It's a little ironic that I wrote this post and then three hours later we were on our way to the Emergency Room because Addilyn woke up and was having a really hard time breathing. We're pretty sure she had an asthma attack, probably due to her build up congestion from a cold this week. We waited there for three long hours and got home, exhausted of course after 1:30 in the morning. I wrote about surrendering my worries to God and then he gave me an opportunity to do so right away. I can't say I was free from extreme worry when Chris picked her up because she was gasping for air. The idea of anything happening to Addilyn is terribly painful to even think about. But I know I can't spend each night going to bed worried about her. Which is why this lesson is so important for me to constantly be working on . . . .
I've shared multiple times that I struggle with worrying, over analyzing and obsessing about things. These were all present before I had a baby, but they seem to only be magnified now that I am a mom. I guess I keep thinking that whenever this current phase or worry is over, anxiety or concern won't be present in my daily life.
But I am quickly realizing that is not the case. When I was pregnant I kept thinking I'd feel better and less worried at every stage. When we heard the heart beat. When I was out of the first trimester. Then it moved to the 20 week ultrasound. Then to when she'd survive on her own if born early and then it wasn't until I was holding her.
Turns out the worry only continues. Forever I was so concerned with Addilyn's sleep or lack there of. I thought about it constantly and while I still do as we have harder days and I still worry she'll never sleep all night, it is so much better now. But turns out I have no problem letting something else fill my worry tank.
At Addilyn's nine month appointment we found out she had barely gained weight the last three months. The doctor wasn't super worried but was definitely surprised and concerned. We're going back next week to see if she's gained any weight and the last three weeks it's been hard for me not to obsess and worry daily that she's not eating enough. Addilyn has had a lot of colds the last few months and when she can't breathe well through her nose she just won't eat. She won't nurse much or take a bottle, and I can't make her eat.
It's stressful for me and hard for me not to worry. But I realize as soon as this problem is over there will be something else. I'm sure she'll be just fine and I know she's overall a healthy baby.
I don't want to keep replacing one worry for the next. I know that motherhood will always be filled with things to worry about your kids and that even when Addilyn is an adult I'll still worry about her. But I know there is a difference in wanting your kids to be healthy, happy and worrying that they might not be and then obsessing over and not letting things be. To trust that God will take care of those things and to relax and enjoy the moments.
I'd like to say that I lean more towards the latter but that does not come naturally for me. I want to daily remind myself that when things are hard or stressful with Addilyn either due to her being sick, not eating or fighting sleep that tomorrow things could be completely different. That she changes so quickly and tomorrow is a new day. And I want to remember that when things are easy and wonderful, when she's happy, healthy and sleeping well that I should enjoy it and be thankful as I know things can change any time.
It all comes down to surrendering my day, my fears and my sweet Addilyn to God and letting him take over.