Our story

The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey though infertility, seems surreal to me.  There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.

There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.

There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful.

But I don't think that it is one or the other.

The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person.  A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans.  But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before.

All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that.

Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant.  There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical.  Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby."  For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men.  Far from anything romantic or personal.

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me.  A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends.  The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful.  Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF.  It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.

I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process.  As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked.  While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband.

I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon.  As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining.  And how I can't imagine doing it again.  The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again.  It all was worth it.



I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there.  But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it.

I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story.  I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby.  But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here.  I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.

The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing.  Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.

I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here.  However it may be that brought us to this point.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:27

National Infertility Week

This week is National Infertility week.  I've written plenty of posts about our journey with infertility, but have never officially brought attention to this week in particular.  I've seen many bloggers share their stories this week and I feel proud of each one of them for sharing something so intimate.  I think it allows others to not feel so alone, and lets those feelings feel a little more "normal" when the whole process feels so not normal. There are so many emotions when it comes to such a personal thing.  
Last week I shared about our thoughts on trying for baby number two, and I think I've gotten over the fear of sharing those personal details, and have felt freedom and healing by having an outlet to process my thoughts.  And a huge blessing that I've received prayers and encouragement.  I don't think I've ever felt more loved and prayed for then when we were going through all of our treatments and waiting.  
In honor of National Infertility week I figured I'd share one of my older posts.  I can't read this or look at these pictures without getting teary.  Part of me feels so far removed from this experience and part of me still feels how hard and painful it was.  I think God allows that so we can heal from it, but also so we can remember what He's brought us through.  I know there are so many women who have been or are in this place.  And so many who have it been battling it far longer than Chris and I did.  So to those woman I think you're amazing.  I think you're strong and doing such a hard thing.  Fighting for your baby and daily longing to hold him or her in your arms.  And to know that you are not alone.  
Here's some words I wrote awhile ago about our story . . . 

The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey through infertility, seems surreal to me.  There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.

There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.

There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful. 

But I don't think that it is one or the other. 

The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person.  A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans.  But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before. 

All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant.  There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical.  Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby."  For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men.  Far from anything romantic or personal. 

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me.  A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends.  The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful.  Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF.  It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.

I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process.  As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked.  While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband. 

I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon.  As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining.  And how I can't imagine doing it again.  The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again.  It all was worth it.



I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there.  But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it. 

I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story.  I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby.  But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here.  I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.

The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing.  Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.

I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here.  However it may be that brought us to this point.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:27

A look back . . . . . .

I just spent some time looking back on my post like this from last year.  It is so fun for me to look at what last year looked like and then to look through this year month by month.  This makes me want to keep writing my blog.  I love being able to see our year in review and get excited to continue to document our lives from the good things, the hard things, the shallow things like outfit pictures and the fun things like projects I've done.  This has been a great year overall and I am so thankful for all the ways God has blessed us.  Here's a look at our 2015 . . . . 

In January I wrote about feeling more confident in my role as a mom, something I'm still learning but as time goes on feeling like this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now and was made to be a mom.  I made Addilyn a cool workshop sensory board that I will now have to figure a way to change the name so our baby boy can use it down the line too!  I wrote about being brave and some goals for the new year. 

In February I shared my favorite place in the house to decorate, which ironically I changed and looks very different now.  I shared a new favorite outfit, and wrote about my goal for teaching Addilyn to be herself, needing to hear those words and apply it myself.  I turned my grandpa's old suitcase into an end table and it is probably my best project I've ever done.  

In March we celebrated Easter and Addilyn went to her first big Easter egg hunt which was hysterical.  I wrote out my breastfeeding journey, which came with lots of emotions.  Addilyn got a pair of yoga pants and tennis shoes and it was just about the cutest thing I'd seen.  I made a little coffee bar in our dining room and that became my new favorite place in our house.  

In April, Addilyn and I got matching tees and I wanted to keep dressing us alike all the time.  This month held National Infertility week and I wrote a post about our story.  I had a super fun girls' day with my sister and one of my best friends.  I wrote a post about our desire for baby number 2 and waiting for direction in what we should do.   

In May I nursed Addilyn for the last time on Mother's Day and shared my feelings about it.  Chris and I celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary with a night away, which was the first time we had left Addilyn overnight.  I wrote about ways that I was working on being brave, and Addilyn and I made some flower pots and planted some herbs and flowers which we did manage to keep alive for a long time.  I started writing my Addi says what posts filled with funny things Addilyn has said, which have become my favorite posts. 

