I shared this photo on instagram the other week and that day came with a whole lot of thoughts on
motherhood for me.
The last two weeks have been hard. I was exhausted, frustrated, lonely and anxious. Addilyn has never been a good sleeper but has managed to become a worse sleeper. Due to the cold weather and snow we hadn't left the house in almost a week and a half. Addilyn has not her happy self and I was going stir crazy.
Chris was gone overnight Saturday and Addilyn was up just about every hour. He called me Sunday morning when Addilyn has just woken up from a 15 minute nap and I dramatically and slightly (or extremely) irrationally started crying.
Like the kind of crying that would equate something terrible happening, like my dog dying. Not my baby sleeping terribly.
I think all those emotions built up from the week came out and I could not pull myself together. I turned into a complete disaster and then more tears came as I felt guilty for feeling so upset. There have been moments when I feel like I shouldn't be complaining about motherhood. I feel like I should forever to thankful and happy for the biggest blessing we've been given. But there are moments and days where I feel like this is really hard. That I would love one night to just sleep. Or one afternoon and evening to just sit on my couch and not worry about the responsibility of taking care of Addilyn. That I want my body back. I want to have energy to work out. For my boobs to stop leaking and my bladder to be back to normal. (too much detail perhaps? Nope. I working on pure honesty over here).
And then I feel guilty.
I know I am allowed to feel tired and even frustrated and I need to let myself feel those things. I know having three kids is harder than having one and sometimes that makes me feel like a baby for thinking this is hard. But this is so new and it is hard.
And that doesn't mean I am not beyond thankful that I get to be Addilyn's mom.
BUT I also think there are times that I seriously need someone to tell me to suck it up and deal with it. LIke that Sunday morning. I seriously could've used a little slap in the face and someone telling me that I was being a big baby. That this is a phase and she won't be up multiple times a night forever (right? Please tell me that's right.)
Motherhood is a confusing thing. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Most moments and days I look at Addilyn and I couldn't be happier. I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I wouldn't want to spend my days doing anything else. Then I have these other moments here and there where I feel so tired and overwhelmed and feel like I don't know what I am doing.
All these random thoughts to say that I am learning to be okay with what I am feeling. Trying not to feel guilty for thinking this is hard. But clinging to the times I feel fulfilled, content and confident in being Addilyn's mom.