. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Where I am

March 5, 2015

Where I am

This post may make me sound like a straight up selfish attention seeking monster, and I've had it in my drafts for awhile because I'm not sure if there is a great point, wisdom or anything someone could take away from it.  But I figure if anything I'm someone being honest and sharing my heart.  

This last month has been hard for me, and I hesitate to even say that out loud because the people around me are having much harder months.  The majority of my close friends right now are all going through really big transitions and hard things.  My sister moved here from Vermont, is currently living with my parents, starting a new job, looking for a house and dealing with huge transitions for her family.  My closest friend got two foster babies this month and now has three kids just two and under.  Two of my other friends just had new babies and now have two little young children to care for.  Another friend just bought a house and is moving, another one pregnant and also taking care of a one year. 

And here I am with nothing going on.  Life is the same, and constant and things are good.  Why on earth would I be complaining?  See?  Selfish attention seeking self wanting to shout "Hey!  I'm here.  Feed into me."

I think it's been hard because while although my life isn't currently full of big changes or transitions, life is life and still has it's challenges.  I think it's been hard for me that everyone around me is moving on to more kids, bigger responsibilities or life events.  And sometimes I've felt lost in everyone's busyness.  And I hesitate to write this as I know my close friends read this.  So friends. You're doing great and I know the second I needed something you would be there, and down the line I'm sure our roles will be reversed.  

I think friendships work like marriages or any relationships.  There are seasons where one of you needs more than the other.  Needs more encouragement, help and more listening ears.  And then later down the line the roles reverse.  I've seen that back and forth many times in our marriage.  I know that down the line I'll surely have bigger problems and will need their support through it.

I think God's using all these circumstances to first of all point on my selfishness and then second to teach me how to be a better friend.  To remind me that my life right now is really good.  Not free of problems, but not filled with any huge ones.  

The thing is I could have a hundred friends that all initiate things, encourage me and continually pour into to me.  But that isn't what needs to fill me.   I think when you spend so much time at home with lack of adult conversations, you start thinking that this is true.  That because I go days without seeing a friend, or I ask a handful of friends to do things and they all are busy or don't respond, that I'm lonely and pathetic.  

But I know that isn't true.  I know that I need to find my worth and fulfillment in bigger things.  To pursue God deeper and let that fulfill me more.  And to be so thankful that Chris is my best friend and cling to our relationship more.  I need to continue to work on contentment, continuing to pursue friendships and initiate, but also learning to work on being happy with more quietness, less business and days with just me and Addilyn.  

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Chrissy + Nate said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I've recently just had this same line of thought, and I think it's because I'm no longer working full-time, I have PLENTY of extra time for my thoughts to wander. I too have been making numerous attempts to get groups of friends together to go out, do things, and sometimes one, maybe two will respond, and the rest do not. UGH! But I have to remind myself, it's okay! And I've been working on trusting God that things are okay within these relationships, that I need to use this extra time to be fulfilled in Him and use my time wisely... but on days when I'm not in the office and at home (and my chores are done and/or I'm procrastinating), it's easy to waste my time with social media... Trying to improve!

Kayla MKOY said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I love your honesty. Girl, its something I struggle with too. Although I DO have a lot going on right now, sometimes I feel like as we all grow up, having more than a couple really amazing friends is hard. Like maybe its not as much of a two way street as it should be. Then I spend my days worrying over absolutely nothing and it gets me nowhere. I'll be praying for you girl...I'm in the same boat sometimes! I believe we need to find our identity in Christ alone, not the "stuff" in our lives. So gad you have that awesome husband of yours! & that sweet baby girl!

Chrissy H said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This totally spoke to my heart. We got married a year ago, and with every friend's wedding that followed, I was like "hey! don't forget about me!"... and then friends started to get pregnant or move or go back to school and I just kinda moped. It took my sweet husband telling me I had everything I needed right now and God would bring me the desires of my heart in His timing. I feel like I'm the only one who isn't busy with life or stuck in a rut of "work, home, sleep, repeat". I think the more free, problem free time I have, the more space it gives Satan to creep into my thoughts. It's a fight I'll continue to fight....One day at a time! :)

Katie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Love your honesty, because I have felt so similar. I have nothing to complain about, but sometimes I worry Way too much about what friends are doing what, and without me! I wish we lived closer cuz I think we'd be great friends! I'm trying to focus on everything I do have, instead of what I don't. Sometimes that's a lot easier said than done.

Brianna Tucker said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I love the honesty in this post. We go through times in our life were we are very independent and others where we need support for others whether we have a lot of changes or are just living life as normal! You aren't alone!

The Lady Okie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I am struggling with these thoughts as well. Needing to focus on being content and really pouring into my relationship with Jordan and with God. Thanks for sharing :) You're definitely not alone in feeling like this.

J and A said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I always love your honesty and love reading these posts. I know there are a ton of women in the same boat as you feeling the same way. I hope your sister is doing ok.

Amy said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I struggle daily with this very same thing. It is so hard to be home sometimes every day with a little person who needs you so much, you just crave adult conversation and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way! Thank you for writing this super honest post, it takes a lot of guts to do that <3

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I work hard at counting my blessings, but I can agree with you! I'm finding myself in a rut all over again for reasons that I thought would never matter because I thought having a baby would solve my issues and it did solve the most important one!! I do wonder when my own life will be good enough? When will I feel good enough at all that I do?

Amanda D. said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Sometimes I over think about things especially when I am cooped up in the house too long!

We all have different things going on in our lives. One does compete on which is going through something worse. Because we really don't know how emotionally one can be feeling!

I hope you find your peace that you need right now!

Kimberly Haddock said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I definitely think we all go through this whole "hurry up and wait" scenario of friends moving on without us even though they're not going without us. I'm always finding myself comparing my life with others and reminding myself to, as Paul says, "be content in whatever state I find myself in."
This was a good reminder for me, Katie, to fill myself with what will satisfy.

Laura said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I totally get all of this... thanks for being vulnerable and honest. You are so right when you say that busyness doesn't fulfill us the way we desire to be fulfilled, but somehow that's what we constantly look to for sustenance. Thanks for this reminder to look the Lord to fulfill me!

Brooke said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I don't see this as a cry for attention, but rather a real, honest, refreshingly vulnerable piece. thank you for sharing this part of your heart with us.

Laura said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

"life is life and still has it's challenges" <- This exactly. Try not to compare your challenges to others...it's so damaging. I do it, too, and it's so draining. I completely get the same old-same old life where you still feel like days are hard and you need to whine - it happens! Hope you have some easier days coming up!