In June I wrote about our favorite things to do as a stay at home mom and ways we keep busy.  I had a night away with my sister, sister in law and mom and we had a great time!  Way overdue I wrote about the time with my blogging friend turned best friend came to visit with her daughter.  At the end of the month we went to Florida with Chris' family and I wrote about our trip to Disney World, which is where Addilyn fell in love with Cinderella which she has yet to go a day without saying "I'm Cinderella" at least five times, sometimes fifty.  We also found out on this trip that I was pregnant, but waited until we got home to tell our families after I went to the doctor.  

In July I wrote about the rest of our trip to Florida, including time at the ocean.  Addilyn turned two years old and we celebrated with friends and donuts at the park, and then had an small ice cream party with our families.  I found the comfiest and cutest pairs of pants and wanted to wear them all summer long.  We told our families that we were pregnant with baby number two, which I shared on my blog next month.  I felt nauseous and sick pretty much right away this time around, but was so so thankful and shocked that we got pregnant on our own.  

In August, I shared an embarrassing story about a failed grocery shopping trip, and wrote about our family trip this summer with my side of the family.  I got to announce that we were expecting baby number two and it was just so much fun to feel everyone's excitement for this baby.  I shared a little bit about baby number two and started with weekly updates at week 13.  Chris also started a new job this month, with a new office and lots of exciting things, but also with lots of work and some stress too!

In September I attempted going to MOPS and the childcare did not go well, and I wrote about trying to be brave and wondering if we should stick it out.  We went apple picking or as Addilyn would call it, "apple pie picking."  I started my obsession with buying clothes from Pink Blush and shared a few favorite outfits.  I wrote about how Addilyn at 26 months had become my favorite age so far, and wrote my first letter to our baby. 

In October, we went away for the weekend to a place we've been the previous three years and I wrote about how much our lives have changed each year we've been there.  We found out we were having a baby BOY and shared the exciting news with our families.   My belly kept on growing and I very quickly moved to 99% leggings.  

In November I turned 31 and celebrated with a dinner followed by a trip to Aldi with Chris, then got to sleep in the next morning thanks to Addilyn sleeping over at her grandma's.  Best birthday present ever!  I wrote about our halloween and to no surprise Addilyn's costume choice being Cinderella.  I shared about our trip to the pumpkin patch and about another girls' day with my sisters, mom and aunt.  I wrote another Addi says what post and she just keeps getting funnier and funnier.  

In December, I hosted a favorite things party and it was so much fun!  I shared my maternity staples for this pregnancy which includes leggings, tunics and all things loose and comfortable.  I continue to work on finding joy in the messier moments of motherhood, and knowing that in the midst of hard times there are small moments of joy to hold on to.  We had the best Christmas and I feel like holidays just keep getting better and better.  I ended the year with a pregnancy post with only 10 more weeks left to go!
This year has been wonderful.  It's been fun and surprising.  It's been full of lots of throw up and tiredness, but so so exciting as we wait for our baby boy in March.  God has blessed us so much this year and we couldn't be more thankful.  We know a big year is coming ahead and we are excited to see our family grow and what the year ahead has in store! 

National Infertilty week

(before one of our transfers)
This week is National Infertility week and I almost didn't write a post, but infertility has been such a big part of my story that I couldn't pass up reflecting on and thinking about it. 
For the most part our infertility seems very far removed from our day to day life.  It's crazy to me because for so long it was such a huge part of my daily life.  A struggle to not let that define who I was, and a battle to not let it consume my thoughts by even the minute.  The desire to have a baby is so strong and when it is unknown if that will ever happen I think it's impossible to not let it take up so many thoughts.  Especially with countless doctor appointments, daily shots, medication and all kinds of side effects.  
I'm grateful I it feels so far in the past, but I also don't ever want to lose what I learned through that season. I am confident that our infertility was one of the best things that happened to our marriage.  We had to rely on each other, grow in our faith together, and come to the reality that we'd be okay if it was just us two.  Dealing with infertility made me a better friend, more compassionate and now more grateful for our two miracles.  
When I started blogging I had no intentions of sharing our struggles to get pregnant and can't say how thankful I am that I did.  It was the biggest blessing to find others that were in our place too.  Girls that became close friends, that I could email personal details like the best place to give yourself a shot, details of your husband's sperm count and what days we were having our transfers. Even knowing to the hour when I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not.  Things that felt like personal secrets became not secrets and it was comforting and freeing.  I know everyone has different ways of handling their struggles, but for me having people who understood, listened, prayed, and shared their struggles back was such a blessing.  I feel lucky to have had that, as I know many do not.
Fertility treatments and decisions are messy and hard and painful and what's right for someone isn't going to be right for others.  There's times I think about things like how I got pregnant with Addilyn in October, but she was "conceived" in June.  It's weird, feels scientific to me and a little uncomfortable.  And for a long time I think I felt almost bitter we couldn't get pregnant the normal way.  But I am so thankful for IVF and medicine and our doctor and know that God's plan was for Addilyn to be given to us through this "non conventional" way.  
I have started telling Addilyn about how badly we wanted a baby before we had her and how God gave us to her.  The other day we were talking about babies and she said "You prayed for me because you wanted me so bad!"  It made me cry.  I can't wait till she can understand even more of what a miracle she is to us.  
Infertility has been the hardest thing I've gone through, but I am so thankful it is part of my story and part of Addilyn's.  I pray that there is never a doubt in her mind that she was wanted, prayed for and fought for.  

