.   It was over a year before anyone besides my family and a few friends knew I had a blog.  And I'm thankful for that.  It was so nice to not second guess what I wrote or worry about what others may think.  I think this was especially true when it came to posting details about our infertility journey.  Writing things for people you don't see is much easier.  With that being said, I should probably get over it and not worry what others may think but that's easier said than done! 

I've had a hard time with the weight I've gained during this pregnancy and all the changes my body is going through.  Before getting pregnant I worked out every day and with being on bed rest for the most of the first trimester and then not being able to work out the same, it's been hard to feel like I have no control over what is happening with my body.  I'm afraid of gaining too much weight and fear not being able to get back in shape.  And then all these feelings make me feel selfish and ungrateful that I am pregnant and able to carry this baby. 

I always thought Chris would be an amazing dad.  When we first starting trying to get pregnant he was really excited, but I think the waiting we did and what we went through to get pregnant has made him more excited and more ready to be a dad.  The other day he told me that throughout the day he thinks about meeting our daughter and can't wait to hold her.  He asks me every time I'm laying down if she's moving and wants to feel her.  He prayers for her every night and it's so clear that he is already in love with our baby. I have no doubt in my mind that he is going to be the best dad and I'm so thankful for him.  


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Life doesn't always go according to pinterest

sweater, maternity jeans, wedges: target    necklace: groopdealz 

Well I'm sure this is no new news to any of you, but sometimes in life and especially the blog world it's easy to assume that things are always organized, happy and in place for others.  We all know this isn't true but I think it's important to share those non-perfect moments. 
This weekend we started the first phase of getting our nursery ready.  We had to move Chris' home office down to the basement.  This room wasn't just an office, but has been our "extra" room, which just means lots of crap that's been there for too long. 
Chris did the big furniture a few weekends ago and what was left was just piles of random stuff to sort through.  Oh and cobwebs, dust and all sorts of lovely things. 
I got back from running some errands on Saturday morning and he had already done a majority of the work with bags full of garbage and less piles left.  To which I failed to say how happy I was that he started the process while I was gone. 

A few words exchanged and miscommunicated.  Along with a brief conversation about a large shelf on the middle of the wall.  Chris wanted to just leave it there because "we can just put stuff for the baby on there anyway, right?" To which I was too dramatically surprised that he thought it was a good idea to plan all our furniture and decorating around a shelf that was already there.  
I ended up sitting on the floor, sorting through piles in tears.  A few tears may have been justified, but the 20 minutes of tears I'm blaming on pregnancy hormones. 
A few apologies exchanged and things were completely okay.  But let's just say it didn't match up in my mind with this great, exciting and tender starting of our nursery. This moment was far from "instagram" or "pinterest" worthy but this is real life.  
I was thinking about it a lot more the day after and realize I have all these expectations for these exciting things that are coming: registering, preparing the nursery, organizing multiple things in our house, projects and others.  To which I blame part of it on pinterest, blogs and other unrealistic expectations.  Yes, they will be exciting, but yes they will come with their stress, miscommunications and emotions and I'm sure a large amount of them won't get done.    Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to try to do a lot of them, but I don't want my expectations and planning to get in the way of what we are really excited about and that is our sweet baby girl that is coming in July, who be happy and loved regardless of what projects or things I have completed.   

pregnancy self esteem

Want to know how to make your pregnancy self esteem go completely downhill?  

