Who's the baby?
I shared this photo on instagram the other week and that day came with a whole lot of thoughts on
motherhood for me.
The last two weeks have been hard. I was exhausted, frustrated, lonely and anxious. Addilyn has never been a good sleeper but has managed to become a worse sleeper. Due to the cold weather and snow we hadn't left the house in almost a week and a half. Addilyn has not her happy self and I was going stir crazy.
Chris was gone overnight Saturday and Addilyn was up just about every hour. He called me Sunday morning when Addilyn has just woken up from a 15 minute nap and I dramatically and slightly (or extremely) irrationally started crying.
Like the kind of crying that would equate something terrible happening, like my dog dying. Not my baby sleeping terribly.
I think all those emotions built up from the week came out and I could not pull myself together. I turned into a complete disaster and then more tears came as I felt guilty for feeling so upset. There have been moments when I feel like I shouldn't be complaining about motherhood. I feel like I should forever to thankful and happy for the biggest blessing we've been given. But there are moments and days where I feel like this is really hard. That I would love one night to just sleep. Or one afternoon and evening to just sit on my couch and not worry about the responsibility of taking care of Addilyn. That I want my body back. I want to have energy to work out. For my boobs to stop leaking and my bladder to be back to normal. (too much detail perhaps? Nope. I working on pure honesty over here).
And then I feel guilty.
I know I am allowed to feel tired and even frustrated and I need to let myself feel those things. I know having three kids is harder than having one and sometimes that makes me feel like a baby for thinking this is hard. But this is so new and it is hard.
And that doesn't mean I am not beyond thankful that I get to be Addilyn's mom.
BUT I also think there are times that I seriously need someone to tell me to suck it up and deal with it. LIke that Sunday morning. I seriously could've used a little slap in the face and someone telling me that I was being a big baby. That this is a phase and she won't be up multiple times a night forever (right? Please tell me that's right.)
Motherhood is a confusing thing. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Most moments and days I look at Addilyn and I couldn't be happier. I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I wouldn't want to spend my days doing anything else. Then I have these other moments here and there where I feel so tired and overwhelmed and feel like I don't know what I am doing.
All these random thoughts to say that I am learning to be okay with what I am feeling. Trying not to feel guilty for thinking this is hard. But clinging to the times I feel fulfilled, content and confident in being Addilyn's mom.
32 comments:
Katie, I know I don't have children or anything to compare this to but I've spent years watching friends (who are really more like sisters) become mothers and all I can see is time after time, grace sweeping in and allowing them the freedom to feel exactly what you describe. From what I can tell, if you weren't feeling that way, it would be cause for concern. So keep going mama… You've got this and from the sounds of it, you've got a whole world of friendship and grace and love to keep you afloat when you need to let it all out :)
I think the first baby is the hardest. Having 3 kids is hard but at least I can say to myself "well I survived Bristol and Eldon so I will survive Brighton". If you need to cry, cry. Find someone you can vent too, because sometimes that is all you need. I know at the end of the day, I can vent to Jeremy all my frustrations and then I can let them go. I will be praying for you.
My son just turned 5 months, so I think our babies are close in age. He's also my first and this post is so me right now! My best friend was blessed with three awesome sleeping, happy go lucky babies, so although I think she empathizes with me, she just doesn't get it. I do think it is so hard for me to remember that this is just a phase or window of time, and that is the hardest thing for me. I feel like it will be like this forever and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. And then the guilt for even thinking so negatively and not just being grateful. It really is hard. But I appreciate that you put these thoughts out there on your blog, it's nice to know that someone is feeling the same as me somewhere out there and to get a reminder that it will be ok. :)
I appreciate your honestly! I'm sorry it's been so hard, and I will pray she starts sleeping better. Hang in there!
Oh my friend, it's ok….we all have those moments….it's amazing, and EXHAUSTING at the same time!
