Feeling lately . . . .

I am so late in sharing vacation pictures.  Someday.  But this is the view from the house we stayed with my family.  Isn't it gorgeous? 

This time of year is always a little hard for me.  I see tons of back to school pictures, have teacher friends setting up their classroom and getting ready for the year. I can not imagine going back to work and am so lucky I get to stay home and that is definitely what I want! But I miss teaching, and especially miss setting up my classroom and getting ready for a new year.  Some days motherhood feels so mundane and lonely and long, and I miss having the purpose and fulfillment I felt teaching. 

I've listened to a few podcasts on friendship, and have been reading the book Never Unfriended, and thinking a lot about my friendships.  I've always struggled with feeling confident in relationships and think I've always been overly sensitive.  I'm working on letting things go, focusing on relationships that are fulfilling and being a good friend regardless and continuing to initiate and be vulnerable even if not always returned.  

I am struggling with the stage Isaac is in.  I either forgot how hard it was, or he is much harder than Addilyn was at this age.  He is up so early and is so crabby, it's hard for me to start the day without also feeling tired and crabby.  He won't sit in his highchair for any length of time, some meals not at all without crying.  And he cries so hard whenever I leave him somewhere like church nursery. I could not love him more, but am anxious for this stage to pass.  I hate to wish away time and try to remind myself constantly that time goes so quickly.  

I was in a really good pattern with working out and running at the beginning of the summer.  But it's been so hot and humid and SO many mosquitoes and horseflies by our house that the idea of pushing the double jogging stroller with all that feels just about impossible.  I'd love to join a gym, but Isaac struggles so much with childcare that I don't feel like it would be worth it.  I miss feeling strong and need to figure out a new plan.

Addi starts preschool this week and I feel anxious about it.  Not nearly as much as I did last year, but anxious still. The last week or so she's said she doesn't want to go whenever it comes up.  She'll go three days a week and I just can't picture our routine and what that will look like.  What Isaac and I will do, how Addi will do and not quite ready for that transition.  

Chris and I went on a date last Saturday night and it was so good.  It's been a rough two weeks for us and we've had little time to really connect and got to talk about a lot of things.  It was such a good reminder that even when we're tired, stressed and just want space and quiet, how important it is to talk and check in with how we're doing. 

The last two weeks we visited a new church.  Kind of funny to say new because my sister, brother, in-laws, and many of our friends go there.  So a new church to us, but with lots of familiar faces. We've been at our current church for 12 years, so the idea of switching churches is a big deal.  I've honestly felt like I've struggled spiritually the last year and a half.  Finding a community, accountability and my personal relationship with the Lord.  I am ready for and praying for God to work in me and want to pursue Him deeper.

I've haven't nursed Isaac for the last few days.  I was only nursing him in the morning most days, and I've tried very hard to distract him in the morning and bring him right downstairs instead of back to bed with me.  I feel like since we've made it three days I should keep sticking it out.  I'm ready to be done nursing but it still comes with a lot of emotions to me.  I have wished with both my kids that they would've weaned on their own because it feels hard to take that away, but I'm reminding myself with Addi how in the moment it felt really hard but we got through it and were both completely fine. I go back and forth from being excited for this transition to be over to really sad that this phase is over.  Motherhood is so strange.

I had an appointment at my ob last week and walking in would've said I was 99% sure I don't want more babies.  But something about that office (which is also connected to the hospital where both my kids were born) makes me want to do it again.  Be pregnant, deliver a baby, have that newborn phase again. It just feels so final to say we're done having kids, and I'm just not 100% there yet.

Phew.  That was a lot of random things.  Sometimes these post make me wonder why I'm writing them.  I guess it feels therapeutic to put these feelings and thoughts to words.  And I always appreciate when I hear someone is feeling the same or going through something similar.  Which is the biggest reason I loved blogging in the first place!

Okay, enough rambling ;)   Thanks for reading,

Katie