Start looking up and comparing your 17 week baby bump or any week bump to someone else's.  Or read about how much weight others have or really haven't gained by this point.  Because somehow I thought it would be a good idea or help me feel better about this awkward pregnancy stage.  
Well big lesson learned. 
And I feel a little embarrassed to admit this but here is the ugly truth.  I felt jealous and starting wishing that I had this cute, hard little bump rather than feeling like I just look like I gained ten pounds of awkwardness.    I read this pregnant person's blog, who was about as far along as I was, and she was excited and celebrating each pound gained.  In all honesty I wanted to ask her really? Maybe that's because you're a size zero and every pound is placed into a cute little bump on your belly.    And then it was like this slap in the face.  When I realized that I was wishing for something completely superficial, when I have a healthy baby growing inside of me.  A baby that I would do anything for, carry any weight or look however I needed to if it meant he or she would be mine.
So here's to not letting comparisons get in the way of the happiness and joy I have for this baby.  And to knowing that every mama, belly, baby is different.  Probably a good lesson to learn now and try to hold on to throughout this pregnancy and then even after too, as I'm pretty sure that is something all moms and moms-to-be deal with.  

A Surreal Moment

I'm not quite sure what happened, since I look way more pregnant in week 14.  I'm guessing it's a combination of how I'm standing, plus the fact that both of these were in the morning and I look at least twice as pregnant by the evening.

I had a very surreal moment in church this last week.  
There were so many times over the last two years when I would stand during worship and see pregnant woman and couples with babies and just long for that to be me.  There was this one woman who I remember seeing every week, and I just watched her belly grow and then her baby grow.  I would dream of the day when that would be Chris and I in church. 
I remember clearly a few weeks after our early miscarriage in August, we sang the song "Blessed be your name" which is one of my favorites.  But one that I hadn't truly taken to heart until that point.  One of the lines is: 
"You give and take away, You give and take away.  My heart will choose to say.  Lord blessed be your name."  
I was pregnant with a baby I thought I would have and then I wasn't.  But I was working on, with everything in my heart, to still say "Blessed be your name."  I couldn't sing much of that song, as I was fighting the tears from streaming down.  
On Sunday we sang that same song.  And I fought back tears again.  But not out of pain, but of joy.    "Blessed be your name. When the suns shining down on me.   When the world's all as it should be. Blessed be your name."  
I looked down at my little belly, with my baby growing.  Our baby.  Here I was standing in church praising God and blessing his name for this miracle and time of joy in our life.  

And the fact that I get to sign that sweet letter your mom?
God is so good.  Blessed be His name.  

A New Attitude

A part of me was hesitant to share this post, as I don't want to appear at ALL ungrateful or not thankful for this miracle that I have been given.  But I want to be truthful with how I've been feeling, and hope that sharing this will help me follow through.

There is still part of me that is scared.  Scared that something will go wrong.  

Scared that I won't be holding my baby in July.

The truth is that I have been continuing to give into my fears, failing to surrender and failing to embrace and enjoy this pregnancy.

I think a part of me felt that if I didn't take weekly belly pictures at the beginning, talk to my baby, buy maternity clothes, or didn't spend all day thinking about how excited I am to be a mom, then I wouldn't be as devastated if something went wrong.

But I know that no matter what I did or didn't do, I would be devastated if something happened to our baby.

A few people gave me the advice to not wish away the beginning of pregnancy or have it be consumed with fear and worries.  And I believed that advice and tried to live it, but failed quite miserably the first three months. Failed to live in constant excitement for our soon to be family of three.  And failed to dream of our future and our baby.

So many days, especially a day when I have cramps or some other pain that makes me nervous, I just wish I could see into the future and see myself holding my baby.  I wish I could know for sure what our life would look like and how healthy my baby will be.

But I know that if I could do that, then I wouldn't have the need to daily ask God for protection over my baby, and for comfort for my fears.  I wouldn't be putting things in his hands.

So today I am embracing everything about this baby.  Belly updates.  Nursery dreams.  Baby crafts.  

and embracing everything about this pregnancy.  

And this miracle that I've been given. 

One Word

First I have to say that I don't think it is possible to put into words how much I loved and appreciated your excitement for our big news.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me how excited you are, how you've been praying and will continue to pray, and all your sweet words.  There is no doubt that I am a lucky.  Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot of this last year and all the things that God has taught me.  I've learned so much and have grown more this year than any other year in my life.  I want to make an effort to use what God has taught me to be a different person.  A person who loves and trusts God deeper.

