The 7th Lap

image source

I've shared multiple times that we have had our fair share of nursery struggles with Addilyn during church. Some weekends I start getting anxious Saturday night, thinking about the nursery worker prying Addilyn off of me and her screaming mama.  I have a hard time focusing during the service knowing she's crying and then picking her up with her blotchy face and big tears, and extra clingy self the rest of the day.  I struggle to not feel like the workers are wondering why after all this time she hasn't pulled herself together and learned to be okay in there.    We've been pretty consistent for the last five months with going, and leaving her in there even though she is crying.  A few weeks ago I came back to the service after the nursery worker had to pry her off of me and I left her screaming.  I was working hard to not cry myself, and my friend sitting in front of me texted me that I'm a great mom and am doing a good job.  When I texted back that it feels so hard and almost hopeless she responded with  this could be your 7th lap. 
She was reminding me of a talk we heard at the if gathering.  The speaker spoke about Joshua, who was called to take over the city of Jericho, but not in the way you'd expect.  God called him to take his men and march around the city walls for seven days.  And on the seventh day to shout and blow their trumpets and that then the walls would crash down.  They were obedient to what God was calling them to do, despite no results for the first six days.  It wasn't until the seventh day that the walls fell.   (Joshua 6) 
The men had no idea if it would happen.  If they would've quit on the sixth day, no progress would have been made.  They just had to stick it out one more day.  
One more day.  And the walls just fell down.  
What if I give up and that week is the week we'd turn a corner and Addilyn would tough it out without crying the entire service?  
I'm not a person that likes to give up.  Probably to a fault.  But there are certainly things in life that sometimes make me want to quit.  I wanted to quit multiple times while training for the marathon.  But I persevered and ran that seventh lap and finished the race.  No doubt I had points in our infertility battle where I did not want to do one more IVF treatment, but that seventh lap gave us Addilyn.  There's times I've wanted to give up on the same prayer request I've prayed for months after months, but I know that my seventh lap will come in that area too.  I'm going to continue to be consistent in those things that I know will be worth it.  Because maybe the next time it will be my seventh lap.  

Where I am

This post may make me sound like a straight up selfish attention seeking monster, and I've had it in my drafts for awhile because I'm not sure if there is a great point, wisdom or anything someone could take away from it.  But I figure if anything I'm someone being honest and sharing my heart.  
This last month has been hard for me, and I hesitate to even say that out loud because the people around me are having much harder months.  The majority of my close friends right now are all going through really big transitions and hard things.  My sister moved here from Vermont, is currently living with my parents, starting a new job, looking for a house and dealing with huge transitions for her family.  My closest friend got two foster babies this month and now has three kids just two and under.  Two of my other friends just had new babies and now have two little young children to care for.  Another friend just bought a house and is moving, another one pregnant and also taking care of a one year. 
And here I am with nothing going on.  Life is the same, and constant and things are good.  Why on earth would I be complaining?  See?  Selfish attention seeking self wanting to shout "Hey!  I'm here.  Feed into me."
I think it's been hard because while although my life isn't currently full of big changes or transitions, life is life and still has it's challenges.  I think it's been hard for me that everyone around me is moving on to more kids, bigger responsibilities or life events.  And sometimes I've felt lost in everyone's busyness.  And I hesitate to write this as I know my close friends read this.  So friends. You're doing great and I know the second I needed something you would be there, and down the line I'm sure our roles will be reversed.  
I think friendships work like marriages or any relationships.  There are seasons where one of you needs more than the other.  Needs more encouragement, help and more listening ears.  And then later down the line the roles reverse.  I've seen that back and forth many times in our marriage.  I know that down the line I'll surely have bigger problems and will need their support through it.
I think God's using all these circumstances to first of all point on my selfishness and then second to teach me how to be a better friend.  To remind me that my life right now is really good.  Not free of problems, but not filled with any huge ones.  
The thing is I could have a hundred friends that all initiate things, encourage me and continually pour into to me.  But that isn't what needs to fill me.   I think when you spend so much time at home with lack of adult conversations, you start thinking that this is true.  That because I go days without seeing a friend, or I ask a handful of friends to do things and they all are busy or don't respond, that I'm lonely and pathetic.  
But I know that isn't true.  I know that I need to find my worth and fulfillment in bigger things.  To pursue God deeper and let that fulfill me more.  And to be so thankful that Chris is my best friend and cling to our relationship more.  I need to continue to work on contentment, continuing to pursue friendships and initiate, but also learning to work on being happy with more quietness, less business and days with just me and Addilyn.  