A look back at 2016

In January we had our maternity pictures taken.  I am SO glad we spent the money to have these done and will forever cherish them.  It's crazy how little Addi looks a year ago! Addi turned two and a half and continued to be hilarious, sweet and clever.  Chris and I had a night away before Isaac was born, and my belly kept on growing as we anxiously awaited our baby boy! 

In February I wrote a letter  to Isaac before he was born, and I have hard time now remembering what it was like without him in here.  I had my 39 week doctor appointment and it looked like I was measuring quite ahead. We discussed inducing and had an ultrasound to check, and with only being dilated a centimeter my doctor didn't think he'd be coming on his own in the next week or so.  Isaac's crib and room was ready as we waited for him to come! Isaac Jordan Vale surprised us and came a week early all on his own.  His labor was perfect and he was just the best gift ever.

In March we started adjusting to our life as a family of four.  I shared the rest of our maternity pictures, and we had Isaac's newborn pictures taken.  I held Isaac all the time.  In the carrier most of the time, on my chest whenever Addi was sleeping and soaked up every second I could.  I ate a million mini cadbury cream eggs surrounding Easter and way too long after.  I shared Isaac's birth story and would do anything to relive that day again.  

I spent most of April being incredibly tired and learned to function on very little sleep.  Adjusting to life with two kids felt mostly manageable at the beginning, but was I completely exhausted.  I shared Isaac's newborn pictures and he is just the cutest thing in the world.  I wrote a post about being a second time mom, and how somethings were a lot easier but some just as hard. 

In May Chris and I celebrated eleven years of marriage.  Addi continued to say hilarious things and my Addi says what posts continued to be a favorite.  I wrote about being a "boy mom" and will probably forever be learning how to let go of my own agenda when it comes to motherhood. I celebrated another Mother's Day and will forever be so grateful that God gave me that role. 

In June we went on a vacation with my family and it was so much fun, although Isaac hardly slept and I felt like a total dud.  We did have a good time and it was great spending all that time together. Isaac turned three months old and he continued to be laid back and felt like he fit perfectly in our family.  

In July our sweet girl turned THREE!  We celebrated with donuts at the park with friends and then an ice cream party with our family.  It was so fun celebrating her and seeing her excitement for her birthday this year.   I shared about how I felt like being a mom to two got harder the older Isaac got and was struggling with figuring out how to be a mom to both and felt anxious for any kind of routine.  We celebrated the fourth of July and Addi saw fireworks for the first time.  

In August Isaac turned six months and I couldn't believe he'd already been here for half a year! We had some great summer weekends as a family, and I attempted to get some kind of workout routine started.  The biggest news this summer was that we bought a new house! It came out of nowhere and wasn't what we were planning, but was just great, exciting news! 

In September Addi started preschool and we had a rough month or so with drop offs.  I hated that she cried a lot when I left and felt anxious for her to do better.  We moved into our house at the end of August, and got settled in pretty quickly and LOVED our new space.  Isaac had so many firsts this month.  Sitting up on his own, swinging, a haircut and started to crawl!  

In October we went to the pumpkin patch and it made me so excited for all our traditions as a family of four.  I got a new haircut and started feeling like I could get dressed in real clothes and feel more put together more often.  I loved decorating our new house for Fall and was so thankful for nice weather, as we continued to spend so much time outside.  We had a great Halloween and it was so much fun with both kids! 

I shared our Halloween pictures and about how much fun that weekend was!  In November,  I attempted to put Isaac in a pumpkin and he was not having it!  I turned 32 and celebrated my birthday with my family and didn't write a thing about it until two months later.  Opps.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, which I just realize I never shared about either.  Clearly this month was not my month for blogging!  My sister and I ran a 5K Thanksgiving morning and I love that tradition.  We got our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving, which will forever be my favorite tradition. 

In December we had a fun big snow storms and we loved watching from inside our house, and Addi loved playing in it.  Isaac turned nine months old and continued to be the happiest, sweetest baby that still stinks at sleeping.  My sister had a hot chocolate party again this year and it was so much fun. Chris had a fancy work Christmas party and I got to dress up in a sparkly dress, and we had a great time!  I finally wrote about my birthday and some things I'm good at and areas I need to work on. We had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas day and are so for our families all being close by to celebrate with. 
2016 was a year full of a lot of blessings for us.  Our sweet Isaac was born and we moved into a beautiful new house.  I am so thankful for this last year and all that God has given us.  2017 welcomed our family with the stomach flu, but I am sure the year will be filled with many wonderful things.  Happy New Year!