Carly
www.lipglossandcrayons.com
Someone shared this article with me a few months ago. I think this nails it right on the head.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
This beyond cold weather has been hard on us too! Don't feel guilty for those thoughts and feelings because they are normal and all is mommas have them! I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't, you just learn to adapt more. Those kids, they really challenge us and bring out the best (sometimes worst). Hugs :)
I'm really sorry. Those nights are very hard, and we still have them occasionally. You don't have to explain anything, nor do you have to feel like a baby. It's HARD. I am at my absolute worst emotionally when I lack sleep. It's awful, and when you haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep (not ONE) in almost 10 months, it's killer. Hang in there. It gets better. I'm not sure when that will be for you, but it happens. Give yourself some grace for the hard days/nights.
I can totally and completely relate to this. The guilt and joy that comes with being a parent takes all forms! My daughter was not a good sleeper in the first few months. And I can't tell you how momentous an occasion it was for me when I could actually wear a real bra again. There are hard times, and then there are the moments of pure joy that makes everything worth it!
I love how honest and raw you are!!! You are so right, its is exhausting. I dream for the day when I'm no longer breastfeeding and don't have to stay up late because I need to pump one final time before I go to bed. I so wish I could just hop in the bed at 9 p.m. if I'm tired and just sleep. But then I feel guilty for thinking like that because that means Kendall will be older and I certainly don't want to wish this first year to go by so fast! And there are a lot of times when I REALLY want to take a nap, but all my sweet girl wants to do is play and be entertained. I just keep telling myself that these moments are already going by too fast, that I can catch up on sleep some other time (when she's 18 right?). I just stare at my cute little girl and her beautiful smile and focus on that. Oh and coffee helps! I have found out it helps if I set up the coffee pot the night before, that way all I have to do is press the button and don't have to worry about measuring out anything while also trying to hold a baby. If I don't have coffee, I'm a zombie. But the second I do have my morning cup of java, I feel like a real human!
Hugs!
Hang in there sister! I would like to tell you that it gets easier. It does not get easier but you get the hang of it and adjust to your new life(: And it gets different - better and not as stressful for the most part. Does that make sense? And then they turn 13 and it gets harder again. Ok - just pray a lot and know you are not alone(: Susan
Hang in there sister! I would like to tell you that it gets easier. It does not get easier but you get the hang of it and adjust to your new life(: And it gets different - better and not as stressful for the most part. Does that make sense? And then they turn 13 and it gets harder again. Ok - just pray a lot and know you are not alone(: Susan
Don't they say that nothing worth doing is ever easy? Big life changes take adjustment…we've all learned that one way or another. What encouragement did Chris offer?
I think admitting we can't do it all is the first step! I agree with what Lauren said up there about grace. You're surrounded by it right now! Hang in there!
I know what you are thinking, who is this random commenting. But! I have a 27 month hold and a 10 month old. First: it gets easier, it does! Second: cry it out! She won't learn to sleep on her own without learning to go to sleep on her own. It is the hardest and most rewarding thing: long few days of crying (from both mom and baby) and then a looooong night of sleep! Good luck!
I'm not a mom myself, but I just wanted to leave you some words of encouragement. I think you're doing a GREAT job, and I can't even imagine how emotionally and physically taxing it can be to have a newborn at home. Wish I could give you a hug and babysit so you could grab a well-deserved nap!! Hang in there. XO
Hang in there. You are doing an Amazing job. Miss A is a lucky girl. This hard period won't last forever!! :) hugs. Ps. Sooooo wish we lived closer. ;(
Oh, the rollercoaster of being a mom. It WILL get better. My youngest two are now four, and I miss the baby stage (though I was praying to just get through it at the time). And I love the honesty. :) Here's to hoping your week improves - and you get some sleep!!
what you just described is called motherhood. there is no reason to feel guilty, i don't know a mom who hasn't gone through what you are. it gets better, than it gets worse, then it gets better...the first-time part is what makes it hard. you are a great mom, eventually her sleep will get better, and by them, you will be immune to getting no sleep. that's what moms do. hang in there!
So normal to have those feelings. All of my great mommy friends have gone through it..and when I go through it..I will skype you so you can be the one to virtually slap me in the face haha...love you friend...you are doing a great job. And I am glad you are able to let it out and talk about it. That's called healthy :)
oh that is hard. i think learning to be okay with what's hard for you is perfectly fine and normal and I know i go through the same type of feelings, we all do, things get hard and it's not fair but I know that you are doing amazing!