Last Thursday

Sometimes it's hard to understand why God has us go through certain things in life.  Why he has us go through things that make us worry.  Hard things that make us lose sleep, cry or sick to our stomach.  
Last week was one of those weeks for me.  We took Addilyn for a few tests Thursday morning and I was anxious to hear back.  We thankfully got a call later that night that everything came back normal.  I can't tell you how grateful I felt and still feel.  (Now we're looking at much less scary things for the case of her low weight gain and cough.) 
I don't think we always know why God has us experience certain things or go through trials.  But I think maybe a big reason God had us go through this is for me to realize again the power of prayer and the amount of people I have in my life that love us and pray for us.  There have been many times in my life where I've felt lonely and like I don't have deep, meaningful friendships.  My biggest struggles in middle school, high school and even some college years were with friends.  Today I feel incredibly blessed with friendships.  I sent out lots of texts or emails letting my friends know about Addilyn's tests the next day.  I shared about it on this blog and on my facebook page.  All of the comments, texts and emails I got made me feel so loved and cared for.  After I got the call from the nurse I realized how many people I had to text to tell them the news and thank them for praying and I just felt so blessed.  
I felt anxious the night before and on our drive to the hospital.  But as we were going through the tests I felt much more peace than I thought I would.  I think part of that is realizing that if I a nervous mess or crying, Addilyn would do so much worse.  But I know the biggest part of that is that God answered my prayers and everyone elses.  
There's times I debate about my blog.  I post an outfit photo and get a handful of comments and think "eh. Is this worth it?" There's times I leave after hanging out with friends and second guess things I said or wonder what others think about me.    But then.  I share my heart and a concern for Addilyn and get encouragement and prayer and support and I am beyond thankful for this community and the community in my daily life.  
So hello sappiness post.  But I mean it will all my heart.  I got teary eyed after I put Addilyn to bed Thursday night.  Feeling so relieved about her negative tests.  And feeling beyond grateful for this season of life I am in where I feel full of friendships.  Friendships in my day to day life and friendships through this online community.  
Thank you.  

A lesson I wish I could learn sooner

One thing that has surprised me about motherhood is how much I have learned about myself.  I had no idea how much taking care of Addilyn would expose areas that I struggle with, remind me of who God is over and over and how often I would find myself thanking God for giving me what I need when I need it.  
Lately the biggest lessons I'm learning is patience and flexibility, neither which have ever been a strong suit of mine.  I think both those qualities are on the opposite spectrum of someone with control and worry issues at the top of their list.   
The other day we had plans of going to church in the morning, head to a friends' birthday party and then come home for Addilyn's nap.  For the last few weeks Addilyn had been waking up at the same time, had predictable naps times and I figured this day would be the same.  (Will I ever stop being surprised or disappointed when things don't go as I planned in terms of her sleep?)  Addilyn woke up extra early, which I thought would mean  a longer morning nap.  Turns out it equalled the opposite.  We headed to church with her crabby, tired self, where she cried on and off while in the nursery.  
Here I was, embarrassingly bent out of shape because she was so off schedule, and I immediately went to thinking the rest of the day was ruined.  That she'd be crabby all afternoon, the party would be a disaster and I could count any nap out of the question.  It really is truly embarrassing how dramatic I can get when our day doesn't go as planned.  (Remember, my confession of motherhood making me dramatic?  As if I needed more proof.) 

Guess what?  She was completely fine.  She didn't remember that she slept only 25 minutes that morning. Or that she cried on and off for 45 minutes during church.  She was as happy as could be within ten minutes of picking her up from the nursery at church and was totally fine at the party.  She even took a good nap when we got home.  
I wish it was that easy for me to move on.  To not count the day as over or hard when it's only 12:00.  To remember that we can "start over" at anytime of the day.  And even if the rest of the day was a disaster, so what?  It's a day.  Tomorrow would have been a brand new one.   
I long to be a person with more flexibility.  But I'm not really sure how to do that.  I need to remember this in the midst of days where our plans change or things don't go the way I hoped.  Little things like Addilyn's nap schedule or big things like success and hardships of Chris' job.  Life is never going to go just as I planned.  I'll be so much less disappointed and thrown off if I accept that I am not in control of things.  And I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy the days even more.  