I love the idea of focusing on a word for the year.  I spent a lot of time thinking about a word the represents an area that I know God has been testing me in and something I can apply to this coming year.

I choose SURRENDER.

source

I mentioned it on Thursday night, but we had a really rough start to our pregnancy.

The day before Thanksgiving we got to see our 5 1/2 week old baby's heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I truly don't know if I've been happier before.

Friday afternoon, I went shopping with my sisters and started bleeding really heavily.  It was honestly the scariest moment, as I thought that I was losing our baby that we had prayed for, for so long.

We rushed to the doctor's office and through complete panic and lots of tears on our end, the ultrasound technician found our baby's heartbeat.  But also found a really large hemorrhage, which was causing the bleeding.

They put me on bed rest and I spent the next four weeks waiting, on bedrest, hoping and praying that our baby would be okay and that my body would heal.  Each doctor appointment was a tiny bit of progress but every day felt so uncertain.

We waited for two years to get pregnant and I had thought once we heard our baby's heartbeat the waiting would be over.  As if I surrendered my control of getting pregnant but was still holding on to how I thought the rest of the process should go.

When I think about all the things that I love the most they are Chris, my family, and now my little baby.  The things that make me feel secure are my house, my savings account and my job.  There is this big part of me that wants to hold on to these things as tight as I can and not let them far from me.

When I felt like I was going to lose our baby I honestly pictured myself wanting to hold him in my hands, as close as I can to keep him safe for the next eight months.  I picture myself putting all these things I love in a room, shutting the door and holding them, as if that could keep them safe.  As if my protection is bigger than a God who is bigger than this world.

I want this year to be a year where I stop holding on tight to the things I love and the things that make me feel safe.  I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears and my feelings of uncertainties.

Because He will always be bigger than those things and I want them all to be held in His hands and not mine.

I want to give up my control, my fears, plans and worries and SURRENDER.

Some truth

Today all I have for you is a blurry picture of me on my couch.  No outfit post or project.

 Because the truth is that the last two weeks have been a struggle for me.  (More to come on that later)

And I have had very little motivation and desire to post outfit pictures, favorite things, funny stories or much of anything. 

A part of me feels like if I don't post an outfit or even anything at all, I will lose readers, interest or the appeal to my blog.

Except I realize that isn't why I want people to read my blog.  Of course I want people to like the outfits I wear or the projects I make, but what I really want is for people to know me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with bloggers that don't share their personal lives on their blog, and only chose to share a small piece of their real life.  I like those blogs because they make me happy.  And I'm thankful that I've been able to use this blog sometimes throughout this last year as an escape from things when life is hard.

But I want my blog to continue to be a mix of the happy things in my life, but also the real things in my life.

And real life is that things don't always go exactly how you plan, which I have been learning over and over the last two years.  You think you have something figured out and immediately start thinking how the other pieces in your life should go.  and then they don't.

As I sat on my couch last week I felt sad that I hadn't enjoyed enough Christmas music yet, hadn't put up certain decorations I've wanted to, wrapped any presents and have yet to finish Christmas shopping.   And I was feeling really disappointed.

The more I thought about it the more I realize that I have what I have right now.  In this moment.  And that needs to be enough.  And it is.

Even if it doesn't come with a cute outfit, a funny story or a creative project.
Today I'm filled with mixed feelings of anxiety, joy, fear, gratefulness and hope.

This is where I am right now and that is okay!

In the Moment

 

dress: old navy   tights: kohls  boots: target 

One of my favorite things about Chris is that he lives in the moment.

He knows how to enjoy what he is doing.

If he is eating a meal, there is a really good chance that it is "the best meal he's ever had."

If he is watching a movie there is a good possibility it is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

If he is enjoying a dessert, there's a good chance it is the "best dessert he's ever tasted."

If we're going out of town for a weekend he counts on it being the best vacation he's ever had.

