This week is National Infertility week and I almost didn't write a post, but infertility has been such a big part of my story that I couldn't pass up reflecting on and thinking about it.
For the most part our infertility seems very far removed from our day to day life. It's crazy to me because for so long it was such a huge part of my daily life. A struggle to not let that define who I was, and a battle to not let it consume my thoughts by even the minute. The desire to have a baby is so strong and when it is unknown if that will ever happen I think it's impossible to not let it take up so many thoughts. Especially with countless doctor appointments, daily shots, medication and all kinds of side effects.
I'm grateful I it feels so far in the past, but I also don't ever want to lose what I learned through that season. I am confident that our infertility was one of the best things that happened to our marriage. We had to rely on each other, grow in our faith together, and come to the reality that we'd be okay if it was just us two. Dealing with infertility made me a better friend, more compassionate and now more grateful for our two miracles.
When I started blogging I had no intentions of sharing our struggles to get pregnant and can't say how thankful I am that I did. It was the biggest blessing to find others that were in our place too. Girls that became close friends, that I could email personal details like the best place to give yourself a shot, details of your husband's sperm count and what days we were having our transfers. Even knowing to the hour when I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not. Things that felt like personal secrets became not secrets and it was comforting and freeing. I know everyone has different ways of handling their struggles, but for me having people who understood, listened, prayed, and shared their struggles back was such a blessing. I feel lucky to have had that, as I know many do not.
Fertility treatments and decisions are messy and hard and painful and what's right for someone isn't going to be right for others. There's times I think about things like how I got pregnant with Addilyn in October, but she was "conceived" in June. It's weird, feels scientific to me and a little uncomfortable. And for a long time I think I felt almost bitter we couldn't get pregnant the normal way. But I am so thankful for IVF and medicine and our doctor and know that God's plan was for Addilyn to be given to us through this "non conventional" way.
I have started telling Addilyn about how badly we wanted a baby before we had her and how God gave us to her. The other day we were talking about babies and she said "You prayed for me because you wanted me so bad!" It made me cry. I can't wait till she can understand even more of what a miracle she is to us.
Infertility has been the hardest thing I've gone through, but I am so thankful it is part of my story and part of Addilyn's. I pray that there is never a doubt in her mind that she was wanted, prayed for and fought for.