Looking back . . . .

I've seen many of posts like this the last week or so, and I had no intention of writing one until I realized what a great source of reflection it would be to look back at the year, through the struggles, lessons and celebrations of 2013.  In January, by far the greatest thing was announcing our pregnancy.  I had dreamt of that moment for years and it was by far one of the most joyous moments of my life.  It was beyond fun to feel everyone's excitement for our baby to come.  I also wrote my first letter to our baby and experienced the first of many surreal moments.  February marked the half way point of my pregnancy.  It was also a hard month as I lost my grandpa and went to California for his funeral.  I also wrote out our infertility journey and what we went through to get pregnant.  In March we found out we were having a girl and I couldn't have been happier! I continued writing letters to our baby girl and my belly continued to grow.  I answered some readers questions about my shopping routines and awkwardness of "posing" for outfit pictures.  In April Chris and I had a relaxing weekend away in Wisconsin.  I shared a tutorial for a polka dot tee, along with my obsession with everything polka dots when it came to making things and working on the nursery.  This month our family experienced the start of a scary and challenging trial, as we found out my mom had some serious heart complications and was going to need open heart surgery.  I learned a lot about surrendering to God and trusting him with one of my most precious things in my life.  In May I lost count of the amount of poptarts I had eaten and blamed it on pregnancy, although I never really had extreme cravings.  My class at school threw me a baby shower and I continued to work on our baby girl's nursery and loved every second of it.  Chris and I celebrated eight years of marriage this month, but the biggest news this month is that my mom's heart surgery went well and I was reminded of God's perfect timing in everything.   In June I stopped wearing anything but maxi skirts and loose t-shirts, as my belly was getting quite large with only one month to go.  I had two amazing baby showers, felt beyond lucky and over and over couldn't believe that we were really going to have a baby.  I had many more surreal and tender moments and Chris and I got ready to welcome our baby girl.   And my good friend took some great maternity pictures for us before our baby girl arrived.  It's no surprise July was our biggest month of the year as we welcomed Addilyn Jane to the world.  I still get teary eyed looking through these first pictures. (Will that every go away?)  We spent some hard extra days in the hospital as Addilyn was in the nursery for jaundice, but thankfully came home five days later with a healthy baby girl.  I started my first of many posts about new lessons of early motherhood.  In August I wrote out Addilyn's birth story and we finally picked birth announcement cards using Addilyn's adorable newborn pictures.  Thanks to sleep deprivation I put the wrong weight on her cards.   I shared my struggles with transitioning to my new identity as a mom.  I shared my one month mom and baby favorites and not too surprisingly did not manage to keep up that series.  Opps.   I shared pictures and details about Addilyn's nursery.   In September I shared my favorite and best idea yet when it comes to things I've "made" for Addilyn.  I managed to start making some projects again, like this chalkboard vase and welcome banner.  I started writing Addilyn monthly letters and couldn't believe how fast times went already.    In October I made a video of Addilyn's first few days and still cry when I watch it.   I wrote an honest post about my feelings of blogging during this huge life transition and the future and purpose of my blog.  We successfully carved pumpkins this year and to my extreme happiness put Addilyn inside of one.  We went to our first big event as a family of three when we went to a family wedding.   I continued to struggle with finding any kind of schedule or routine to our day and shared my thoughts on enjoying baby snuggles and not stressing about routines.  We took Addilyn on our first "vacation" when we spent a long weekend at a lake house in Wisconsin with my family, which is also when my sister got to meet Addilyn for the first time.   In November I celebrated my twenty ninth birthday and Chris and I went on our first dinner date since Addilyn had been born.   I celebrated two years of blogging last month but didn't remember it until this month.  I may have bored you all with yet another post on how my baby is a terrible sleeper and my need to give it time and stop comparing myself and my baby to others.  We got to dress up as cowboys and indians for a costume party and Addilyn was the cutest Indian ever. I wrote some goals for my days as a stay at home mom and also shared on why I may never wear real pants again.   In December I shared about how this month had been the hardest yet when it comes to being a mom. I wrote about why I'm a bad wife and shared a delicious pot pie recipe that made me a better one.  I wrote about my favorite day of the whole year. I wrote about my first experience taking care of a sick baby and how needy I felt as a mom.  And finally I shared about our first Christmas together and how I couldn't be happier with all that God has given me. 
2013 marks the best year I've had yet and I am so excited for all that God has for us in 2014.  Happy New Year!