Things I didn't know about motherhood

The laundry.  I feel like I do laundry all the time.  And when I feel like I'm caught up I go into our bathroom and somehow the laundry basket it already full hours after thinking I was done.  I can't imagine having multiple kids and the amount of laundry there is.
Baby food.  I had intentions of making the majority of Addilyn's baby food.  I am not disappointed in myself that I didn't and really am okay feeding her store bought food.  I was excited about making it at first, and feel like especially in the case of vegetables it's cheaper.  It really isn't too hard, but buying baby food is way way easier. 
The amount of pictures.  I knew I'd take hundreds, but it truly feels impossible to not taken a million pictures. I am so aware that everyone thinks their baby is the cutest, but it's hard to not think that you truly do have the cutest baby there is.  
The dramatic.  I'd say I was an emotional person before, but don't feel like I was extremely dramtic. Motherhood has made me extremely dramatic.  If Addilyn doesn't take a nap, I immediately want to cry thinking that the day is going to be a disaster.  If she spends a day hardly eating anything other than yogurt melts and blueberries, I wonder how on earth she will ever grow.  Sometimes it's hard to think passed a moment or a current worry.  
Sleep.  I have always been a terrible sleeper.  It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up many times during the night.  I thought sleep deprivation wouldn't be so hard on me.  I was wrong.  Sleep deprivation from a baby is completely different.  I wonder if I will ever have a really good night of sleep again.  (Cue the dramatic). 
Marriage.  The adjustment to having a baby has been harder than I thought.  I wrote about it here, and do feel like we are getting into a groove with adding a baby, but it has taken work and lots more effort into communicating and working together than I expected.  
I'd do it again.  After my rough labor and even harder recovery I truly thought I would not want to do it again.  Add to that the extreme worry I fought the majority of my pregnancy and I thought I'd be happy not doing it all again.  Turns out I can't wait and pray even now that someday I get to do it again.  So so hard, but so worth every bit of worry, labor and recovery.  
Motivation.  Before having Addilyn I managed to work out every day and get a lot of things done, even though I was really busy. I'd squeeze a thirty minutes workout in when I was only home from work for 45 minutes before going to another commitment.  I thought I'd be able to keep doing that once having a baby. Turns out when I get 30 minutes while Addilyn is napping, or even an hour I don't want to work out.  It is so much harder to get myself motivated to work out and get things done when I have time to myself.  
Love.  I knew I'd love our baby.  I believed my friends with kids when they talked about how much they love their kids.  But the magnitude of how much I love Addilyn, that when I think about it I could cry, is something I couldn't have imagined before having her.  

This list could be so much longer.  I know I can think of many more I could write.  Moms - what did you not about motherhood? 

My first . . . .

I know there will be a slew of mother's day posts around this time.  And they probably all start to sound similar, but I feel like I couldn't let my first Mother's Day pass without writing about. 

There are still moments quite often where I have a hard time believing that I really am a mom.  Sometimes I get teary eyed looking at Addilyn and knowing that I am her mom.  That I get to be that role to her forever. I have a hard time not crying looking at pictures of the day she was born, thinking about how blessed we are to be given her.  I knew that when we had a baby I would love her more than I could express.  But I truly did not know that there wouldn't be words to explain how much I really do love her. 
For my birthday this year my dad wrote in the card, "Now that you're a mom you have an idea of how much we love you."  And I thought that was such a perfect thing to say.  

I know how lucky I am to be given the role of motherhood.  While scary and tiring at times, I know it is a gift.  A gift to grow our family and have the opportunity to raise a daughter.  To teach her to love the Lord and love others.  To get to take care of her when she's sick and to celebrate when she takes her first step. To have witnessed her first smile and first giggle.  A gift to be able to someday hear her call me "mama" and run to me when she's hurt.  I am so grateful that God gave me this gift.  
There have been days the last ten months were I think about life before Addilyn.  I think about how I thought my life was overwhelming, busy and tiring.  I look back and somedays think about how nice it would be to have have one of those days back.  To go grocery shopping when it was the best time for me, take a nap or go for a run and watch show after show.  Even to rush from place to place without worrying about a baby's schedule or needs.  Somedays that sounds really nice.  

But I've learned quickly that the gift of motherhood also comes with the lesson of selflessness and learning to put someone else's needs before yours.  While there have been really tiring moments and days, I know that before Addilyn my heart was constantly longing for a baby.  Longing for the times when my days and time weren't my own.  When I was up in the middle of the night because I was feeding my baby.  So while this season is so different than before, I couldn't be happier that we are in it.  And although harder than before, it is more rewarding and amazing.  
Motherhood has come with more challenges than I expected, but it also come with more blessings and love than I knew possible and I am so so thankful. 

I also think about all those that are longing to be moms.  I think about the pain that comes with this day of celebrating moms and so badly wishing to be a mom but not knowing when or if that will happen.  The picture after picture on social media or posts reflecting on motherhood, and the emotional feelings that come with seeing them.  So today I am beyond thankful that I am able to celebrate my first year of motherhood, and am praying for those that are waiting for theirs.  