I feel as though I fail to live in the moment and am always looking ahead to what is next.
In daily little things or big life things.

Lately I've felt like my life is just standing still as I watch my friends get pregnant and have babies.
As if everyone else gets to run into their next phase of life and I'm not even crawling into it.
I am stuck here waiting for it to be my turn.

I had mentioned this book in an earlier post and wanted to share something else that really challenged me. 

"My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin."

This is me. On so many days.  Just waiting for God to give me what I've been asking for, for so long.

"Today is your big moment. The life you've been waiting for is happening all around you.  Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension.  You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you."

"You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today."

So I'm working on living in these moments, taking advantage of the today that God has given me.  

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YOLO

Twenty Eight

jeans: kohls   boots: dsw (similar)  cardigan: ?   scarf: OmMadeWithLove

Year 28.
Another year older. 

This is where all of you who are over 30 think about how young I really am. 

and all of you who are under 25 think of how old I must be.

And this is where the phrase that I really dislike fits perfectly, "It's all relative."

Too be honest I am pretty much stuck at the age of 24.  

Mostly because I honestly answered that as my age for the three years after I turned 24, on accident.

That and I know I could pass for 19. 

I even got carded for buying Nyquill the other day.
Which makes me feel better after failing to hear one of the higher pitch sounds that "younger people" can hear, on that high frequency sound app after my birthday dinner with my family.  

On a more serious note I have high hopes for the year twenty eight. 

I have hopes for God to continue to work in mine and Chris' marriage. 

Hopes to have a baby sometime this next year. 

and if I don't get pregnant, hope that God continues to poor out his love and wisdom as I go through this journey. 

I have plans to keep learning how to be a better friend. 

and to do a better job at living in the moment and not always wishing for the next thing to happen.  

and plans to remind myself regularly of all the blessings that God has given me.  

So cheers to another year!

p.s. Thanks for making me feel loved with all the birthday wishes on Friday!


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Crabby McGee

Two posts in one day?  I couldn't possibly leave you with just this post from earlier, so here's another:

jacket: old navy (similar)   dress: francesca's (similar)     boots: dsw (similar)   scarf: made my my sister

Want to know a way to NOT turn your spouse's bad attitude around?

Call them Crabby McGee. 

or Crabby McCrabster. 

On occasion Chris would call me that when he is joking around about my bad attitude and it can go one of two ways. 

I may just laugh and it could slightly improve my mood. 

or it may have a high possibility of making me even more crabby. 

Either way I have to say that last week I just may have won an award for being ultra crabby at home and at school.  

The fact that it was dress up each day last week (crazy hair = crazy kids) and we had a power out and one half day of school.  That my friends, is a recipe for a crabby teacher.  

However, I am well aware that I am in control of my attitude and sometimes I wish that wasn't true.

It is much easier to be crabby and annoyed than choose to not let those things get to you.

So this week I'm working on putting away the Crabby McGee and having a better attitude! 

Hope you have a good start to the week!

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A year in . . .

dress: target (similar)  sweater: target (similar)   boots: dsw (similar)

It's still a little crazy to me that I have a blog. 

That I write and people read it.

That I post pictures of my outfits for hundreds of people to see. 

Even crazier that I've shared some of my most personal things on this blog. 

When I started my blog a year ago, I honestly thought Lauren, Lauren and my mom would read it. 

and that's it. 

I had no intentions of it turning into what it has. 

It's become a place to share things that make me happy. 

to share funny stories from teaching. 

to share my heart. 

to share my skill of finding cheap clothing. 

to make real friends.
to share projects I've made. 

to process what God is teaching me. 

to be encouraged by others. 

Looking back at this last year this blog has been a great blessing and has been one of my favorite things.

I am truly convinced that God has used my blog this year as a hobby, a distraction, and a place to for me to share what He is doing in my life.

I am continually amazed at the people that I have met and the encouragement and joy that they have brought to my life.  