Motherhood is definitely the most confusing and hardest job ever!!!!! Yes being a mother is a blessing but that doesn't mean that we can't vent or cry. Believe me, when my son was little, I would curl into a ball and just sob, I was so exhausted. The best thing I ever did was meet other parents and get out of the house. It helped to talk to other moms who were going through the same things and it helped socialize my son. Don't ever feel guilty for breaking down.It's human and normal. Guilt comes with being a mom.I always feel guilty, even now that my son is almost 5. Try to get a moms group going (That can be hard, because some moms are clique but try). It will help so much. Good luck and if you need to chat you can email me at vodkainfusedlemonade@gmail.com. I've been there.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
I've never commented before but have been reading your blog for awhile. I have 2 children - 16 and 4 - and have so been there. I know it's easy to feel guilty but just put that out of your mind! You're not complaining about motherhood. You're exhausted, stir crazy and have gone through some tremendous changes! It'd be nuts if you DIDN'T have a deserved breakdown every now and then. Right now give yourself a little break - let things that can slip slip and spend some time doing something you enjoy guilt free and I pretty much guarantee you'll feel about a million times better!
Girrrrrrrrrrllllll!!! I told you!!! It is HORMONES!!!!!!!
I think you were just exhausted!! Know that these hard times will pass and you will wish them back!!! But don't feel bad for feeling like this is hard. It just makes it all the more worth while when you see her smiles! Keep up the good work Mama!!
counting foster children, i've parented 7 children now, all with different needs and sleep patterns. all i can say is that with each addition and new child, you have a totally new job description. it's very very hard!!! now we have ruthie mae and she's 10 weeks old, i should have it down, right? although there are many things i know how to do, i'm still tired and feel inadequate most of the time. my life has changed yet again and it's a whole new job. i think the lie is that we mothers believe that we WILL figure it out one day and it will all click. while i do believe we get better at our jobs, we cannot deny the fact that our children are constantly growing and changing, and so there is no "click", only a commitment to keep working diligently every day. that's all we can do!
I'm going thru something very similar with my 8 yr old daughter. She sleeps horribly. It's more like doesn't sleep. Up every coule hours. And I have a very unsupportive fiancé who thinks just bcuz he works 2nd shift 40 hrs a week means he can stay up all night, not do housework, and not help ever with the baby. But if you ask him, he watches her all the time.... Aka watches her five minutes so I can pee. He thinks he's the best and I've never been so close to leaving....
I promise you, we ALL have times where we feel like this! Being a mom is hard! Mommy guilt is the worst part, for sure. Don't be too hard on yourself!!
Oh my goodness, I can relate big time!! I feel like my mood at any given moment is entirely dependent on two things: (1) how much sleep I've had recently, and (2) how much sleep my daughter has had recently. If she doesn't sleep long enough I completely fall apart. This is the sleep deprivation talking, or at least I have to believe that. I too am working on coming to terms with wanting to appreciate every moment but just being so dang tired and overwhelmed. It is OKAY to cry. This stuff is hard. We are raising human beings after all!!
Girllll you are not alone! I have a 3 year old and a almost 6 month old this shit is hard! My 3 year old didn't sleep through the night until he was 17 months old. My 6 month old has been up every minutes every night for the past 3 months! I swear the first three months I thought, OMG this is great, God gave me a good sleeper cause my first one was not and I was wrong. I promise, one is hard and two is hard, but it's a DIFFERENT kind of hard! Just know that they WILL sleep through the night...one day lol that's what keeps me going. That and coffee, tea, blogging and the babes themselves:) Pretty sure I started crying at work because I am currently on 2 hours of sleep while reading this because I know how you feel!
Girllll you are not alone! I have a 3 year old and a almost 6 month old this shit is hard! My 3 year old didn't sleep through the night until he was 17 months old. My 6 month old has been up every minutes every night for the past 3 months! I swear the first three months I thought, OMG this is great, God gave me a good sleeper cause my first one was not and I was wrong. I promise, one is hard and two is hard, but it's a DIFFERENT kind of hard! Just know that they WILL sleep through the night...one day lol that's what keeps me going. That and coffee, tea, blogging and the babes themselves:) Pretty sure I started crying at work because I am currently on 2 hours of sleep while reading this because I know how you feel!
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