Addilyn Jane.  Thank you for making me a mama.  Thank you for being the best gift I've ever been given. You have no idea how lucky you make me feel.  I love you more than you can even imagine. 

My post baby image

There are circumstances in life where pretty quickly I wonder what God is trying to tell me through it. Then there are others where it takes me way too long to realize that maybe He is using this struggle to grow me and teach me something.  
I've mentioned before that I have some lingering postpartum issues that continue to stick around.  I have been trying to workout more and I feel like there are lots of things working against me.  One of the biggest being energy and motivation.  Getting back into a workout routine is not coming easily to me.  
I don't think I realized until now the value that I placed on working out and getting dressed and my overall appearance before I had a baby.  While I was never super confident or always loved the way I looked, I felt strong, healthy and more put together regularly. 
By no means was I this all star athlete, but I could pretty easily do a hard intense workout, or run many miles.  Despite a busy schedule I worked out for 45 minutes to an hour just about every day for a few years.  I felt like I was disciplined and would do whatever it took to get a workout in, but when I think about it I realize that it was a little obsessive. Or maybe a lot.  I think in general I have a more obsessive personality.  I tend to think about things and if I decide to do something, I'm going to follow through, and in this case meant making working out a huge priority.  Which isn't bad, unless it starts to define you. 
Which again, I didn't realize that it did until that was taken away.  When I was pregnant and on bedrest I was really scared to work out and took it pretty easy most of my pregnancy.  I'd walk a lot, but that was about it.  But it didn't bother me as much because I feel like I wasn't expected to be in shape.  I mean hello baby bump.  Completely acceptable and necessary to take it easy when you're pregnant.  I was still getting dressed up and felt put together most of the time when I was pregnant. 
These days there isn't much use for cute shoes and dressy looks.  While I still get dressed in something other than sweats a few days a week, it definitely isn't the same.  I don't have the same time to pick out an outfit or blow dry my hair every day.  I miss getting ready for work and having that feeling of being put together.  I've started working out regularly and find myself getting frustrated.  It's been uncomfortable and hard to run.  I feel slow and weak and tired.  
I didn't think about the value and self worth I put on my appearance and the confidence that working out regularly gave me.  Those things made me feel good about myself, and while I think they are still important they shouldn't define me.  
I think I have a hard time finding balance in life.  Since starting to work out I find myself feeling like I should try to fit it in every day (which has yet to happen and probably won't and that is completely okay.  And healthy.)  I don't want to obsess over working out. I don't want to feel like I need to dress cute to feel good about myself.  
I've felt a lot of pressure lately, feeling like I need to be in better shape.  That I need to be watching what I eat and making healthier choices.  That I should be making cute outfits out of all the clothes hanging in my closet.  But I am ready to find a healthier balance.  To work out because I need some "me" time and want to be healthy.  To find a balance between healthy foods and enjoy things that taste to me too.  To get dressed to make me feel like I'm ready for the day.  But to not put my self worth in any of those things.  
I know that God is using this transition in my life to show me that my value doesn't come from the outfits I wear, or what shape my body is in.  
Going through pregnancy and motherhood is humbling.  So much of your freedom and time and self esteem feels non existent at times.  But that is not what defines me.  I need to find my worth in being a good wife, a mom, a friend and most importantly a child of God.  

Motherhood so far

Becoming a mom is by far the best, most exciting, exhausting, scary and joyful thing I've experienced. Almost seven months in and there are days where I look at Addilyn and still can't believe she is my daughter. While I am no expert whatsoever, I thought I'd share a few things that I learned at the beginning of my role as a mom. And most of these things I'm still learning! 

1. Soak up all the holding, sitting, and snuggles possible.  Honestly I could probably count the amount of times I set Addilyn down when she was sleeping for the first few months at least.  I seriously held her all the time.  I didn't do much around our house and I don't regret it one bit.  There have been a few times I've wondered if that is part of the reason she is a poor sleeper but I stop myself from thinking that as fast as I can because even if that was the case I don't regret it one bit.  I waited a long time for a baby and I soaked up every snuggle and sleeping moment I could get.  And I miss them already.  I want them back and I wouldn't change the way I spent those first few months.  

2.  You will forget it.  While I was in the hospital I truly thought I would not walk again, I was in so much pain after labor and delivery.   I thought there would be no way I would want to go through labor again, despite people telling me otherwise.  My recovery was rough and I still have lingering issues from my long labor.  But I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I pray that I get to experience childbirth again and can't wait until I have another baby and get to live those moments when I meet my baby for the first time again.  

