My first . . . .

I know there will be a slew of mother's day posts around this time.  And they probably all start to sound similar, but I feel like I couldn't let my first Mother's Day pass without writing about. 

There are still moments quite often where I have a hard time believing that I really am a mom.  Sometimes I get teary eyed looking at Addilyn and knowing that I am her mom.  That I get to be that role to her forever. I have a hard time not crying looking at pictures of the day she was born, thinking about how blessed we are to be given her.  I knew that when we had a baby I would love her more than I could express.  But I truly did not know that there wouldn't be words to explain how much I really do love her. 
For my birthday this year my dad wrote in the card, "Now that you're a mom you have an idea of how much we love you."  And I thought that was such a perfect thing to say.  

I know how lucky I am to be given the role of motherhood.  While scary and tiring at times, I know it is a gift.  A gift to grow our family and have the opportunity to raise a daughter.  To teach her to love the Lord and love others.  To get to take care of her when she's sick and to celebrate when she takes her first step. To have witnessed her first smile and first giggle.  A gift to be able to someday hear her call me "mama" and run to me when she's hurt.  I am so grateful that God gave me this gift.  
There have been days the last ten months were I think about life before Addilyn.  I think about how I thought my life was overwhelming, busy and tiring.  I look back and somedays think about how nice it would be to have have one of those days back.  To go grocery shopping when it was the best time for me, take a nap or go for a run and watch show after show.  Even to rush from place to place without worrying about a baby's schedule or needs.  Somedays that sounds really nice.  

But I've learned quickly that the gift of motherhood also comes with the lesson of selflessness and learning to put someone else's needs before yours.  While there have been really tiring moments and days, I know that before Addilyn my heart was constantly longing for a baby.  Longing for the times when my days and time weren't my own.  When I was up in the middle of the night because I was feeding my baby.  So while this season is so different than before, I couldn't be happier that we are in it.  And although harder than before, it is more rewarding and amazing.  
Motherhood has come with more challenges than I expected, but it also come with more blessings and love than I knew possible and I am so so thankful. 

I also think about all those that are longing to be moms.  I think about the pain that comes with this day of celebrating moms and so badly wishing to be a mom but not knowing when or if that will happen.  The picture after picture on social media or posts reflecting on motherhood, and the emotional feelings that come with seeing them.  So today I am beyond thankful that I am able to celebrate my first year of motherhood, and am praying for those that are waiting for theirs.  

Addilyn Jane.  Thank you for making me a mama.  Thank you for being the best gift I've ever been given. You have no idea how lucky you make me feel.  I love you more than you can even imagine.