One Word

First I have to say that I don't think it is possible to put into words how much I loved and appreciated your excitement for our big news.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me how excited you are, how you've been praying and will continue to pray, and all your sweet words.  There is no doubt that I am a lucky.  Thank you.

I've been thinking a lot of this last year and all the things that God has taught me.  I've learned so much and have grown more this year than any other year in my life.  I want to make an effort to use what God has taught me to be a different person.  A person who loves and trusts God deeper.

I love the idea of focusing on a word for the year.  I spent a lot of time thinking about a word the represents an area that I know God has been testing me in and something I can apply to this coming year.

I choose SURRENDER.

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I mentioned it on Thursday night, but we had a really rough start to our pregnancy.

The day before Thanksgiving we got to see our 5 1/2 week old baby's heart beat.  It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  I truly don't know if I've been happier before.

Friday afternoon, I went shopping with my sisters and started bleeding really heavily.  It was honestly the scariest moment, as I thought that I was losing our baby that we had prayed for, for so long.

We rushed to the doctor's office and through complete panic and lots of tears on our end, the ultrasound technician found our baby's heartbeat.  But also found a really large hemorrhage, which was causing the bleeding.

They put me on bed rest and I spent the next four weeks waiting, on bedrest, hoping and praying that our baby would be okay and that my body would heal.  Each doctor appointment was a tiny bit of progress but every day felt so uncertain.

We waited for two years to get pregnant and I had thought once we heard our baby's heartbeat the waiting would be over.  As if I surrendered my control of getting pregnant but was still holding on to how I thought the rest of the process should go.

When I think about all the things that I love the most they are Chris, my family, and now my little baby.  The things that make me feel secure are my house, my savings account and my job.  There is this big part of me that wants to hold on to these things as tight as I can and not let them far from me.

When I felt like I was going to lose our baby I honestly pictured myself wanting to hold him in my hands, as close as I can to keep him safe for the next eight months.  I picture myself putting all these things I love in a room, shutting the door and holding them, as if that could keep them safe.  As if my protection is bigger than a God who is bigger than this world.

I want this year to be a year where I stop holding on tight to the things I love and the things that make me feel safe.  I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears and my feelings of uncertainties.

Because He will always be bigger than those things and I want them all to be held in His hands and not mine.

I want to give up my control, my fears, plans and worries and SURRENDER.