3. Remind yourself that this is always a phase.  I feel like as soon as I figure out some schedule for Addilyn or we get into some kind of routine, it changes.  This goes for her temperament too.  We are so lucky to have a generally happy baby, but she'll have days of fussiness or times when she doesn't like to be put down any point of the day.  But I am learning that everything is a phase. And I'm pretty sure this is going to be the way parenting is forever, right? 

4.  Stop comparing.  Stop second guessing.  I think this is my biggest struggle as a mom.  I read so many baby forums, articles and other bloggers monthly updates and my first thoughts are comparing my mothering or Addilyn's habits to what I just read.  I'll second guess what I'm doing and wonder if I am doing it "right." I know that there is no right or wrong way for a lot of these things, like sleeping training, feeding and schedules; but I can't seem to not wonder if I am doing it the best way for Addilyn.  I need to constantly remind myself that I love Addilyn more than anything and am doing what I think is best.  And that is what matters.  

5. Be honest with your feelings.  When Addilyn was born the first few weeks were really hard.  Baby blues, hormones, whatever it was, I experienced more than I thought I would.  I think I thought because I wanted a baby so bad I wouldn't have as many overwhelming or anxious feelings.  But I did.  And I felt guilty sometimes.  I felt guilty for not being appreciative and grateful every minute that I was a mom.  I felt guilty for feeling that it was incredibly hard.  Once I shared my feelings with a few of my mom friends I felt much less alone and realized those things are normal.  And that they don't make me ungrateful.  

5. Be grateful.  This seems a little opposite of what I just wrote, as I still have days where I feel overwhelmed and wishing for a day full of relaxing and baby free responsibilities, but I think one of the biggest things that came from our struggle with infertility is an overall grateful heart for Addilyn.  I am constantly reminded that we are so lucky to have a baby.  There have been times I've been up for the who knows how many times in the middle of the night, and I feel frustrated and exhausted.  I'm reminded of the days or nights when I was awake, where I longed for a baby to take care of.  I longed for that kind of exhausted because it meant I was a mom.  I think of all the people I know and have met through this blog that are longing for their baby and I feel so lucky that Addilyn is ours.  
I know that motherhood will be a constant process of sacrifice and learning, and although it's the hardest thing I've done, I am beyond thankful for the blessing of this new role.  

Who's the baby?

I shared this photo on instagram the other week and that day came with a whole lot of thoughts on  motherhood for me.  
The last two weeks have been hard.  I was exhausted, frustrated, lonely and anxious.  Addilyn has never been a good sleeper but has managed to become a worse sleeper.  Due to the cold weather and snow we hadn't left the house in almost a week and a half.  Addilyn has not her happy self and I was going stir crazy.  
Chris was gone overnight Saturday and Addilyn was up just about every hour.  He called me Sunday morning when Addilyn has just woken up from a 15 minute nap and I dramatically and slightly (or extremely) irrationally started crying. 
Like the kind of crying that would equate something terrible happening, like my dog dying.  Not my baby sleeping terribly. 
I think all those emotions built up from the week came out and I could not pull myself together.  I turned into a complete disaster and then more tears came as I felt guilty for feeling so upset.  There have been moments when I feel like I shouldn't be complaining about motherhood.  I feel like I should forever to thankful and happy for the biggest blessing we've been given.  But there are moments and days where I feel like this is really hard.  That I would love one night to just sleep.  Or one afternoon and evening to just sit on my couch and not worry about the responsibility of taking care of Addilyn.  That I want my body back.  I want to have energy to work out.  For my boobs to stop leaking and my bladder to be back to normal.  (too much detail perhaps? Nope. I working on pure honesty over here). 
And then I feel guilty.  
I know I am allowed to feel tired and even frustrated and I need to let myself feel those things.  I know having three kids is harder than having one and sometimes that makes me feel like a baby for thinking this is hard.  But this is so new and it is hard.  
And that doesn't mean I am not beyond thankful that I get to be Addilyn's mom.  
BUT I also think there are times that I seriously need someone to tell me to suck it up and deal with it.  LIke that Sunday morning.  I seriously could've used a little slap in the face and someone telling me that I was being a big baby.  That this is a phase and she won't be up multiple times a night forever (right? Please tell me that's right.) 
Motherhood is a confusing thing.  I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.  Most moments and days I look at Addilyn and I couldn't be happier.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I wouldn't want to spend my days doing anything else.  Then I have these other moments here and there where I feel so tired and overwhelmed and feel like I don't know what I am doing.  
All these random thoughts to say that I am learning to be okay with what I am feeling.  Trying not to feel guilty for thinking this is hard.  But clinging to the times I feel fulfilled, content and confident in being Addilyn's mom.