Each time I post a personal lesson or a glimpse into what I'm going through I'm blown away by the people that read my story, take the time to comment on my post, offer me advice, encouragement and even share their own hearts.   

I can't imagine how alone I would feel in my struggles if I hadn't met the people I have and I am beyond thankful for that. 

Not to say that there aren't things that I don't love about blogging.  Like my desire to buy more clothes or the added time it takes me to get dressed in the morning as I often feel the need for a "blog worthy" outfit post. 

Or the struggle with comparing myself and my blog to others or the amount of time I spend on my computer.

And I imagine as I continue blogging, the struggle for finding balance and avoiding comparison will increase.  

BUT the blessings from this little blog have been so good.

and I am thankful for you.  For reading my blog and for the friendships I've made.

I look forward to many more blessings!

Blessings and Curses

jacket: old navy (similar)   shirt: tjmaxx (similar)  tee: target  

Do you ever read something insightful, hear good advice or encouragement and kind of wish you didn't hear it because you know it applies directly to you? 

Because sometimes it is really hard to believe and live out that advice. 

That is how I've been feeling after I read the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequiest. 

I had read this book awhile ago and wanted to read it again, as I felt like it would be applicable during this stage in my life.  And I was right. 

In a chapter about blessings and curses, Shauna writes about a friend's hardships and how it seemed like God was being cruel that year, but how she knew that he was not. 

"What I know now is that his (God's) kindness burns through the deepest betrayals and invites life from death every chance we let him.  There are things the explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else.  They are the most precious kinds of blessings." 

I find myself many mornings having a mini pity party for myself as I have started a new round of fertility treatments. 

My mornings involve lots of different medicines and my breaks at school involve insurance phone calls and dr. appointments, my blog rolls and facebook feeds are filled with pregnancy updates and announcements and my thoughts are constantly filled with anxiousness and uncertainty for the future. 

There are many days I look at this current place I'm in and feel as though it isn't fair.  

And it is easier to be upset and annoyed at this place where God has me.  

But I have a choice daily. 

". . . but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair and that thing is beautiful.  You don't want it to be beautiful, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up.  But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing - a beautiful, delicate, blessing." 

While I can see some blessings that have come from this trial, I have yet to see this season of our life as beautiful, but I am waiting.  I know some day I will get there and that gives me hope. 

While I fail all the time, I am working on this daily. 

 Daily choosing to accept this place where God has me, and daily searching for the blessings in all this.  

Leaving a Legacy

dress: kohls  boots: dsw  sweater: ?

It has been almost a year since my grandpa passed away.  

Two years ago in October my grandpa was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Soon after he was diagnosed my family flew down to Texas to say goodbye, as we weren't sure how long he would have left.
Thankfully, God allowed him to live another year which was such a blessing. 

It was such a blessing to be able to have a year that we didn't think we would have. 

To have a year to make it a point to call him and talk to him more often. 

To have a year to write him a letter telling him how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have him as a grandpa.  

My grandpa was an amazing man.  One of the greatest things that I admire about him was that he was a man of prayer.  My dad spend a lot of time with him during his last year and was able to spend many nights with him. 

I learned that each night my grandpa would spend time praying for every member of his family. 

And not just listing names, but praying for our specific needs and struggles we were going through. 

He knew what we were going through and knew that one of the best ways to love us was to lift us up in prayer. 

About a year and a half ago, Chris and I started praying together every night.  We too lift up our families, friends and our own needs and struggles.  We have yet to miss a night of praying together.

Part of me is sad that my grandpa isn't here for me to tell him when I do get pregnant, as I know that he prayed that for us every night.  But I know one of his prayers is being answered, that Chris and I continue to grow in our marriage and grow closer to God.  

I think of my grandpa all the time and am so thankful for the example and legacy that he left. 

And I'm so thankful for that extra year we had with him so I could tell him that.
I'm so thankful that I have no doubts that right now he talking to God face to face.  

I know he would be so proud of Chris and the man of prayer that he has become.  

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