I've had a few rougher days lately. Days where one little thing like someone asking how old "is he?" make me want to cry. Which is a big sign that I'm overly emotional and upset about other things.
Lately I have felt weary of feeling like I am always initiating things with friends and I start over thinking things and feeling like the only reason I ever have plans is because I ask people. Most of the time that feels completely worth it to me and I get over it, but some days when plans are cancelled or I find myself with nothing to do, I start to feel frustrated and lonely. It's easy for me to get into a slump of self pity, "nobody wants to hang out with me" kind of mood.
Friday morning we had no plans. Addilyn was fussy and I wanted to get out of the house. I needed more diapers so thought a quick trip to Target would give us something to do. (If only Addilyn would recognize the enjoyment of wandering Target's aisles.) We got to Target and as soon as I walked in I realized Addilyn had a terrible diaper blowout that meant we both needed outfit changes. (Note to self. Keep a shirt for me in my diaper bag.) We are no strangers of poop disasters in the Target bathroom, but this one was the worst. After a trip to the bathroom I realized I had no diapers and had to go back to the car, then back to the bathroom.
She was crying and squirming as I was trying to change her diaper and her clothes and both of us were a mess. I felt frustrated with our day already and wanted to cry.
Then I was reminded that it was this same bathroom I was in when I was five weeks pregnant and thought I was having a miscarriage. So then I really started crying thinking about what life would be like if I didn't have Addilyn. It's amazes me how fast your emotions can go from one to the next. Crying because I was sad and then crying because I'm so thankful we have Addilyn, even if it means dealing with a disgusting disaster.
Basically it's a good thing you didn't run into me at Target this day.
The rest of the day honestly continued from me being tired and frustrated, when she wouldn't take a nap and cried and cried. Then so thankful and emotional when she finally fell asleep on me and I just stared at her sweet face.
Sometimes I feel my emotions go through extremes during the day. Feelings of exhaustion and ready for the day to be over, to feelings of complete satisfaction and contentment with being a stay at home mom. From feeling frustrated that I feel like I don't have friends who ask me to hang out, then thoughts of how I can be content with spendings days with just me and Addilyn. Addilyn can be giggling and happy to crying and fussy in minutes. And I feel like her sometimes.
All this to say that it's a great reminder to me that all these things are temporary. It's easy for me to get in a bad mood and stay there. To wallow in a frustrating situation and stay there. But a bad morning does not always lead to a bad afternoon. A long day doesn't mean tomorrow will follow the same way. Some days are just long and hard but tomorrow is a new day.